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I too have family but sometimes feels that I am so busy supporting them through their grief that I don't feel they understand it from my perspective. It's all new and so hard to explain my feelings when I don't really know how I feel. Does that make sense? Thank you for responding.

Hi. My name is Leila. I live in London. I lost my husband suddenly in October 2021. It was very sudden so I'm really trying to come to terms with it as it was such a shock.
He was 83 and we'd been married for 61 years. I've got 2 sons who are really great. 5 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren.
It would lovely to chat so hopefully you'll keep in touch.

Hello again, I think I have the opposite problems with family to you, mine live 2 hours away from me - I don' get to see or speak to them very often, but I agree they don't understand what it's like to be left on your own. I have friends that say they understand, but you know they don't - they've not been through it, how can they? You can't like losing your life partner to losing a parent or sibling, we were married for 51 years, 52 a the end of this month, I was 17 when we met, never been anyone else for me.

It's been 10 months since my Husband died, I'm still trying to find my feet. Like you, not sure how I feel sometimes.........it's difficult trying to keep busy 24/7.

I've never lived on my own before and it is all new, trying to cope with your feelings as well as running a home on your own, all the jobs we used to share. The last year seems like a nightmare when I look back on it. I still don't sleep well, feel drained a lot of the time. thanks for coming back to me, I'm here if you want to chat more

Our stories are similar then Jaccards. I met my husband when I was 16 1/2 and we married when I was 18 we would have been married 51 years at the beginning of April. Worked in school for 20 years and was a childminder previous to that so always surrounded by people. My children don't understand when I say it's the overwhelming silence that is part of the difficulty. I also don't sleep well, have decorated and re-arranged my bedroom as I can't get that night out of my head. Hasn't helped much as yet though. I try to stay positive, now the days are getting longer I can spend more time in the garden. The darker nights have seemed never ending. I am waiting for some light at the end of the tunnel. Stay well.

I agree with you Feen021, the silence is deafening, I always have the TV or radio on, not the same I know but, it helps a bit, although due to a leaking pipe under my floor I've had to have a dehumidifier and fans going for the last couple of months as well...not good.

It's so hard to be without someone you've spent your life with, isn't it? I've had lots of different jobs in my life, won't bore you with a list of them all, the last 10 years of working before retirement was working for an insurance company, John, my Husband and I both worked there, so spent more time together over those years, meeting for lunch, etc......he drove us there and back as I don't drive - one of the big regrets of my life ...................we both came from the Eastend of London and back in the day I didn't need to drive as buses and tubes everywhere...so easy to get around and then 25 years ago we moved to Lincolnshire, I still didn't feel the need to drive as we went everywhere together.............hence me being more isolated now. To be honest, I don't feel the need to go out much and when I have it just doesn't feel the same without John.

My home is a complete mess with most of my flooring taken up due to the leak but, when it's all dried out (whenever that'll be the way things are going) a lot of it will be decorated, etc. John had hospice at home care and I really need the room he was in changed, like your experience the memory is so strong, I don't think we'll ever get over that. People have said maybe I should move, I don't want to though, we spent so many happy years here.

We both loved our garden and spent a lot of our time out there, I couldn't even walk round it last year without crying, he was everywhere out there. Time does help things though as I went out there last Sunday and cut the roses back, over did it a bit and went giddy! My fault for not eating first. I agree also with the dark nights, etc. I've never been a fan of winter ..so dismal and even more so this year, hopefully we'll both feel a bit better about things when the lighter nights and warmer weather is with us. I'm also trying to get back into some of my other hobbies, cross stitch and making cards, have made a start but, find it hard to get into the mood to do them sometimes.

You take care and hope to chat again soon

laughing at how similar our stories are! We moved here 5 yrs ago and after 3yrs we could here a strange ticking in the wall of our living room. Investigations discovered 4" of water under the living room floor. Insurance company put in industrial fans, holes in the floors, plaster removed from walls, was a nightmare for 4 months. However one of my daughter met her forever partner through it he was the guy drying out our house. Also a guy who has been a brick through our trauma. Don't get stressed by the mess in the house, it will get better! I am guilty also of throwing myself into the garden and overdoing it just so I am occupied. Stay in touch, lovely to share.

you are not butting in Terry, pleased to meet you. I have seen some of your travel logs on your profile. Fascinating, as I have never left these shores, have never had a passport. My husband had no interest in travel other than the British Isles. He was a coach driver so knew our country like the back of his hands. I don't feel like I completely missed out but would have liked to whale watch, sailed on fjords and maybe seen Japan. I have no tolerance of slithery things with no legs or giant arachnids so that rules out many places lol.

Evening Terry. Yes I do like to reach out to others, part of my nature I think and someone has to be first to strike up conversation. I think I would love to see all the sights of animals in the wild. I would be held back though by the fear of snakes and things that like to bite you lol. I feel much safer watching someone else do it on telly, but I would imagine it's a brilliant feeling watching first hand. You must have so many fabulous memories to look back on and the pleasure of planning another trip. Lovely to hear from you. Stay safe. Janet. (That's my real name)

Hope you have had a good day. I was tempted into the garden by the sun today but got driven back by the cold. Great to see all the spring bulbs coming out though, gives you hope. Stay warm.

Hello Terry,

Don't feel like you are butting in and it may be good to have a male joining this chat.

Wow, you certainly do get around! John, my Husband and I used to love going on holidays, not as adventurous as you though, the furtherest we've been was on a cruise about 26 years ago when we went to Egypt and Israel. Other than that we loved Greece amongst other places. Although I'd probably love to go on a safari, not sure I'd be brave enough!! Sadly, we were not able to travel much in the short time of our retirement as we cared for my Mum here after a year of freedom, she passed away just 3 months after John.

I have a friend that I met through a gardening group on facebook that lives in Southampton, looks like a nice place to live, I'm in Lincolnshire. From the Eastend of London originally and moved here about 25 years ago. Due to work, etc never really got the chance to make many friends here. My children live 2 hours away and I don't get to see them as often as I would like.

Nice to meet you and chat

Jackie

hello again,

Seems we do have a lot in common! I've just had another trench dug to find out if leak still ongoing, will probably have to have plaster taken off the walls as well. Not sure what's going to happen after that................guess it's keeping me busy. How lovely that your Daughter met her partner through your eow problem, you never know what's going to happen if life, do you?

It's good that that guy has been good to you throughout your trauma, must be great to have someone to lean on.

Weather has changed here so no plans to get into the garden for the time being, was supposed to have gardeners here today and yesterday to cut the hedges but, they said due to weather conditions can't do it but, will hopefully be back next week, fingers crossed, it's so difficult finding reliable gardeners that don't cost the earth.

Keep well and warm

Jackie

Hi. I totally understand how difficult it is to get used to living on your own. I found in the beginning that just having to cook for myself took an awful lot of getting used to.
Like you I started going out with my husband when I was 15 and he was 16. So many years together. It's a lifetime so losing him so suddenly has created a big hole in my life. It's a shame all of us on here can't get together.
Hope you are well
Best wishes
Leila

rough day today, be back to chat tomorrow. Janet

Snap, hope you're okay

I will bounce back. Good to see that we can connect together. Thats what I like to see. Helping each other.

Hi Janet,

Hope you are feeling better today.

Like you yesterday was a bit rough, cried most of it - my Daughter rang on Thursday evening and mentioned my upcoming wedding anniversary on Monday, just set me off. I've been trying to ignore it up until then.

This time last year John was in hospital and he managed to get them to let him out for our anniversary.............to many memories coming up now and I know I'm going to be up and down.

Not to bad today, made myself be busy..............even made a card for a friends birthday next month, not one of my better efforts but, as said before am slowly getting into doing the things I used to.

Hope to hear from you when you are feeling better.

Take care


Jackie

Hello Terry,

Yes, make sure you don't get us J's muddled up, lol.

John, my Husband was in the Army too, he was in the 2nd Royal Tank Regiment, he did three years, we met the first time just before he joined up, liked each other immediately but, I was going out with someone else then. When the other guy and me broke up a friend told John - he'd joined up in the meantime - and we started to write to each other, met up and the rest is history, as they say. Once I'd had our Son, John decided to leave the Army as wanted to spend more time with us.

I guess we all make life choices and I don't regret a second of being with John and our children, my Son has never married.....lived with a few girls, mind you. Think he just likes doing his own thing!

I can imagine how exciting it must be for you to travel, Africa must be fascinating to visit. When my Daughter left Uni, some time ago now, she travelled around a lot of the world and has lived in a couple of European countries. Not sure where she got here adventurous genes from! Thanks for the offer but, on a truck overland in Africa, hmmmm.......

Keep well

Jackie

Hello Leila

Yes, it's so difficult to live alone after all those years spent together, never been on my own before.

I lost 2 stone last year, partly through looking after John and my Mum, but also not eating properly, as you say cooking for one is tough to get used to. I did get to a point where I needed to do things and started to cook again, like I used to. I batch cook and freeze into portions just big enough for me so I always have something in the freezer. It was hard at first as I cooked a lot of the meals John and I used to like and even eating them brought memories back and I'd cry sometimes just eating them. Am better at it now, although some things still stir memories of him and my Mum. I do get shop bought ready meals as well, not as many as I did at first.

I understand the 'leaving a big hole' in your life........we only had one year of retirement to ourselves and had planned many things to do ................my Stepdad, a wonderful man passed away suddenly and my Mum wasn't able to take care of herself, so we made the decision to have her live with us, in many ways I don't regret that decision, but due to her disabilites, etc we didn't get out much or take holidays and then the awful pandemic hit and we went out even less. Then the awful diagnosis for John and within five months he was gone, a month after losing him my Mum was diagnosed with cancer and she just gave up, although they only gave her the same as John, five months she was gone within two. I don't think anyone can understand the loss I feel after losing two of the people I love the most.

Life is so unfair, isn't it.............I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, I don't want to sit moping around, but get anxiety attacks when I think of going out on my own. I've only been out a couple of times since last summer and only with people I know and my children. I'm hoping once the weather changes I'll start to want to go out.

Keep well Leila

Jackie

Hi Terry,

Yes, we did have a happy marriage, had a few rough patches, like a lot of people but, the love was always there. I think it's different for my children, they have their own lives to live and I try not to cling to them to much, would like a bit more contact and visits from them than I get but, such is life!

I guessed the 'offer' to accompany you on the yellow truck wasn't serious............what would you have done if I jumped at the chance though, lol. Given half the chance, I think my Daughter would love to do something like that, she still has the travel bug, I think but, with a 10 year old Son now and divorced not sure she (like me) could afford it these days.

I'm not into many sports but, do remember Saturday afternoons as a youngster watching the wrestling with my parents which I loved. Then with my Husband started to get into boxing, he did some when in the Army, more recently got into golf and I did enjoy watching that on the telly. My Mum was a huge tennis fan and I kind of got into that over the years she lived with us, but not something I would choose to watch now...........I might have the golf on when it's on though.

Shame nothing interested you on telly last night and that you had a good read instead, think I might do more of that when I can sit in the garden............what type of books do you like to read, I really like James Patterson and Tom Clancy. I got a couple of Richard Osman books for Christmas pressies and will try to get into them soon.

Stay well

Jackie

Hi Jackie, hope things are going well, you have been a bit quiet. It is getting hard to follow the conversations on her but have to say I have enjoyed the chats between us and others and hope they continue. Stay in touch, have a good day. Janet.

Hi Leila, I can't see any comments from you for the last few days. Hope you are Ok. I commented to my daughter that I had spent far more years with my husband than I did with my parents. It's hard to fill that hole, but we will. They will always walk beside us, how could they not after a lifetime together. Bet they would be glad that we are reaching out to others and forging new friendships to help us through. Take care and stay well. Janet.

Hello Janet, I've not been great this week, was our 52 wedding anniversary on Monday, spent all day on my own and to be honest crying for most of it. This time last year John came out of his first stay in hospital on our anniversary and we were both so happy that that could happen. I'm still 'not right' so won't stay long - I'll will be okay, just need time I guess.

I was trying to think about things the other day as I know you and Leila both had to suffer the sudden deaths of your husband's, I had five months of knowing what was going to happen and still don't think I believed it was true, still get thoughts that he'll come home.

Oh Jackie, I can only imagine! My anniversary is looming. We were married on April 3rd, which was also Easter Monday, over the years we have laughed that we were lucky to have 2 anniversaries a year. Now I am not so sure, Christmas and New Year was a trial. I just tried to smile in the right places but anniversaries are more personal so I know its going to be hard. I am going to try very hard to be positive. There are so many of us in the same situation even though it feels a lonely place to be.. Keep batting on my new found friend, we will get there. take care. Janet.

while responding on here my daughter has just been to tell me her mother-in-law died this morning. Expected but still a shock. Just another set back.

Sorry to hear that Janet, take care x

Hi Leila, sorry for your loss. Feel free to chat anytime. Debbie

Hi Jaccards, I’m not sure how I’d cope if I lost my husband either and has already been said, people will not understand until they go they go through it. I’m sorry for your loss. Feel free to chat anytime. Debbie

Hi Jaccards, that must be awful for you, still thinking that your husband is coming home. I think you Leila and Janet are being very brave. Debbie

~Hello Terry, just to let you know that I'm still here, trying to deal with emotions, it's tough but, I'll get there x

Hello Janet, I've been so low this past week, almost had a falling out with my Daughter this morning, but, it's okay now. It was so difficult getting through the anniversary and now I have this feeling of dread as it'll be the anniversary of John's dying at the end of April and can't seem to get that out of my mind.

The week before our anniversary John was taken into hospital as couldn't breath, they let him come home on our anniversary and it was such a happy day. Trying to remember how happy we were made it all the more difficult last week. He slowly deteriorated after that, lost so much weight, he was always such a fit man, never ill.

I'll get through this, given time. I feel for you in regards to your Mother in Law passing away, mine did just before Christmas, so that's three losses in 8 months.

I'll leave it there before I get to maudling and hope you are okay.

Jackie

Hello Debbie, thanks for your kind words, just an even more difficult time lately. My Daughter lives in Birmingham with my Grandson, my Son lives in London, both to far away for me to see them often.... not sure brave is the word for it, not really been left with much choice but, to try and carry on without them. Will try to chat more sometime......Jackie

Thanks for your kind words Terry, replying to everyone on here today has helped a bit, good to know I have people on here to chat with ....take care yourself, expect your busy planning for your trip later in the year, will chat again soon....Jackie x

Hi Jackie, sorry you are having such a bad week. Memories are bittersweet things aren't they. At the moment the bad ones outweigh the good but I am sure we will both find that balance will hopefully change. I can't look at photos at the minute because I wonder if there was a change in Bernie that I missed and should have seen. Still we can't change our past so we have to look to the future as positively as we can. You take care. Always here with a listening ear. Janet.

Hope you had a good birthday. Been looking at your About Africa site. Makes my haggis hunting look tame lol. Some stunning locations and lovely photos on there, keeps you warm just looking at them. Regards, Janet.

Hope you are ok Jackie and not snowed in yet. Don't know which bit of Lincolnshire you are in, I border on it so cross the county line occasionally lol. The arthritis in my knee doesn't like this cold so not been in the garden today. I think hibernation would be a good idea for us just at present. Looking forward to your next chat. Take care. Janet.

Hi. So sorry that you lost your mum as well. My parents died within a year of each other. My father had leukemia and my mother had a stroke so I was looking after them both. I gave up work to do it but never regretted it. My husband retired when he was 52. He was a bank manager for his sins He was offered early retirement and he grabbed it. Such a shame we don't live near each other. I've joined a coffee morning get together. Everyone is very friendly and I go with a neighbour.
I've gone mad and booked a holiday for the end of May. I've booked a cruise. We used to go on one every year so it's going to be very emotional. He loved them and could really relax. It's a very strange feeling that when I'm in company I feel it more than when I'm on my own. It's like being a spare part. Especially when others have their partners with them. I suppose I'm lucky in a way that there are others who have lost a partner who have no one. No children or family or friends. That's a tragedy..
Do keep in touch.
Keep well
Leila

Evening Terry, a rather boring day today as it has been quite cold and grey. Resorted to cleaning out a kitchen cupboard. My daughter is a care home manager and been complaining that the staff keep invading her office and using her coffee mug so guess who solved that one for her by clearing a cupboard lol. My good deed for the day. Heading off to bed now with my trusty kindle. Hope you have had a good day. Looking forward to our next chat. Stay warm! Janet.

Hi Leila. How brilliant that you have booked a holiday, something nice to focus on. Yes I understand the feeling of being the third wheel in company when you are used to being part of a couple, it's very strange! It will feel emotional but hope you can revisit your memories of past cruises with fond thoughts of all you shared. Take care in this cold snap. Best wishes. Janet

Hello Leila,

Am having trouble finding posts lately! It was so tough, don't think I grieved for John at first as was so busy filling in all the paperwork, etc that goes with someone dying, backwards and forwards to hospitals, etc with Mum and then her diagnosis was such a shock .............she always said if she found out she had cancer she would curl up and die..............that's exactly what she did, just gave up. My Stepdad died three years ago, suddenly from a heart attack, he was a wonderful man and did everything for Mum (she had a few disabilities, which is why she came to live with us). I was at a total loss after Mum died, I was so used to looking after her and didn't know what to do with myself, to much time on my hands. I'm hoping that once the weather improves I'll start going out and about a bit, trouble is I just don't know what I want to do. So used to just getting in the car if we went shopping or a day out to the coast.........not being able to drive where I live is a real pain and none of the real friends that I have drive either.

I think it's wonderful that you've book to go on a cruise, are you going with friends or family? I'm sure you will have a lovely time. I've only been on one cruise, some years ago now, with John, we did enjoy it.

Nothing wrong with being a Bank Manager Leila, many, many years ago I used to work as a cashier for NatWest Bank and we had a lovely Bank Manager then.

Take care and hope to chat again soon

Jackie

Hi Janet,

No snow here as yet!! I live in South Lincs, about 20-30 minutes from Boston, we border Cambridgeshire and Norfolk amongst other places, used to work in Peterborough which is about 30 minutes away as well.

I agree with the hibernation thing, it's what I do most winters. Thankfully, I don't really suffer with arthritis, a little in my thumbs oddly. I was told years ago that I would suffer arthritis in my ankle after a fall where I broke my leg and dislocated my ankle, had to have an operation on the ankle to put it back. I'll make you laugh now, the fall was getting out of the car, yup not many people have the skills I do!! I also think that due to using crutches at that time has caused the arthritis in my thumbs, was never shown how to use them correctly.

I just hope this is the last of bad weather for now, I'm really looking forward to things warming up a bit, am sure it's affecting my mood too.

I've been thinking a lot lately of how our (and others) partners died and have been afraid to mention it on here but, trying to figure out if it's better to lose someone suddenly or watch them fade from the person they were. Obviously, both are traumatic in there own way and I wouldn't wish either on anyone, just trying to figure things out in my head as part of my feeling low now is down to the fact that this time last year John was here, all be it in a hospital bed and being nursed by me, nurses from the Hospice and carers coming in - I keep getting flashbacks at things that happened and what is coming up - I wish our brains had an off switch!!

I'm off now to chase my insurance company up, not heard anything from them for two weeks since the floor was dug up again - another thing to cope with.

Take care, hope you don't get snowed in - think you'll get more than us further South, keeping warm is the main thing.

Chat soon

Jackie

Hi Jackie, no snow yet, forecast for Thursday now. The arthritis in my knee was apparently because I spent 20 years sitting on little chairs, crouching by desks and partaking of PE lessons and when I retired and stopped all that the muscles in my knee objected. Of course we then had lockdown which inhibited moving around. So not as dramatic as your falling out of a car lol. Please don't ever worry about anything you want to say on here, that's why we are here. I lost my mum and dad to cancer. Dad lasted a year and was full of hope. Was 6 months for my mum and I remember them as long stressful months but on the plus side it gave us chance to say everything we wanted to them. With Bernie I didn't get chance to say goodbye or say all I wished I had, but for him there was no long suffering. I too get flashbacks of that night despite changing and redecorating the bedroom . While we were doing it I discovered during a conversation with my daughter that great chunks of that night have gone from my memory. I don't recall ringing her or what I said. I have no recall of speaking to the firemen and the debate about whether to try to take off the door or smash the window (they took the window option) and I know the police were there but I couldn't pick them out of a line up or say what we talked about. I felt Bernie was taken away too quickly but my son told me I laid with him for 2 1/2 hrs and wouldn't let go of him. One of the neighbours dropped something in the garden a few weeks ago and the sound of breaking glass had me propelled straight back to that night. There had to be an autopsy and I was horrified but glad after because my brain tortured me for 4 days and nights with "what if I hadn't stayed up and read 5 more chapters of my book, would I have made a difference if I had found him any earlier" we got an emphatic no from the coroner, nothing would have changed, so in a way that was a relief Yes our brains should come with an off switch. On the floor front we have discovered that the flood I had under mine has rotted some joists. I am to de-camp to my daughters while half my floor is being renewed next week (seems I am not to be trusted not to fall down the holes lol) so more disruption to come. Hope you stay warm and well. Hope to speak soon. Janet.

Evening Terry, hope you are staying warm, been a bitterly cold day here but at least the sun was out. I enjoyed my snuggle in bed with my book last night though of course I read more chapters than I intended. Be glad when warmer weather gets to us. Hope you have had a productive day and done something interesting. Regards. Janet x

Those kind of nights are still familiar to me. So sorry about your trip. Hope you can find another that will fit in with when you want to go. Not snowing here yet but it's really cold so I won't be straying far either. I will just look at all my daffodils through the window, I told them to keep their heads down as it might snow, but they didn't listen and are popping out all over lol. Have a lovely day. Speak soon. Janetx

Was thinking about your trip last night. Is it safe to do it independently? Don't want to wake up and see on the news that my new found friend has been mauled to death by lions! I have to de-camp to my daughters next week as my floor is being ripped up and new joists fitted. Of course with Mum now in her dotage I can't be trusted not to fall down the holes lol. Laptop will be coming with me so we can still be in touch. Snowing but not settling here today. Stay safe. Speak soon. Janet x (Going to look at that site and decide if you can go!)

Ok, dispensation to travel is granted so you had better start saving up. It looks a lovely spot and I have read all the reviews. Someone suggested taking a padlock, not sure if that's to keep your belongings safe or to chain yourself to the bed so no-one can steal your spot lol. Nice that they are mindful of the environment and community. However, no bungee jumping is allowed and you have to take many pics of your adventure. We will find a way to share them. Speak soon. Janet x

Hi Janet, it must of been so traumatic for you to find your Husband like that, I do understand the shock of it must of been horrendous for you and your family, no wonder your brain is trying to block a lot of what happened out.

I also understand not being able to say goodbye, I believe John was in denial about what was happening and going to happen to him, he didn't talk about it at all, right up to the end. The only comfort I have is knowing how much he loved me and vice versa and I'm holding tight to that thought.

Sounds like we again have something in common, after chasing my insurance co up this week it appears I need to get some pipes replaced! We had a leak some years ago, floor was dug up where the damp was showing and I'm sure they damaged a pipe and it seems they replaced it with one using a compression joint,......now I'm being told you shouldn't have compression joints under concrete floors and it needs to be replaced with a soldered one. I have a company coming out next week to quote to do the job. It's driving me mad now, John started the claim back this time last year, couldn't have anything done due to him being in a room that adjoins where the leak was, then Mum got ill so more delays. The floor was dug up and leak repaired in June last year, was only a small area and new flooring was booked in for November. Then all flooring had to be taken up and machines installed, it's been about 4 months now with the noise and dust from the machines all day. Can't wait for it all to be over.

Have you had much snow the past few days? We had a fair bit yesterday but, it had gone before I went to bed, got up this morning to find the garden full of it again and now after some rain it's all gone again and the sun is shining - typical for us Brits, eh! Just can't wait for it to warm up enough to get into the garden, I have a gardener coming out next week to quote for some tidying up - just hope I don't get to much of a shock at the cost, lol.

Take care and hope to chat again soon ....Jackie

ps.......it's getting really difficult keeping up with everyone these days on here

Well that sounds safer than being on your own Terry. It's cold again here so staying home based today. Have a Good one. Janet x

Morning Jackie, yes it is getting difficult to find posts. I have set up a chat group to see if it makes it easier for us all but will keep looking at posts here. It took about 3 months to dry my space out too, the constant noise and dust was horrendous. I am going to my daughters this week while my floor is replaced, laptop will be going with me so we can stay in touch. Have a good day. Janet.

Going to daughters on Monday Terry, don't know how long the floor will take so have to play it by ear. Have you spotted the group I have set up in chat. Thought it might make staying in touch easier for us all, Gets hard to find posts here and sometimes miss them. Take care, speak soon. Janet x

Hello Jackie, I'm quite new here so I will say "hello" to you and everyone else. Although I joined Silversurfers almost at the beginning I have only just returned. Your words have particularly resonated with me and mirrors how I feel too: "Life is so unfair, isn't it.............I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, I don't want to sit moping around, but get anxiety attacks when I think of going out on my own. I've only been out a couple of times since last summer and only with people I know and my children. I'm hoping once the weather changes I'll start to want to go out."

I was separated in 1987 after 24 years of marriage and eventually divorced in 1994, so life has been totally different and I still find it very hard to trying to make a new life on my own, My daughter once said to me that society is geared to couples and families. She said this when she was 19 after a wrong diagnosis of cancer leaving her infertile at such a young age. I now realise how true her words are.

It is important to have people around us as we are getting older, circumstances change in everyone's life and we have to get on with it, hard as that is for many of us.

My heart goes out to you all coping with your loss but the sun will shine again. Memories can never be taken away when they are in your heart.

Nite nite. all.

Hello Dogsbody, hated typing that name!!

I know the feeling of not knowing what to do with the rest of your life, been feeling like that a lot recently. I try not to sit and mope but, sometimes it just weighs you down, like you I get anxiety attacks when I think about going out on my own, okay if with other people.

All the things I used to do with John and have fun doing just don't seem the same anymore, I just hope one day I'll start to take pleasure in some of the things, have fun and enjoy life. I think as I was carer for my Mum for six years and then John being ill I became used to caring for someone and now on my own find it hard to look after myself a lot of the time.

I am slowly doing more in the garden and around the home but, waiting for my home to be returned to some kind of normal is getting me down as well.

Our stories are different, I never thought I'd end up on my own at this age. I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, how is she doing and coping with things? Do you have any other children?

I have a Son and Daughter and one Grandchild, my Daughter and her husband were trying for a baby when she had an ectopic pregnancy, she nearly died as lost so much blood, she couldn't conceive naturally after that and had IVF, the second treatment worked and she had a baby boy, that was 10 years ago now, so lucky we have him in our lives.

I'm here if you want to chat again then please do, thank you for your kind words and I'd like to repeat them to you, Take care.........Jackie x

Hope you dont mind, but I too lost my one and only, and feel th loneliness most days. I live in Paignton, Devon, ha 4 children, 3 of whom are local. I go out most days, but would still like to find someone for me. My family are great and care much, but I feel have their own worlds to live. I,m gone 80, but still fit and well and a bit 'lost'.

hello Geeljay, you are welcome to join in - it's sad that we're all getting together through the loss of a much loved one, but hopefully in some small way we can help each other.

You live in a lovely part of the country, have you always lived in Devon?

Great that most of your family are local to you, hopefully you see them on a regular basis. I have a Son and Daughter and one Grandson, unfortunately they both live over 2 hours away from me so I don't get to see them as often as I'd like to.

Like you, I feel lonely a lot of the time, I have a couple of friends here but, some weeks I can go 3-4 days without really speaking to anyone, Even when I've had visitors I can still feel lonely. Moved here to Lincs from Essex, before that was a born and bred Eastender.

Do you have any hobbies to occupy yourself? I've found it hard to try and get back into them due to all that happened last year but, am slowly trying to find my feet again,

Do take care and come back and chat anytime you want to, I might not answer for a day or two but, will always come back to you ....Jackie

I am 61 .lost my husband a little over a year ago.been so different. Being alone ..was married over 40 years to him..and suddenly ALONE...not sure what is right or wrong to do anymore.. still look for things to occupy my mind .but mostly just watch tv or listen to it or music.read slot as well...just not the normal and its confusing..nobody truly understands it unless they have been through it unfortunately.....and its hard

Hi Rosemp, I totally get what you are saying, even doing 'normal' things can feel so different and strange. Some days can seem to go on for ever, it's been just over a year for me since losing my John, we were married for 51 years when he died, met when I was 17.

Let me know if you want to chat more, take care ....Jackie x

Understand wat u r saying my daughter is a nurse and was with her father when he died it has affected her so bad so many other problems have arisen and I have not been able to grieve I also do not know wat or how I feel xx
I feel for u xx

Having been widowed twice in 5 years and a reasonably fit 80 year old, ,time is short and I don’t want to spend what’s left of it on my own..
What are your views on this?

Hi Paul,

I totally agree with your comments on night time loneliness.

I lost my darling husband five months ago after a seven year battle with various cancers.

I have a great circle of friends, but they have partners and it is not the same when we get together. Evenings are a nightmare as you say.

I try watching tv but most of the programs were programs I watched. With my husband. I tend to go to bed early and try to puzzles etc., on my iPad until I feel tired.

I have joined a small group of people, that I didn’t know before and are on their own, we sometimes have a meal out and chat. This is
Helping. Take care.

hi Chris, just checking in and hope you are well, how's your garden going? Take care x

Hi it's been a while just not feeling like chatting, garden is doing well, had 1.8 ton of slate delivered, potted 3 roses, and just finished repairing the decking part of my summerhouse, been outside a lot now the sun is out. Hope all is going well with you.

Hi Chris, glad to hear you are okay. I understand if you don't always want to chat, I get like that sometimes too. These messages are not showing up in my emails like they used to so missed this one from you.

I've been venturing out in my garden a bit more when the weather is fine, finding it a bit overwhelming sometimes as have a lot of ground elder suddenly appeared and lots of unwanted grasses, have a gardener now but, he can't get to me as often as I'd like.

I've even tried taking a couple of cuttings and did a little seed sowing at the weekend, will see how they do.

Bit chilly here again this morning, they say will be warmer by the end of the week, we'll be able to get out there and enjoy our gardens again.

At last I've been told my floors, etc are all dry and am now waiting for a date for decorating to start.

Take care and chat again if you feel like it ..........Jackie

Hi hope you are well, sounds like the garden is coming on, hope the house is done soon. Me I have nearly finished the garden just spending time on the pond clearing the blanketweed daily to try and keep water clear, fish are enjoying the warm weather so that's good. Take Care

Hi Chris, good to hear from you. I've been doing jobs in the garden today, mainly weeding...seems their neverending, lol. I have a gardener coming out on Monday but, it's so dry out there now and now they are telling us heatwave and possible thunderstorms, we certainly need the rain though don't we?

We used to have a large pond in the garden but, herons kept taking the koi carp, etc....it never looked right with netting over it so ended up filling it in after a few years.

Don't work out there to hard in the hot weather and take care, ......Jackie

Thank you Jackie, it's a hard road I am travelling at the minute, but getting there. Have met lovely people on here who have all been helpful. I have been retired 3 years now and still looking for things to fill my time with, more so now I am on my own. Lovely of you to reach out. Hopefully speak again soon.

Hi, it is indeed a lonely long road, and as someone has mentioned people/ family do not understand how it feels as much as they try to. I found that my childrens grief took over as I supported them through but as for me I had to deal with it myself. Fortunately a couple of very close collegues helped me but mostly I had to cope... and you do.. just takes a long, long time. Just one day at a time and then you get through it and slowly you begin to smile at the beautiful memories, at a song on the radio, or at a robin singing in the garden then the tears come but you cope. Eventually you will smile.. just as they would want you too.
Now the sun is on its way and more jobs to do...but at least its a bit warmer.. the water problems sounds horrendous for people and for such a long time, hopefully all sorted on at least nearly complete...
Do you enjoy reading? Ive started using Borrow Box an app linked to the Libraries which has amazing choices. saves me searching for my glasses and finding space for yet more books. Usually enjoy listening whilst ironing or painting.
There appears to be some amazing classes on here-well looks like it- has anyone tried them? The Goldster section? I must admit there seems to be a lot on here but I find it a difficult site to navigate, Ive replied to comments only to see they're 5 years old lol!
Easter- whats the plan? My granchildren want an egg hunt.. should be fun, lets hope the weather holds out. Unusually I have a little one who doesn't like chocolate- any type- yes you heard no chocolate! So we buy the little plastic eggs and fill them with other bits... Really strangely I find myself saying things that my mum used to say... "the eggs are not as nice or as chocolately as they were when I was a child". Im sure all the sweets/ chocolates used to be inside the eggs and Im sure the chocolate was a better quality but maybe as we didn't have everything 'on tap' and really enjoyed our 'treats' they tasted better who knows?

Now I know im getting old... where has the time gone? Where did you grow up? Have you always lived in the same area? I'm from London originally.. I loved it, lived in flats ( not so nice now) but used to play out until all hours, with the other kids playing so many games... Runouts, chainnee ( we called it) Bulldog,, so much fun... I can remember the long holidays, using the Red Bus Rover which was only about 10p .we could go on any red bus all day and we did! Gosh so worrying now what we got up to, think Id be worried sick if my grand kids did that although to be fair Im not sure if they have the same street cred and sense if you know what I mean? Yes, definitely getting old,,, but lots of lovely memories.... How about you? What do you remember from your childhood? Sorry for the long ramble. Jackie x

Hello Jackie, recently bereaved, so I,m in the same place as many.

Hello Supersabre,
Im sorry youre facing this long road,,, just reach out when you feel you can, Being on here is a good start, I fund I could sa=y things that im unable to say to family as I was too busy helping them with their grief.
Where abouts are you from?
Here if you need a chat
xx

Yes Supersabre, there are many in the same position. It just doesn't feel like it at the time does it. We are all different and deal with things in our own way, but having a listening ear often helps. Having an independent ear means we can express ourselves freely. Hope today is one of the good ones for you. Best wishes.

Hello Jackie, sorry about the delay.
I am from Kent. I find it's the little things that catch you. One cup of tea, one bowl of cereal.
I think you just have to take one day at a time.
Just keep going.

Thats all you can do, and gradually it will expand. The little things you mention will in time make you smile.
Being on your own is a difficult transition, all the little chats and remarks that you would normally make and the shared interests make it dificult to experience. But you will get there- wherever that is! Its diiffuclt to keep biusy and fill time depending on what you like to do and whats around you. There is a little club nearby that has some activities/ excercises and I think I might volunteer in a charity shop if they need support just to keep me busy. Have you anything like that around you?
Speak soon Jackie
xx

Yes, I intend taking on some voluntary work, when things settle down. But I am still in the early stages as yet.

Yes,, I am finding what comes afterwards some times tricky. All the post, letting people know etc.
Though I am sure we all go through the same process. Some easy, others not so.

My partner died last August after I cared for him at home for months. It is difficult to make a new life on your own, but many people have managed to and I'm sure we can too. I've been changing things in the house to the way I want them, I've found that helps a bit. I changed the lounge first as that's where the hospital bed was and I wanted to dim that memory. Maybe consider making a few changes to make your home your own. My heart goes out to you.

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Hello Vasu,

I am new to this site. I am 69 and live in Texas. I have lived in Texas since 2001. I lived in
Arkansas prior to that. I have two daughters and 5 grand children. I work from home. You stated you have lived in been living in New York City area. Do you have family there? Have you traveled a lot? I personally have never been out of the United States. I have been to a few other states though: Colorado, New Mexico, Louisiana, Connecticut, Illinois, Florida and Oklahoma. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Hi Cthywlkr. I am new to this site and also live in Texas. It's a big state but I am hoping to meet people who like to travel and see new places even if it is just within Texas. I am looking forward to exploring more of the southern regions in Mexico.

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Hello Pauline. Thank you for reaching out and offering a listening ear. I too enjoy talking, maybe a little too much. Where do you live and what are your interests? I am in Yorkshire. Hope you enjoy your day. Best wishes.

hope you enjoy your time on here. lots of friendly people.

Good morning.
Wednesday again, the weeks are slipping by.. Today I am having coffee with 2 female colleagues that I used to work with in the NHS. We catch up every few months, should be good fun
Recently I took my whole family of to 2 daughters their husbands and granddaughter to Madeira. Fantastic time. Temperature was a balmy 20 Deg. Big shock coming back to 3 Deg.. Have a good day and speak later.

Regards

good to catch up with colleagues. I go out to lunch with mine every 6 weeks or so.. hope you have got your thermals on until you adjust to the temperature. Best wishes.

Sounds good! Meeting up with old friends from time to time - I am doing the same whilst volunteering in a second hand bookshop this 'Saturday - then popping into the cafe with my friend for a light lunch - well known Suffolk tourist site!

Good memories of Madeira - had a tour from a cruise ship one day - some years ago...a lovely island and a favourite - I hear it is quite breath-taking to fly into though!! We saw the balcony where Churchill used to do his painting - a hire car took us round all the well known places to visit - a nice experience. Would have liked to be there longer!
A nice break for your famly at this time of year!
Caro

Hello and welcome Chris.. I lost my husband in November. It is hard to move forward and we all do it at our own pace. Some lovely people on here who are willing to chat and share their experiences.. Just pop a comment on some of their names. Have as good a day as you can. Best wishes.

Thank you very much for your reply and comment, I am really finding it difficult as I have never really shared before and we never had any children, so it's really just me. But everybody says one step at a time, thank you again.

It is difficult Chris. Some days are better than others. We did have children but they have their lives and children to occupy them and that is rightly so. It's hard to come to terms with the silence and loneliness but every day is a step forward. Do you still work?, Do you have friends supporting you? Not being nosy just hoping you have. Feel free to chat and share your feelings. People can advise but only you will know the right way forward. Take care. Janet.

Janet,

Thanks for your message, I have a sister that lives close and checks in on me on the phone a few times a week, apart from that no one really,.
Due to a muscle weakness in my right side I haven't worked for a few years, so spent a lot of time at home although I do drive.
I have just started getting support from the local hospice where my wife passed away.
I do find it hard to meet people but trying to adjust but it's very difficult.
Thank you again

Chris x

I hope the support from the hospice helps. Its hard when you are home alone. I am still in touch with friends I worked with but only see them in holiday times (I worked in education.) Always here as a listening ear. Take care.

Early days with the hospice and trying to get out and about sure it will come in time just hard at moment, because most of my married life was spent with my wife we did almost everything together, so it is so strange trying to change.

I get what you mean Chris. My husband had mobility issues for a few years before he died and I am just beginning to realise how our outings were geared to that. I have a park close to where I live but wandering around it alone seems alien. We have some lovely spots around us here in Yorkshire just need the motivation to visit them. Sure it will come. Keep striding forward. Look forward to hearing from you again. Janet.

Hi Chris, I’m sorry for your loss feel free to chat anytime Debbie

Hi DebbieSzr,

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Thank you Sally. I will put a little more about myself on here as I’m not sure how to start my own post? I hope that’s okay? I am 61 year old, married with 2 grown up children. I live in Birmingham.

Kind Regards
Debbie

Thank you Debbie,

That would be lovely.

Thanks Chris

I think the thing we all miss is the personal bits sharing our day, eating our meals, holding hands, sharing a kiss, curling up in bed together. Personal touches. Human contact. Think Jackie and Leila and you would understand Those are the things we have to address to go forward.

Thank you for inviting me in to comment and I will soon.

Hi Chris
Sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in October 21. Such a shock really. It takes a lot of getting used to after being together with someone. We were married for 61 years so it's left a big hole. Would be nice to chat. I'll fill you in with some details about myself then.

Hi Leita,

My wife died in 2022 after 16 years together, it was a shock when we got the news after the tests lots of them. But we new from then that it was only a matter of how long, My wife worked in the NHS for 37 years in radiotherapy in Ocology so she new what to expect and being in the hospital where she worked for 14 years was good and bad. I must say the hard time for me is not having that person by my side almost 24/7 because of covid I know it's early but I really need company to share my life with, sorry that's just the way I am, please don't judge as am only saying how it is my wife will always be my wife.

there are no judgements made here Chris. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. Everyone is different. Take care.

Thank you I didn't know if maybe people would take it the wrong way, not really good at explaining myself in words.

Hello Chris, hope you don't mind me jumping in. This comment struck a chord with me, we did everything together and trying to cope without him is just so hard. We used to talk things through, make decisions together, plan our future and now that's all gone, like you on my own, I do have two children and a grandson, but as said here previously they live miles away from me and we only speak every so often. Hopefully, we can all help each other get through these tough times ......Jackie

Hi Jaccards, I think that is the normal for a lot of people in the world I would never dream of making big decisions without including my wife, so I do understand exactly what is going on in your head plus I sometimes think for me it's easier without children. Like I would say to anybody if you need to chat, let of steam or just ask feel free to message me.

Hi Chris, wow it's getting so hard to find our messages on here! thanks for understanding what I said, after being married for 51 years I'm finding it so difficult not to have someone to lean on and having to do all the things we used to do together is tough.

I'm having to get a gardener in as a lot of the jobs I can't do..........heavy lifting, cutting back thick branches, etc. We always used to be out there together, it was our passion - looks awful at the minute but, hopefully once tidied up it'll encourage me to get back out there, I could barely go out there last year. Think I've been taken on by the people I've had so far and have had to bite the bullet and go with someone who is more expensive but, I think he'll do a better job.

Do you have any hobbies? I'm trying to get back into the hobbies I had, trouble with that is John also dabbled in them and again I miss his input and help when I couldn't figure things out.

I hope you feel comfortable chatting with us all and would look forward to hearing from you again

Jackie

Hi Jackie,

It's really nice talking I am in the middle of tidying my garden after missing last year,making it more low maintenance still able to do it so now is the time to start. Don't offer to everyone but if you lived closer I would see what I could do in your garden for you. Don't like it when people take advantage of other and don't do a good job, perhaps that should be a new hobby or job for me.
It would be nice to see a picture of who I talk to, or talk via email if the suits you whatever. Raining here a moment so no work till it warms up a bit. Chris

Hi Chris, sorry I've been on the missing list for a few days, lol. Had a friend round and trying to sort out an insurance claim has taken it's toll on me.

Glad to hear you've been sorting your garden out, I'd like to make mine a bit more low maintenance but, not sure where to start! I have a gardener coming out next week to quote for tidying it up as like you didn't get to do anything out there last year. It's really strange that I used to know the name of every plant we had and now can't seem to remember a lot of them and am getting surprises with some things that I'd forgotten were out there. Are you really into gardening/plants? Or just like to have it tidy for somewhere to sit, etc. If you really enjoy gardening, etc then you probably could give helping others out for a fee.

I live in Sth Lincs, to far for my children to come and help out, not that either of them are into gardening, lol. As said before, I hope that once it's tidied up it'll encourage me to get back out there and into sowing seeds/taking cuttings, etc. My poor old greenhouse is suffering to and needs a good clean and sort out!!

Been snowing here the past couple of days, you wouldn't think so now as rain has cleared it all away and the sun is trying to come out...............can't wait for warmer, sunnier weather to arrive.

Take care and hope to speak soon...........Jackie

Hi Jackie,

Well I hope the insurance claim goes well, I do like gardening just has to be nice to do it, will be sorting mine out this year, have already dug veg patch and covered it till I decide what to do. When I have dug the rest and finished I will send you a couple of pics hopefully when the summer turns up. Hope you find someone good to do yours.

Chris

Hi Jackie, nice to see you on here again. Been a bit too cold to venture out in my garden but have some seedlings on my windowsill. Hard to find some of our responses to posts. Shows that we are interested in keeping up friendships though. My floor is coming up to be replaced next week so will have to decamp to my daughters until its done. Guess that will be a distraction at least. Take care. Janet

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It is a shock Leila. Was totally unexpected and traumatic. He had collapsed behind the bedroom door so had firemen to break in through the window, paramedics and police. Nightmare, think I was in shock for days and still not sure I have processed it yet. Thank you for replying.

Your experience is similar to mine. My husband collapsed in the bathroom. He'd locked the door too. Fortunately he managed to open it. I called an ambulance that took 3 hours to arrive. It took 5 paramedics to get him down the stairs. This was on a Tuesday. By the following evening he was gone. It was an infected gallbladder.
It's such a shock when it's so quick like that.
Do keep in touch. It would be nice to chat

What an awful experience Leila. Sounds like I have a way to go yet, my husband passed away middle of November2022. We got through Xmas but then it seemed people thought i should be "over it" as we entered a New Year. I am still not sure how to re-act to some of the comments I receive. I have 5 children, 11 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild. Shouldn't feel lonely, but I often do. I don't know what normal is so I just go with the flow.

I lost my husband in 2014, he was 61, cardiac arrest while he was out alone, time is of the essence with that, it’s not the same as a heart attack. My last memory of him was that morning cup of tea in bed before we went our separate ways for the day, he had the day off, I went to work. In the evening as I got home, Police were waiting for me. We had been married 37 years, married him when I was 17. 7. years earlier in 2007 our son also had a cardiac arrest and died, he was 30 years old. It’s so hard to come to terms with, and since I have remarried, but, it just didn’t work out so now I’m divorced, alone with my little dog who is my lifeline. I have no other family, I work part time which keeps me occupied and I always have a smile and a cheery kind word for people. Some say that you get over it, I say you learn to live with it, you never get over it, especially when you had no chance to say goodbye. Take care of yourself, look for the tiniest of good things in life, just now the daffodils are showing their first shoots in my garden, I also have my Christian faith and attend my church regularly and my dog comes with me and is very welcomed and receives a blessing at communion. I wish you all the best and would be nice to chat with you anytime.

Hi Sambenpyp,

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Thank you for your kind words. My garden has been my solace for the past few weeks and I am glad to see the signs of new life there.

Hello, how are you doing? Just thought I’d drop you a line to let you know I’m thinking of you. It’s nice and sunny here today. I live on the east coast of Scotland. I’m just about to go out with my dog, we go to the park then into town for coffee, there’s more dog friendly places now since lockdown. Take care. Susan.

Make the most of it lol. Snow forecast for next week and up there you usually get the brunt of it. Have a good day.

Hi Susan. Hope the snow hasn't hit you yet and you are keeping warm and well. You live in a lovely part of Scotland so the snow will only enhance the beauty if you get it. We have holidayed all over Scotland for the last 30 years so am quite fond of the country. We have quite a few dog friendly places around us, just as well as I have 4 granddogs and 2 grandcats amongst the family lol. Also I live very near our local park, handy for a quick walk when it's so cold. Take care and stay safe. Regards Janet.

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Thanks will be looking forward to chatting to like minded people.

Sorry for your loss. Yes it is strange doing things alone. Guess we may eventually get some sense of normality back. Lost my husband unexpectedly in November. It's still early days in getting used to the changes in our lives.

I lost my husband in October 21. It was very sudden and a great shock.I was with my husband when I was 15 and he was 16? We were married for 61 years. I've got 2 sons,5 grandchildren and 8 great grandchildren. My son's don't live too far away from me. I live in Chingford which is a suburb of London. You were very brave to go away on your own. I don't think I could. Do you have children
Would be nice to chat with you.
All the best
Leila

Hi Leila yes I have a son who lives about 10 miles away and two grandchildren 14 and 17 years.
We all used to have family holidays when they were a bit younger in Portugal but they are growing up now and the granddaughter is at college so has not got so much free time.
My late wife and I loved to travel and we took early retirement to visit some amazing places around the world which I miss. I still like to get away and feel being with people does help although dinning on your own not so good. Weather at the moment is not good so it's a bit restrictive but when it breaks I have my garden which will keep me busy and I love to walk. As I said I did get away for a 3 day break in Norfolk which was nice and walk by the sea was good
but very strange without my soulmate. I hope I can find a way to move on but know it will be difficult as we were together a lifetime .

John.

hi
yes it is the strange emptiness after being with someone for a lifetime I miss sitting down to breakfast in the mornings and having someone there in the evenings when your just watching tv, going out to dinner and so much more. They tell me life must go on but it's going to be a big adjustment. But it's good to chat to people who understand what it is to lose a partner.

John

getting used to the silence is awful John, don't know if we ever will. Life has to go on but in a different way I guess. Big adjustments to be made but we can do it. Take care. Janet.