Diary of a self-isolator week 55

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 28/03/2021 – Day 381

The family crisis continues but I will continue to attempt to cheer you all up and of course myself and Mrs H.

After a four week wait my windows and doors for the Garden room finally arrived yesterday at 5.30pm. We had a call from the company on Friday giving us a rough time of between 4.00pm and 6.00pm so that was fine. What they failed to tell us was that they were sending the most miserable git they could find to deliver them.

We watched him from the comfort of our lounge as he got his more than ample frame out of the cab of the large white van, (Had we come across the original neanderthal white van man?) the poor sod struggled to pull the blind up on the back, he eventually disappeared into the back, I went around the side of the house to unlock the side gate, and I waited, and waited and waited. What you should know at this stage is that when our side gate is open you are virtually stood in a wind tunnel, the wind that day was very cold, so after watching the van swaying from side to side (no dear reader, it wasn’t the wind, just the chaps weight) I thought I would retreat to the comfort of my lounge once more.

Sure enough as soon as I got there the chap came out of the back carrying the smallest window. I went out to him as he handed me the window and the following conversation took place.

Him,     Where do you want this?

Me.      Yes good afternoon (sarcastically) could you put it just through the gate

please. I’m surprised they haven’t sent someone with you. I have been

self-isolating for over 12 months.

Him.     (sarcastically) This is supposed to be a kerbside delivery!

Me.      I wasn’t told that, what exactly constitutes a kerbside delivery? Does this

That you are going to remove my goods and dump them in the kerb?

Him.     It means that I am not allowed on your property, but I am going to need a

lift with the French doors, they’re really heavy.

Me.      Who helped you lift them on?

Him.     A chap at the depot

Me.      Then you had better get him here, I am not insured to get in the back of your

van!

Him.     (sarcastically) Did you not read the paperwork? It said kerbside delivery.

He shoved the frame he was holding towards me and I caught a whiff of fish and chips, cigarettes, and body odour. I resisted asking him if he would like a shower while he was waiting. So I had to carry everything from the van to the side of the house as he the  Eddie Large lookalike handed them to me. Even then he was sweating profusely, then it came to the French windows, We finally agreed that if I helped him get them off the van then he would help me carry them to the side of the house. He grunted like a pig, struggling as I picked up one end with ease and we carried the frame to its place.

Him.    That’s it, you should have everything.

Me.      It is normal for me to tip a delivery man at least a tenner.

This is where his little red chubby face lit up in expectation and he grinned for the first time since he arrived.

Me.      But of course, since I have done most of the work I think I’ll keep it myself.

I smugly shut the gate with the word b——d ringing in my ears, and me feeling a bit like Victor Meldrew. Within minutes all my clothes were in the wash bin and I was in the shower thinking to myself – no wonder this country is going to the dogs!

A new low of 3862 cases today, the lowest for a long time, the number of deaths were also very low at 19.

Monday 29/03/2021 – Day 382

We had a bit of good news today, hopefully things will improve for us.

I woke this morning with my big toe throbbing and pulsating, it seems I have contracted a touch of arthritis in it. This all stemmed from three years ago when I was fitting our new kitchen. It is drummed into us at work that we must wear steel toe cap boots at all times, in fact you are not allowed in the warehouse without them, but of course, this doesn’t apply at home does it. So, I put this large cupboard door down at the side of me while I adjusted another door. Can you recall those paper cutting guillotines at school? Well this cupboard door dropped just like that on my big toe!

I hopped around the kitchen a bit, the air was blue to say the least, Mrs H was out shopping and thankfully, I was all alone. I sat down for ten minutes and then got on with the job, the toe – as you would expect – was very sore. I went to work the next day limping like Tiny Tim. I got the usual barrage that you would expect from colleagues as I explained what I had done.

That was on the Monday and I hopped around like the Easter bunny until Thursday when the pain was so bad that I had to sit on the tills for a couple of days. (Not literally you understand) On the Saturday the pain was excruciating, so I had no choice but to go to the local hospital. After having it x-rayed I was informed that I had actually snapped my big toe in half. An emergency appointment was made for me to visit a specialist at Redditch hospital on the Monday. Meanwhile the nurse strapped my big toe to its neighbour. I went home and continued the work on the kitchen with Mrs H giving the occasional ‘Tut’ because I wasn’t resting.

Having hotfooted it to Redditch on the Monday I saw the specialist – a lovely Chinese chap called Michael, first thing he said as I took my sock off was ‘Who on earth has done that?’, I meekly replied ‘Well it was me, I dropped a cupboard door on it’,

‘Not that’ he said staring down at my big toe leaning badly to the left, (My toe not the specialist) ‘Who strapped it up?’.

Apparently, by strapping the big toe to its neighbour they had opened up the crack between the top half of the toe and the bottom half.

‘I’m sure I saw him smile as he said ‘I’m going to have to straighten it up if it’s going to heal, and I’m sorry but it is really going to hurt’.

The words ‘Will it be like a Chinese breakaway’ had hardly left my lips when I felt the most excruciating pain ever – as he grabbed the toe and wrenched it back into line.

Resisting the temptation to shove my good foot where he would need an operation to move it, I sat gasping for breath as he said ‘Of course if that hasn’t worked then I will need to freeze your foot and have another go at it’

I hobbled off for an Xray which fortunately showed that the Chinese burning on my toe had worked.

Next I was sent to a big woman with muscles in her spit to have a ‘boot’ fitted, this is of course no ordinary boot – no – this boot lifts you by three inches, but just on the one side!

Anyway I digress – the large lady decided that my new boot was going to fit come hail or shine, so – using the throbbing toe as a lever she pushed it back toward the heel with the force of a hurricane!

As I peeled myself off the ceiling for the second time that morning she calmly pushed a crutch under my other arm to level me up!

Never was I so glad to get out of that Hammer house of horrors, and just to put the icing on the cake we had to pay over five pounds in the Car Park!

To say I’ve had better days would be an understatement!

Once again the number of deaths are thankfully low at 22, New cases saw a rise to 4654 though.

Tuesday 30/03/2021 – Day 383

Things are much the same with our family crisis, It was a lovely sunny day as I woke around 6’30 so after my four Weetabix I took Mrs H her cup of Latte up and decided to get dressed and get out to the Garden room to remove those damn covers from the doorways and windows at last. I needed to get those doors and windows in which had arrived last Saturday.

By twelve midday I had got the large window in and all was going really well, but I kept looking at those French doors, I wasn’t looking forward to putting those in. The overweight slob who had struggled to help me carry them was swapped for my red-haired petite wife – who handled them with no problem, after a few little mishaps and a lot of help from Mrs H I was getting ready to glaze them, what a really good day, just one more door and a window and I’d be finished, but by 5,00pm I’d had enough, the rest could wait until tomorrow.

Back in the sixties were you a mod or a rocker, when I was at secondary school you either liked the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, you couldn’t openly like both, though I suspect that many secretly did. This would define who you were, on this day in 1964 the seaside holiday resort of Clacton was the scene of pitched battles by rival gangs of ‘mods’ and ‘rockers’. People fled for their lives from hundreds of youths using anything as a weapon to decimate the opposition. Even the seagulls fled the carnage, police were helpless at the time, but after weekends of violence and destruction they eventually got organised and stopped the gangs on the motorways.

Also, on this day in 1974 Red Rum won the Grand National at Aintree for the second year running.

On this day in 1987 The picture ‘Sunflowers’, painted by Vincent van Gogh was sold at auction by Christie’s for £24,750,000.

Sadly, on this day in 2002 Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, (born August 4th 1900), died peacefully in her sleep, aged 101.

There were 4040 new cases registered today with 56 more deaths reported.

Wednesday 31/03/2021 – Day 384

Our situation is ongoing but there are improvements happening as I type. Put myself on the scales this morning before I got dressed. I was a little worried as I had gained quite a few pounds over Christmas, in fact it’s truthful to say that I was nearer to thirteen stone than I was to twelve. So, I jumped on the scales and they screamed in agony, actually; I weighed in at just under twelve stone, but my hair weighs ten pounds so I will deduct that. The blame for my hirsute head is squarely on the shoulders of Mrs H who – for over three weeks now – has been promising to cull the curly locks hanging down my neck. I even bought new trimming scissors along with a pair of thinning shears, she did do it once but that was over three months ago. From the front I actually don’t look too untidy – once you get past the ugly mug! But from the back I look like a caveman, I wouldn’t look out of place scrawling pictures of bears and sabre tooth tigers on a cave wall – now, where did I put that club – Mrs H I need you!

I have discovered today that poor Mrs H hurt her back yesterday whilst giving me a lift with those French doors, She seemed to have twisted her back as we carried it up the step into the room.

A few facts from this day in the past.

1912 Both the Oxford and the Cambridge boats sank in the annual university boat race. Two weeks later another boat called the Titanic did exactly the same.

1930 Scottish engineer John Logie Baird installed a TV set at 10 Downing Street, and we’ve been watching consistent repeats from there ever since.

1939 Britain and France agreed to support Poland if Germany threatened to invade, and just six months later they did just that, the rest as they say is history.

2013 Easter Sunday was confirmed as the coldest Easter day on record, with the lowest temperature recorded as -12.5C in Braemar, in the Scottish Highlands. Mm I wonder what the weather forecast is for this coming weekend.

I am desperate for chocolate! We did our shopping last Friday and ordered Easter eggs for our Grandchildren, according to Tesco, we were entitled to a free egg, now I knew it wasn’t going to be anything elaborate or costly, but I didn’t even get my free egg, that is like taking bottle away from a new- born baby half way through, I am desperate for chocolate!

Tried to give George a ring but no answer, then I realised that the rules had been relaxed, he and Rose were probably catching up with their son Michael.

There were a further 4052 new cases today, while the number of deaths registered was 43.

Thursday 01/04/2021 – Day 385

Thankfully, things continue to improve, but there is a long way to go yet.

Well, here we are for the second time in my diary, celebrating April 1^st. There are lots of different stories and theories surrounding its history, but one of the most popular takes us back to medieval times when Pope Gregory XIII ordered a new calendar (the Gregorian calendar) to replace the old Julian Calendar, in 1582. The new calendar called for New Year’s Day to be celebrated on 1 January, when previously it was marked between 25th March and 1st April.

But there were many people who either refused to accept the new date or didn’t hear about it and they continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on 1 April. It wasn’t long before these traditionalists became the butt of jokes and people would tease them by calling them fools for believing that the year started on 1 April. This eventually led to the custom of April Fool’s Day, and it became acceptable to play a prank on others in the name of fun.

Here in the UK, the first British reference to April Fools’ Day was in 1698 when an article was written about people being tricked into going to the Tower of London to see the lions being washed. This has now grown into a big thing with the media especially – looking for new ways to fool their readers or viewers, it has to be done before midday to be genuine.

Of course the most famous and elaborate hoax came courtesy of the BBC in 1957 , the BBC broadcast a film that showed Swiss farmers picking freshly grown spaghetti, in what they called the ‘Swiss Spaghetti Harvest’. The BBC was later flooded with requests to purchase a spaghetti plant, forcing them to declare the film a hoax on the news the next day.

On April Fools’ Day, 1976, the BBC convinced many listeners that a special alignment of the planets would temporarily decrease gravity on Earth. Phone lines were flooded with callers who claimed they felt the effects.

In 2008, BBC again telecasted news saying penguins in Antarctica started flying. It’s not just that! It stated that those penguins had flown to South America’s tropical rainforests. Dear BBC, we love your sense of humour!

Mrs H continues to suffer with her back, the poor lady is now having to take Ibuprofen, but alas, they don’t seem to be working.

I ordered some stuff off the internet last month and it still hasn’t arrived, seems it was en-route via the Suez canal on a ship called the Evergreen, some of the excuses these companies make up eh!

There was a further 51 deaths registered today with another 4473 reported new cases.

Friday 02/04/2021 – Day 386

Things continue in the same vein for our predicament, but as I said earlier, there is some improvement.

Well, they told us that the weather was going to change, but after a cold start this morning it has been a really beautiful Spring day. The Garden room is now coming to completion and Mrs H has already started to order lots of little things to place around the room. Considering it only started as a request for a ‘canopy’ to keep the rain off, the structure has come on in leaps and bounds and dare I say it – I am quite proud of my achievement.

Today of course is Good Friday, So, despite its name, Good Friday is a day for sombre reflection. Each Friday before Easter, Christians solemnly honour the way Jesus suffered and died for their sins. They might attend a service that recounts Jesus’s painful crucifixion, and some even refrain from eating to show their sorrow. Some Christian followers impose the meat ban for every day of the 40 days of Lent which lead up to Easter. As an alternative, many opt for fish, which is permitted for consumption on Good Friday as it is seen as an alternative form of flesh.

Meanwhile, back in time on this day in

1877 The first Human Cannonball Act was performed at London’s Amphitheatre when acrobat Lady Zazal, attached by elastic springs, was fired into a safety net. Trouble was it didn’t really count as she kept being pulled back in, hence the expression, ‘Their relationship’s on an elastic band, they keep springing back together’.

1940 The birth of actress Penelope Keith. She became a household name in the 1970s when she played Margo Leadbetter in the sitcom The Good Life. She was also the lead character in another BBC sitcom, To the Manor Born, a show that received audiences of more than 20 million.

1982 Argentina invaded the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic, a British possession for 149 years. The British government dispatched a naval task force to engage the Argentine Navy and Air Force. The resulting conflict lasted 74 days and ended with the Argentine surrender on 14th June 1982, which returned the islands to British control. During the Falklands conflict the Royal Navy requisitioned more vessels registered in Hull than from any other British port.

And finally, in 2007 A smoking ban came into force in Wales, making it illegal for anyone to smoke in an enclosed public place and within the workplace.

George decided to phone me this morning after I had made several attempts to contact him this week. After the usual greetings he had a tale of woe for me;

“So, I woke up and Mad Max (his black Labrador cross, what it is crossed with has never been discovered, but I suspect it was a Yeti) is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty. My neighbour’s kids raise blue ribbon rabbits and I instantly knew it was one of theirs.

Well naturally, I panicked and snatched the rabbit away from the dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbours could come home. It was stiff but I’ve heard David Attenborough say that some animals play dead when they’re afraid, but my memories not too good so I couldn’t remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home.

It was about 30 minutes later I hear my neighbours screaming so I go out, pop my head over the fence and ask them what’s wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it’s back in the cage. Honestly Eric, I can’t do right for doing wrong, Rose is very upset with me.”

After I replaced the receiver I went and checked the calendar, Yes I was right, April the first had definitely passed us by.

Dear Mrs H continues to suffer with a bad back, I am feeling really guilty after making her lug those French doors.

New cases today were at their lowest for over a week, there were 3402 cases reported, the number of registered deaths were 52.

Saturday 03/04/2021 – Day 387

Our situation has improved over the week, but I am still unable to say any more at this point.

For the second week in a row I didn’t get my free Easter egg from Tesco’s. I would phone up and complain to the misers. but they would only apologise profusely and offer a refund of 50p which was the cost of the egg, but that’s not the point, this was my egg! And I am now off to throw all my toys out of the pram.

When we were young we had to rely on relatives to bring us an Easter egg, this was a rare event however, my mum could never afford to buy a dozen eggs let alone chocolate ones. But occasionally on Easter Sunday a kindly Aunt and Uncle would turn up clutching a large tin of biscuits, they obviously didn’t like the ever-growing gaps in some of our young mouths. Sometimes however, I would run an errand for a neighbour, my reward would be one of their children’s eggs – of which there were quite a few I hasten to add.

I remember some of the neighbour’s children playing that game that has been with us since time immemorial, it was called ‘hunt the egg’. The idea was that the dear parents would hide their darling little cherub’s egg in hideous places where children rarely went, places like the outside loo, the garden shed or even the attic. This served two purposes, 1, It kept them out of the way whilst preparations were made for lunch. 2. It made sure that their appetites weren’t spoiled for the aforementioned lunch. My Mum and dad were the utmost king and queen of this particular game, they must have been, because as I mentioned earlier, we never actually found any eggs!

The only other chance I had of ever getting my little mitts around one of those chocolate beauties was to go onto the stage at the Saturday morning Minors at the local ABC cinema. This would involve an excruciatingly embarrassing two and a half minutes while you attempted to screw yourself into the stage whilst trying to dance to Chubby Checker’s ‘The Twist’.  Who’s that, flyin up there? Is it a bird? Noooooo, Is it a plane? Noooooooo, Is it the twister? No, it’s some poor kid with holes in his shoes and no arse in his short trousers, showing his dirty knees to screaming kids and trying hard to win an Easter egg. And no dear reader, I never did win one. It was always the cute nine-year old girl with blonde hair and freckles (who probably already had a cupboard full of eggs at home) being wolf-whistled and cheered on by the many smelly lads in the audience.

On this day in 1993 The Grand National was declared void after a series of events at the start reduced the world-famous horse race to a shambles. 30 of the 39 riders failed to realise a false start had been called and set off around the racetrack, completing both laps of the course and passing the finish line before they realised their mistake.

Also. on this day in 2014 A 25 year old student was fined and given penalty points after he was caught driving a car with all 4 doors removed, along with the headlights, front and rear indicators, bonnet, grille, and rear brake lights which he had removed to sell on-line. He had been attempting to take the car to a recycling centre five miles from his home in Nottinghamshire, to sell for scrap. The good news is that he sold the car to a film company who were about to shoot a new feature length film of the Flintstones.

There was a further 3423 new cases yesterday bringing the weeks total to 27,911 which is 10,848 down on the previous week. The number of registered deaths was 10 bringing the total for the week to 253 which is 198 less than last week. A further 101,145 people recovered bringing the total recoveries to date to 3,888,455.

Well dear readers that’s it for another week, I sincerely hope that you are all well and keeping fit and healthy, have a great week and until next Sunday – stay safe.