My children never visit me - am I being unreasonable?
Watch this postMy son and daughter both a long way from where I live but neither one of them ever make the effort to visit me. In the past I have always been expected to visit them but I am not so able to travel now. Am I being unreasonable?
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I do feel that children are often made to feel guilty if they don't visit their parents - or grandparents. Imagine, if you will, how you would react if you had felt an obligation to visit your parents. I know I would feel utterly miserable if I thought my daughter visited us out of a sense of duty; the fact that we have openly discussed this means that she is genuinely happy to visit when she can.
Maybe my attitude comes from having lived abroad for many years at a time, when the only contact was letter writing; every letter to and from my parents was cherished, and still is. My daughter has recently returned from living in Vietnam for several years during which time we emailed each other every few days - again, each one cherished. We have written to each other regularly from the day she left home to go to uni, and have become accustomed to long distance relationships, so that when we do see each other it is all the more special.
Perhaps you could keep in touch with letters, or cards for no particular reason other than saying Hello, and emails if you're on the internet. Skype is also great - in our case we decided against using it because it would have been too emotional, but I know many people who love it. Maintaining the contact, for me, is just as important as visits. We miss our daughter SO much, but we're in touch every few days if only to send a "Love you" email.
She's planning a visit in a few weeks, and we all know it's because she wants to, not because she feels it's "time to see the Oldies".
That said, I'm very lucky as they do all make an effort to come and visit when they can. The one we see least of is the one who only lives 4 miles away !!
If, in later life, adult children do visit their parents, or become carers to them (as I have done, caring for my very elderly parents), it should be because they want to, not out of a sense of duty. My adult daughter,who is single with no children, is under no obligation to me and her father, none whatsoever; because she has been told this from quite an early age she has been free to live her life the way she wants to. I know that when she visits it's because she actually wants to, not because she feels she has to.