Items to put a smile on your face ? :O)
Watch this postFirst Day at The Zoo:
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps pelting him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?” (Wait for it !!!!!)………………
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"
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We don't tolerate swearing, and reserve the right to remove any posts which we feel may offend others... let's keep it friendly!
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Hello My Love", I stammered; I always call him "My Love" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
He barked, "I dropped you off!". Now it was my time to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your damn car."
This is what they call, " the Golden Years!"
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ...... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "
"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush!"
Pasta's supposed to
Stay in the toaster
AND WAS ASKED WHAT HE COULD DO
HE SAID I DO BIRD IMPRESSIONS
THE PRODUCER SAID DONT WASTE
MY TIME I DONT WANT ANY BIRD IMITATORS
ON MY SHOW
SORRY I BOTHERED YOU SAID THE GEEZER
AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble..
(Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER :
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION :
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES :
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY :
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO :
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
"Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John and I'm okay thanks," I replied.
"John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's very nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive and I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a few restorative Scotches, I thanked Elizabeth: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. "So I had best go now"
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything.
By the way, where is she?"
"Probably still under the cart..!!..." I said..
"Haven't we met before darling/" The girl smiled and looked encouragingly.replied "Yes, maybe. I am the receptionist in the STD clinic"
So remember this story the next time …
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
" Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who mucked up your hair?"
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up asked,
"And tell me ? , Does she still have the hiccups?"
Glad you approve LOL
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said:
"No, she didn't , she has just walked in !"
He says to them:
"Paul, I want you to take the Miller Steet houses."
"Valerie, take the flats over in Coal Harbour and Davy Street."
"Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the shopping precinct."
The nurse is just amazed by all this, and, as Mr. Durwood passes away, she says,
"Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!"
Mildred replies, "Property?
That was the tight fisted sod's paper round!"