Son's wedding (not invited)

My son just informed me he had his wedding. Things have been strained for the last year after I returned from my first vacation away in seven years. Prior, my son was distancing himself from his brother and sister over such minor actions that his now wife demanded my son defend her against said actions (they included interrupting her in conversations, or she felt excluded as they talked about things she had no knowledge of like NFTs and video games). When my son mentioned these problems to us we all agreed to help her integrate better into our healthy relationships and instead the rift grew wider. I tried to remain neutral like Switzerland trying to help my other son and daughter continue to support their brothers choice while supporting my sons choice for a bride,

After my trip I noticed matters became worse as anytime the mere mention of my other children to my future daughter in law happened in their home she would become distant and pouty. I tried to contain my hurt that she was not accepting and tried to internalize the pain this caused me.

My son eventually asked me why I did not stay at his home when I visited as long as I used to and I asked ‘Do you really want to know why, as you may not like the answer and I am frightened you will exclude me from your life as you have your siblings for their thoughts?’ His reply ‘Tell me, I would never exclude you, and I will always be your son! I promise’.

I told him how visiting him and rejoicing in his new life brought me sorrow that his siblings were excluded and anytime I mention them it create mood changes with his now wife. I felt it was unfair that they supported and loved him and have tried and I saw no progress of her trying to do the same.

His reaction was to tell me “if you’re uncomfortable here don’t come then, I can come to you”. Unfortunately not the right direction for the conversation and it continued to grow worse.

Fast forward to today; he announced he became married without a single family member from his side as he wanted only people there that ‘supported his choice of a partner’. No wedding photo, nothing.,

Hurt does not begin to describe how devastated I remain. Even worse to now know a few days later he sent a photo to my sister leaving in another country and still nothing to me. I just wanted to see his happiness, I never once rejected his bride and in fact was the only family member that embraced her from day one and continued to have the other siblings to try to embrace her as well. And they did honestly try but she kept and still has kept making demands they change their manners to accommodate her. She wants to be the focus of gatherings and we have never done that before,

There is an underlying problem not mentioned. My son is an aetheist. She is a Born Again Christian, Religion was never a topic until two years into their relationship. However, all his past friends are no longer in his life and this is very sad indeed, Her only friends are her family…

Being excluded from the wedding and now his life remains the worst time in our relationship. I have faith that the core of kindness I helped nurture for 33 years will surface eventually and he will return to his organic family, We have all given him space and tried to communicate. He refuses to meet or video with counsellor present. I refuse to meet with his counsellor as I do not agree with his counsellor’ s opinions. I have never met him but if he has been supporting my son advising him to step away from his family he is giving poor advice.

Thank you for reading my words,

Hi Rubyshoes I'm sorry I've come in late to your problem and I expect you've now had the registry wedding. I have the same thing with my stepson who I raised from age 4. His wife, for some unknown reason, dislikes us as the parents acutely. We have no idea why, other than her flagrantly (and naturally) preferring her own parents but exclusively. We were even accused of not wanting to be our grandson's grandparents.

To some extent it is inevitable that sons who we have nurtured and cherished for so long then default to their wives as a priority. However how this is done can be extremely hurtful for a parent.

All I can suggest is maybe see your son privately as we did, and emphasise that you want to be a non-intrusive but nevertheless present part of his life in some way. You could ask not directly what is wrong, but instead ask how you could improve the relationship with him and with his wife yourself, what you could do to improve this. That way your approach would be non-accusatory. We have come to the conclusion with my stepson that he is caught in the middle of this (what exactly we don't know) and we respect their space, supporting from a distance. We can only hope that one day they come around. It is extremely hurtful and your feelings are completely natural. Never feel that your feelings of hurt are of your own making or imagination.

See if as I say you can approach this in terms of what you can do to help and above all never criticise his wife or her family as then the situation will deteriorate much further. As long (as I am sure) you have been a good mother to him in the past there is no reason his loyalty to you should be impaired. In my case it is a stepson with whom I do not have the natural bond as I do with my own son.

Good luck!!

I think it's a good idea to talk to him. Be gentle. My son & I were very close too, until he had been married a year or so. There was a time, he dropped everything for a couple of days to come get me from a bad situation. After that, things changed. I feel like his wife got jealous that he did that, and then I got accused of being all sorts of difficult. They aren't married anymore, & our relationship has improved, but I don't like seeing him so sad.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel, this is going to affect your future relationship so take the bull by the horns and let him know that you are upset. It sounds like she is controllng the show, leaving you out is heartless.

Nobody in their right mind would imagine that this situation isn't hurtful, so there just has to be an important reason behind your son's decision not to invite you to his wedding, even though he must know you'll feel wounded. He might have a good reason (such as trying to keep you safe from the virus) or a bad reason (I wouldn't dream of trying to guess your family dynamic but you may be able to think of something). Problem is, you can't possibly know for sure what his reasons are unless you ask him. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a few searching questions, calmly delivered. Or it may be just a misunderstanding - maybe he thinks that, as you're his mum, you don't actually need an invitation - it could be that he's taking it for granted that you'll be there. All you can do is talk to each other. I hope you'll get it sorted out in the end. Good luck.

I have read the comments and most people are saying not to say anything, but why ever not? Ask your son why no invite, it may be they thought you didn’t need one...xx

Oh my goodness I feel like this is my post! The same happened to me with my son 7 yrs ago we were very close and then his new girlfriend now wife took to disliking me and was not invited to the wedding. They now have 2 children and it breaks my heart. I ve tried so hard to make things good between us but his wife is very controlling and I now leave them alone with a great weight in my heart. I think about them every day, children seem so selfish nowadays. Please take care life passes us by so try to spend your time looking after you.

My late husband and I were faced with a similar situation and felt completely shut out from our son's wedding, and had an uneasy relationship for many years.
I can only say that you should maybe try to step back and wait a bit, as your daughter- in- law- to- be may feel that you are too much competition for your son's attention and a threat to their independent life. together, foolish though that may sound.
The more we tried to convince our two otherwise, the worse the split became.
Would it be a good thing to send them a Happy Wedding card and a diplomatic message, regretting that their wedding plans had to be so curtailed and hoping that when the current troubles are over there will be an opportunity for you all to celebrate the occasion together as they would have wished.
I have not seen my son for 18 years ,but my grandson has come back into my life with his lovely wife and now I have a Great-granddaughter! Have hope!!!

Hello, I am so sad to read your post...you must be so upset.

As other members have replied, you are not alone in this kind of situation....

I can only offer a little advice, perhaps you have already been told, but I have learnt (operative word) that 'least said, soonest mended' is so true. Perhaps your son is in a difficult position, and it may be paining him as much as you, but he is trying to 'keep the peace' with his future wife (and family, by the sound of it?) I cannot imagine on what basis you have been left out of from invitations, but I would bite my tongue and say nothing. I really appreciate how difficult this must be for you. I would also never say anything negative in this regard and offer only praise and compliments in the future to your boy and his wife. You will be providing her with nothing at all to condemn you and your boy will be grateful, trust me. This situation is awful for you, but extremely common, and I think you will 'win' in the end, as do not forget, grandchildren may be on the horizon and you want to stay onside for that reason alone! I wish you well. Take care of yourself and stay safe.

This happened to us 30 years ago, although we were invited to the wedding we were excluded from then onwards and excluded from our three Gkids lives and now from GGkids lives.
A month ago my daughter in law demanded a divorce after all this time and is demanding (and likely to get) half of the family business as our son and his dad (my husband) are in partnership, and we foolishly hadn't made any provision for such a split.
Half our lifetime's work given to this unfriendly female who has never allowed us to share the delight of a family life in our old age.
Swallow your hurt for the time being and protect your own assets (no-one need know) and then weep for your lost son.
Bless you, I know how bitter these tears will be. XX

how terrible, family can be so cruel at times, my Grandson's new girl seems to have the same ploy in mind. We've always been so close, but that also is our strength because at some stage that family love will prevail and I'm sure it will for you too.