Diary of a self-isolator – Week 6

A lighthearted look at the situation, please don’t take it too seriously.

Sunday 19/04/2020 – Day 35

Finally reached the end of week 5 today, I’ve been wondering where all my time has gone in the past five weeks, the days seem to have flown past, so I decided to take a look back through my diary. When I first started boring you all with this missive from hell. Mrs H determined to take advantage of the situation had hastily scribbled a list of jobs to be done in the coming weeks. Since then I have worked – nay plowed – my way through this list, with Mrs H proudly ticking off all the jobs completed along the way.

But – and here’s the problem – this list,  like Pinocchio’s nose keeps growing and seems to be getting longer by the day, I approached Mrs H  (cautiously I hasten to add) about the list and she replied ‘Don’t be silly, that’s the original list, it’s just you getting forgetful’ (that old chestnut has popped up a lot lately). then I remembered a trick that my mean old Dad would do, when we had a pop delivery from Corona – blimey, I’m almost frightened to type that word, how things change – he would have a drink and then mark the label at the level he had reached so none of us brats could take a quick swig, yes I know mean old sod! Anyway I digress, back to that list, I decided to put another marker on  the list, sure enough there were a couple of items added a week later, but it must have been that other unseen unknown person who lives here as Mrs H totally denied all knowledge.

A bit like the mystery of the disappearing Liquorice Allsorts which came in our shopping last week, These, next to buttermints are my favourite, Mrs H only likes the round coconut ones so being a loving husband I never touch those, But the ones I do like also started disappearing fast during the day, we were sat on the patio with the bag in front of us – there were only a few left as the unknown person had obviously helped themselves – I went down the garden, came back and there were just two left, I asked Mrs H what had happened to the rest ‘I haven’t had them, I don’t even like them’ came the reply, beam me up Scotty!

Anyway, the upshot is that today I am starting work on what has now become our second Summer house, I built this one about 20 years ago or more, My dear son Mark was at home at the time, he – being a builder- kept bringing loads of stuff like timber and bricks back home, because he is just like me and can’t stand to throw anything away, I kept warning him that if he didn’t move it then I would use it, and that is where I got my timber, it was never intended to be a Summer house it was always open to the elements but has since evolved into a solid wooden structure with walls, Mrs H has decided that this will now become the ‘tea room’, so, we now have a social area (patio) rest room (Summer house 1) sunbed area (patio area 2) and a nice grassed area for ‘picnicking?’ (even I had to question the logic of that one when the house is ten yards away) plus there are numerous seating areas placed strategically around the ever – decreasing space.

The latest con trick from Mrs H is that she herself has become an avid fan of this weekly drivel I call my Diary, but not being content with just reading she has turned it to her advantage, for example, ‘Why don’t you paint the garden wall today darling, it could be another story for your diary’ Mrs H thinks I came down in the last shower, so it has now become an affectionate battle of wits between us.

There was some heartening news from Downing street at last, the number of deaths in the UK in the last 24hours had dropped considerably to 596, don’t get me wrong, this is still 596 deaths too many, but at least the numbers are going the right way – fingers crossed.

Monday 20/04/2020 – Day 36

Well here we are at the start of week 6, I have to say that Mrs H and I are really getting along well, we sit and talk for ages, sadly we still haven’t reached the end of all my faults over the last 50 odd years, but hey, I still have another 6 weeks furlough left (sigh).

This morning I threw open the curtains with great gusto drawing a withering look from the half asleep Mrs H, but I wasn’t to be thwarted, it was 6.30 am, the sun was shining and the dawn chorus was exactly that – with lots of our feathered friends chirping merrily away. Yet, as I looked down at our drive my heart sank like a bottle of sherry at an alcoholics convention. We have a gravel drive and it was actually turning green before my eyes! There were so many weeds and lumps of grass growing through it that the postman had to use a machete to cut a track to my front door – well, perhaps it wasn’t quite that bad – but it was definitely green.

So, that was my first job of the day, I armed myself with a padded kneeler (highly recommended on a gravel drive) and one of those hooked scraper things, At this point Mrs H would have just got the hoe out and chopped the heads of all the unwanted growth, but I was always taught that if you didn’t remove the root then it would grow back, hence the two hours of backbreaking work! Whilst breaking my back my mind was wandering, I had got bare patches in my own lawn that I’d spent half the national debt on just trying to get grass to grow to no avail, and yet here it was growing beautifully through the gravel on a surface we are forever driving over!. As I pulled out yet more weeds another mystery of life came to me  – why, when you have only one cup of tea during the evening – do you visit the loo at least three times in the night?, and yet, if I drink copious amounts of alcohol I don’t go to the bathroom once!

More heartening news at 5.00pm, the number of deaths in the UK has once again dropped, although a further 449 poor souls have lost their lives it is half of the numbers being reported a week ago. To me, that is 450 families who aren’t mourning loved ones.  Dare we hope?

Tuesday 21/04/2020 – Day 37

I went to the loo at 4.30 am this morning and was about to get back into bed when Mrs H shot bolt upright yelling ‘Oh my God’, “What on earth’s the matter?” I asked, trying to stop the incessant beating of my heart, “Did you turn the water off on the sprinkler?” she said. With a quick ‘Oh xxxx’, I donned my dressing gown and Guinness slippers and shot downstairs to turn off the tap. Go back 12 hours to the previous day and clever old me thought that – as it had been so sunny I would put the oscillating sprinkler on the new laid grass, then I went indoors, watched the five o clock update from Downing street, watched the news and had a few hours on the laptop, then it was off to bed, I have to point out that the sprinkler had already been on seven long hours at this point and it was a further five and a half hours before Mrs H woke me. It was pitch black and there was absolutely no way I was going down to the bottom of the garden squishing slugs in my best slippers to assess the damage.

But I never went back to bed either! I sat at my laptop and in the silence of dawn I watched the sun rise – at this point I am very tempted to add – as a man, hence:

‘We sat on the sand, and the boy took her hand
But I saw the sun rise as a man

However, those are the lyrics from a Bobby Goldsboro song called Summer (the first time) and I cannot be accused of plagiarism. This of course took my mind back to 1973, the year Mrs H and myself tied the knot, the No1 in the charts on our wedding day (21^st July) was ‘Welcome Home’ by Peters and Lee, if you recall Lennie Peters was blind, the couple had appeared on Opportunity Knocks with a record breaking seven week win on the show, Lennie died in 1992 from bone cancer, but my point is Mrs H cannot stand the song, does it evoke too many bad memories? I’ve never been brave enough to ask lol!

Once again the number of deaths goes up at an alarming rate, 823 sadly lost their lives in the last 24 hours, Is it ever going to be safe to step outside our homes again?

Wednesday 22/04/2020 – Day 38

Today my Grandson Mason Marshall is 17 years old, it is a real shame that we can’t be with him, but there are hundreds of thousands making worse sacrifices and Mason appreciates that.

I’m reading back through the last two days and I’m thinking to myself that I haven’t been really honest with you about Mrs H, in fact I have got her coming across as a bit of a dragon. Well, nothing could be further from the truth (her mother got that award, oops) she is a beautiful, loving and caring person whom I loved so much that I married her twice, the second time was our 40^th anniversary, Get your head around that one then lads, so no, she is not the ogress I make her out to be. (she’s going to pay me for writing this later).

Bin day today, I’m so excited, it’s been nearly two weeks since I went out to the pavement – I can’t make up my mind what to wear!

Spending the day finishing off the old Summer house, it’s one of those never ending jobs but I’ve been putting it off for at least two years for exactly that reason, as with most jobs – towards the end there are lots of fiddly little things to do, lots of bits of painting and filling etc.  Have you ever had a builder who is great at first, the job goes really well and then it comes to the end, and he has to do all those finishing jobs, this is known in the trade as a ‘snagging list’ and this is where most builders let themselves down.

There aren’t too many who are good at snagging, they can’t be doing with hours of mundane little jobs, so that normally means a labourer being left on site to do it, and no offence to labourers but they are not skilled men, hence their job description.

It is now 4.00pm and I have just officially handed the Summer  House 2 over to Mrs H, she will now give it a good clean  (yes, I know I’m a dirty old git!) and work her magic, I daresay pictures will follow, my problem is – what am I going to do tomorrow, where is my next job coming from! I await instructions from she who must be obeyed.

Meanwhile, I was really brave before my shower this evening, I dragged out the scales and weighed myself, well, Mrs H must have been right all these years, she said they were broken! Suffice to say that if they want anyone to play Fatty Arbuckle in his autobiography then I’m free! I’ve put on so much weight, even the fridge has started to say to me ‘what the hell do you want now?’

Mason has had a great day under the circumstances, lots of people sent him videos of themselves doing silly things, he had lots of money and among other things a brand new phone, a lovely chap called Andy Leake (no he’s not a plumber) from a few doors away played a fantastic version of Happy Birthday on an electric guitar, followed by the Wolves anthem.

Todays death rate has fallen slightly and is down to 763, but those idiot reporters asking questions on the 5.00pm Downing street briefing keep asking the same old questions, The main one being ‘when will the lockdown be lifted? Why can’t you give us a time estimate’, why can’t these fools just realise that it’s no good going through weeks of self-isolation just to throw it all away.

Thursday 23/04/2020 – Day 39

Lay in bed this morning at 5.30am thinking it was just like being sixteen years old again – I can’t legally buy alcohol, petrol’s dirt cheap and I’ve been grounded!

With that thought rolling around in my otherwise empty head I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, I settle down with my four Weetabix (I bet I could eat three Shredded wheat – if it didn’t resemble a bale of hay) and a cup of Twynings breakfast tea, that’s always flummoxed me, if they make breakfast tea, why isn’t there an afternoon tea or an evening tea? Just asking.

I switch on the TV to find out what the latest whinge is from Piers Morgan, well, the lad hasn’t just got a shovel, he’s got a JCB digger to dig his hole even deeper, it started last week when he was accused of ‘bullying’  care minister Helen Whately after ripping into her about the many deaths in care homes. Some say he was right to ask the question, but others – 2000 – of them complained to Ofcom, this was his response, he tweeted;

“Apparently nearly 2000 people have now complained to @Ofcom about me grilling Care minister Helen Whateley too ‘unfairly’ when she couldn’t answer even basic questions.

“If you think I should continue grilling ministers in the way I’ve been doing, please tell @OFCOM. Thanks.”

Oh dear, talk about shooting yourself in the foot Mr Morgan, there will be questions.

Had a nice lazy day doing odds and ends and went inside for the daily briefing at 5.00pm, switched on the TV in the backroom and -nothing, just a blank screen saying ‘no signal’, So, into the lounge same again – No Signal, Upstairs to the TV we were watching last night and guess what – no signal! My mundane little mind was thinking by this time ‘ well I’ll just have bloody Colgate then’, ( you have to be a certain age to understand that one) strange the things that go through your head when stressed.

So we sat and watched last years series of Peaky Blinders, as I was mumbling incoherently about strings of satellites in the sky for the last three nights and we couldn’t even get one.

Bit of a blessing really, this meant no more Eastenders, no more Corry and no more Emmerdale, ‘We’re in a soap free zone’ I announced triumphantly.

Mrs H replied sarcastically ‘I thought you were starting to whiff a bit’ I suspect the good lady is slightly miffed at my joy.

And anyway, I’d forgotten what happened in Peaky Blinders

There were absolutely millions joined in the 8.00pm Thursday clap for the NHS and all key workers. It seems to be getting better every week, nice to see everyone appreciating them. Even Prince William and his family pictured outside their front door clapping and each of them dressed in blue to show their support, these are the little things that will make a future King great.

Really good news just in, Tom Moore the 99 year old veteran who has been walking in his garden to raise funds has now got to No1 in the British charts, with a little help from Michael Ball they have recorded the old Carousel film classic ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, Tom is the oldest man ever to get to No1, the previous record holder was Tom Jones who wished the new Tom all the best and praised him -saying he couldn’t have lost his record to a better man. The veterans walk and single have to date raised a staggering £30million for the NHS and there are now calls for him to be knighted, His 100^th birthday is one week today on the 30th April.

A further 639 people have died in the last 24 hours bringing the total to 18738, this doesn’t include care homes.

Friday 24/04/2020 – Day 40

Here we are on day 40, didn’t Jesus spend 40  days in the wilderness being tempted by the Devil? I am easily satisfied, I am tempted by Buttermints and Liquorice allsorts and if old Nick had offered me these then I would have been a convert.

Still no TV but I gleaned this from my computer

As I said yesterday re– Piers Morgan there would be repercussions, and sure enough, It turns out that the watchdog struggled to cope with being bombarded, issuing a rare public plea to Piers to make the messages and calls stop.They wrote: “Dear Piers, We’re usually happy with you keeping us busy. But right now we’re struggling to keep up after you asked your followers to contact us.

“This means we may fail to help the people that need us most – such as the vulnerable or elderly.

“So, could you please help us out and go easy on the mentions? Any help appreciated.”

Piers replied: “My apologies… I underestimated the scale of public support.” Yeah, I’ll bet, I always thought he and Katie Hopkins would make a nice married couple lol

Tidied my Garage cum workshop out today, the dustbin is now full and it’s another ten days before they empty it again, Mrs H is not best pleased to say the least, I think I may have to ‘retrieve’ some of my rubbish and bag it up.

Had some fruit teacakes from Tesco’s for a snack this afternoon, they were obviously practising social distancing (the tea cakes not Tesco’s) because there was only 3 currants and 1 sultana in them, that is true lol! They must have a really good baker at our store, it takes great skill and dexterity to actually make a teacake with it’s only 4 pieces of fruit showing on the outside, Mrs H said, perhaps he makes it then presses the fruit in the teacake after, it doesn’t bear thinking about!

Had to give in on the TV thing and finally phoned a local Aerial/satellite engineer, a very nice young man answered my call , during the phone call he went to great lengths to assure me that wore protective PPE equipment and that they practised social distancing, I thought, well, you couldn’t get more socially distant than being on a roof could you lol. The upshot is that the chap is coming round tomorrow to have a look. Then a thought entered my head, what if my elderly neighbours look out their windows and see someone resembling a spaceman on my roof – the mind boggles!

There were a further 684 deaths in the last 24 hours, every time you think the situation is improving it comes back to bite you, the Government are now promising that testing kits will be available by post and there are mobile test stations being set up all over the country, no news about Boris yet, but there are rumours saying he is returning to his post next week.

Saturday 25/04/2020 – Day 41

It’s the start of the weekend, not that you’d notice, every day blends into another at the moment, it’ll be nice when we will look forward to the weekends again, going out for lunch and a pint, happy days seem that seem such a long time away.

I have cut my new lawns today, two weeks after I laid them, in all fairness the turf company kindly told me by e mail that it was time.

The Aerial man came, apparently I had a lot of water in the workings of my satellite box, so I had to have a new dish, the young man did a great job and was finished after a couple of hours in the blazing sun, I decided I wouldn’t charge him for the free sun tan he got whilst working on my property.

According to the latest on facebook, 80% of Blondes will disappear over the next 5 weeks, I wonder where they’re going lol!

Two hours after the Aerial man left the window cleaner turned up, he has one of those new fangled window washers that can reach up to 4 storey blocks, gone are the days of the window cleaner with a set of ladders, a woodbine in his mouth, a bucket of dirty soapy water in his hand and a shammy in his pocket, it is all hi tech and chemicals today. Mind you, he does a lovely job.

Well, I’ve been really busy, and, as we come to the end of our six weeks, I’m thinking I’ll be glad to get back to work for a rest.

Sad news to end the week on, the number of deaths rose sharply again today, 813 people lost their lives bringing the total of UK deaths to 20319, I hope and pray that the coming week will be better for families who are affected.

Ps, Don’t forget Tom Moore’s 100^th birthday on Thursday 30^th April xx

I’ll be back next week – God willing.