Presence of Mind

Presence of Mind

I had a strange feeling, a shivery sense that she was watching, overseeing everything, from a discreet distance. I looked around at the faces of people standing near. No one knew, no one, except me, I think. In that moment, I could feel her presence, something fleeting, something untouchable, something on the edge of everything that seemed real. Was it real? It felt real, and I knew I wanted it to be so. My mind was over flowing with thoughts. I knew what she would be thinking, what would be filling her mind. She knew us and she loved us. I knew her, and I loved her. She is here.

I am the reason for all their pain and sadness. I didn’t want it to happen, but in the end, I was powerless to stop it. It all came to an end so quickly. No time to take my time. Well, that’s how it seemed now, looking back. But they weren’t ready. They thought they were, but of course, no one ever is. It will always be that way. Our overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss match completely.

Their heartbreak is unrelenting as they try and support and care for each other and seek the strength needed from their love.  Always trying to do and say the right thing. Sometimes succeeding, and sometimes not. Their pain is so raw. They loved and cherished and cared for me. I always knew that.  I felt it always and knew how blessed I was. Even though it was given to me freely and unconditionally, I never ever took it for granted. I tried my very best to love and care and guide them. I made my plans and took decisions that I hoped would save them from the harsh and painful choices that would become necessary. How could I not? I had the strength, didn’t I? And while I still had it, I had to use it. They would, of course, have accepted the burden, but they did not deserve it, and I would not endow it.  I can only hope that they have enough strength to get them through each hour of every day, of every year that is now their future. Their future is together, but without me. My strength is now theirs. My love is now theirs. My memories are now their memories.

This day is my day. They have everything prepared for me. They have carried out my wishes and I am grateful, and I am so very proud, as I knew the task would be painfully hard. I have my peace. But they have not, not yet.  In time they will. They may never get over it, but they will accept it and adjustment will slowly follow. They will find the different way that lies ahead. I know they will never forget. Their memories will not fade. Their love will never diminish. My love is within them and around them for always.  They will find their peace, as I have found mine. I see them and I love them.

I turned slowly, and in that moment, she was gone. Was it real? Should I question it? Should I share it? Many more thoughts flitted through my mind as I looked around, searching, waiting, expecting. Then, there was a settled calm, a quiet stillness, or so it seemed to me. I closed my eyes and felt a soft and gentle breeze that lingered warmly across my face, and then slowly, very slowly, it drifted away and beyond. Gone. It was her. I knew her and I loved her.

© Karen Stoker – July 2017