Items to put a smile on your face ? :O)
Watch this postFirst Day at The Zoo:
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps pelting him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?” (Wait for it !!!!!)………………
The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"
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We don't tolerate swearing, and reserve the right to remove any posts which we feel may offend others... let's keep it friendly!
He says to them:
"Paul, I want you to take the Miller Steet houses."
"Valerie, take the flats over in Coal Harbour and Davy Street."
"Mike, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Mildred, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the shopping precinct."
The nurse is just amazed by all this, and, as Mr. Durwood passes away, she says,
"Mrs. Durwood, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property!"
Mildred replies, "Property?
That was the tight fisted sod's paper round!"
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise”.
(You’re going to love this, and you’re going to hate yourself for loving it!...)
“Ah! So sorry,”says the waiter,“I bring you Peeking Duck .”
Well, at least she's honest …….
Just had curried pelican at the local Indian.
It was OK but the bill was enormous …..
As she sat on the bed, eyes full of tears, he whispered,
"You've been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side..
.
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're damn bad luck !!"
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said,
"Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry with anticipation , and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door !! "
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
She absolutely adored that damn cat!
A heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said: "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
Live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was knocked down and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded:
"I thought you said I had another 43 years to live ?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
God replied: " sorry I just didn't recognize you.."
MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
_______________________________
The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost of placing an entry, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?”
He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple he explained,
“My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted owt swanky’.
“Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.
‘Nay,’ he said, ‘she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died”.
“You need to say when,’ he was told by the receptionist.
‘Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.’
‘It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.’
The man considered for a moment. ‘Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do,’ he said.
‘You can have another four words,’ the woman explained.
‘No, no!’ he cried, ‘she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.’
“The words are included in the price,’ the woman informed him.
‘Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em
‘Yes, indeed.’
‘Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em exclaimed the man, ‘I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.’
The obituary was duly printed:
Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th March 2015. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.