Diary of a self-isolator – week 52

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 07/03/2021 – Day 359

Well, I woke up with a spring in my step this morning – probably because my foot had gone through the mattress! This of course is my final week of the first year of typing this drivel and putting you all through a lot of misery.

I’ve had some lovely comments about the new Bar, although it isn’t quite finished yet, we have to stock up with more alcohol. The bank balance and I just can’t keep up with Mrs H.

In 1876 The Scottish-born inventor, Alexander Graham Bell, patented the telephone. Bell’s father, grandfather, and brother had all been associated with work on elocution and speech, and both his mother and wife were deaf; factors that profoundly influenced Bell’s life’s work. Ironically, Bell considered the telephone an intrusion on his real work as a scientist, it was far too easy for his wife to get  hold of him and he refused to have a telephone in his study just after his Mother and wife discovered his number.

But it would be on this day in 1926 before the first transatlantic telephone call was made, from London to New York.

Also on this day in 1946 Doctors mounted a campaign to oppose the introduction of a National Health Service. Between 1946 and its introduction in 1948, the British Medical Association (BMA) mounted a vigorous campaign against this proposed legislation. In one survey of doctors carried out in 1948, the BMA claimed that only 4,734 doctors out of the 45,148 polled, were in favour of a National Health Service. That was a massive ten to one against the scheme, they feared that they would lose income, and they would become pawns of the Government, a compromise was done by allowing doctors surgeries and practises to remain private.

1968 The first news programme in colour was broadcast on BBC2. But we have to go back quite a bit earlier to find the first programme, sometime between 1946 and 1950, the research staff of RCA Laboratories invented the world’s first electronic, colour television system. A successful colour television system based on a system designed by RCA began commercial broadcasting on December 17, 1953. BBC2 broadcast its first colour pictures from Wimbledon in 1967. By mid-1968, nearly every BBC2 programme was in colour. Six months later, colour came to BBC1. By 1969, BBC1 and ITV were regularly broadcasting in colour. BBC 2 viewers were really relieved when BBC 2 broadcast snooker in colour, not to mention the presenters!

Every time I get something stuck in my throat I drink a bottle of beer to dislodge it – I call it the Heineken manouvre.

There were 5177 new cases reported today, there were also 82 registered deaths, but figures are always low on a Sunday.

Monday 08/03/2021 – Day 360

As we continue the countdown to day 365, I was awoken this morning not by the alarm clock but by a massive sigh of millions of mothers as their little honey monsters returned to school for the first time in over12 weeks, of course it must be said that there are also millions of children whooping with joy that they’ll see their long lost friends again. Some worldly wise parents sent their kids back last Monday, the kids protested that they weren’t due back for another week, but as the canny parents kissed them goodbye with a big smile they just told them to walk very slowly!

I was a tad annoyed as I watched Boris on the 4.00pm update today, one of the early questions was ‘Did they expect a slight surge in new cases as schools re-opened ‘, of course, they did was the answer, but hopefully, most of the top four groups had been vaccinated anyway, then the next idiot Robert Preston asked immediately ‘ ‘Would the Government now reconsider speeding up the back to normal process as recent results are a lot better than first expected’, I mean, is it me? That man is the Political correspondent for ITV, and yet he doesn’t seem to listen. Another complete moron from the Sun newspaper wanted Boris to answer a question about whether or not he thought the Royal Family were racist, what is wrong with these people? No wonder our country is in such a mess, sorry but it really infuriates me that we have to listen to such garbage, I mean, you only have to read my blog, can you imagine me being let loose on the box? No, I didn’t think so.

Today dear reader it is National Women’s Day, Women from every corner of the globe come together on March 8, which is also a call to action for accelerating gender parity. Every year, this day is celebrated with a theme. The theme for this year’s International Women’s Day is “Choose to Challenge”. I posted a poem on my site which I wrote a while back, it was about Edith Cavell a first World war nurse who really was a heroine when she secretly helped over 200 soldiers back home, sadly, she was caught and executed by the Germans, that, to me is what this day should be all about, if my mother in law was still here she would claim it about her!

Today is also Commonwealth day, which is not celebrated as much as it was back in the days when it was called Empire Day.

Today’s new case numbers were 4712 while the number of deaths also went down to 65.

Tuesday 09/03/2021 – Day 361

I usually start the day with good Intentions – then I get out of bed, and that’s where it all usually starts to go wrong.

I have some bad news, I’ve not been feeling my best over the last few days I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and I’m staying in. Mrs H has only gone and poisoned me, thanks to her lack of cooking skills. What she thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. The good news is that they said I should be out in early spring.

Well, what a debacle over the last two days and especially last night, I refer to of course – the interview – Mrs H made me sit through two agonising hours of Meghan and Harry (or Has as Meghan prefers to call him). I have no idea why they wanted to share their past lives with the world, or why they chose Old Oprah to do the interview, (except for the fact that she was invited to the wedding of course), While I have every sympathy for them both I fail to comprehend why they should make such racist allegations against the Royal family, they had absolutely nothing to offer to substantiate the very harmful words that they spoke about the conversations had about the colour of the babies skin, neither did they have any proof that it was indeed Kate who made Megan cry and not the other way around. Thankfully, they were quick to announce that the ‘colour’ conversation had nothing to do with his Grandfather or Grandmother, but that was after the show had gone out in the USA. That was the only time his Grandfather was mentioned, with the exception of a sort of matter of fact bit of editing at the end. In my humble opinion they did themselves no favours, they need to go away quietly now and let the wounds of those over there and those over here just heal. Nuff said!

Talking of sensationalism, I couldn’t believe it when I read this on today in history, on this day in 1946  33 fans were killed and hundreds injured when a barrier collapsed at the Bolton Wanderers’ football ground. The dead and injured were taken from the stand, with those who had perished, they were then laid along the touchline and covered in coats. Incredibly, a little under half an hour after leaving the pitch, the game was restarted, with a new sawdust lined touchline separating the players from the bodies. It was the deadliest football stadium-related disaster in British history until the Ibrox Park disaster in 1971. I just cannot believe that the match was continued whilst the dead were lay down a few feet from the touchline!

I’ve always been a supporter of bringing National service back, but I have never supported the premise of capitol punishment, one of the reasons is that on this day back in 1950 Timothy Evans was hanged for the murder of his wife. Three years later John Christie admitted killing her and several other women, and that dear reader is why I won’t condone hanging, just my opinion of course.

The number of new cases didn’t surge today as they are normally expected to do after the weekend, there was a slight rise up to 5766, the number of registered deaths rose to 231, high but only half the number of 2 weeks ago.

Wednesday 10/03/2021 – Day 363

With just 2 more days to go I am wondering how to celebrate my first year in captivity, I can’t go out for a meal or a drink to celebrate, I have no idea if Mrs H has baked me a cake – but I’m hoping not – and I can’t even shake a congratulatory hand! So, as Phil Collin’s once said “It’s Just another day in paradise.”

It seems that my old adversary Piers Morgan went a step too far yesterday on TV, The presenter made dismissive comments about Meghan’s claims to have had issues with her mental health during the show. I have never hidden the fact that I don’t like Morgan, he is a bully and a loudmouth, but worse still – he is never wrong in his eyes.

The watchdog received more than 41,000 complaints about his remarks on Monday during ITV’s Good Morning Britain. His comments were criticised by the mental health charity Mind. The upshot is that the bigoted monster is now on the transfer list and available for other TV companies to take up the reins. I reckon I ought to e mail him and let him know that there’s an opening for a TV presenter in Nauru which is the worlds third smallest country with a population of just 10,000, he couldn’t upset many of them surely? No, wait a minute, breaking news, the vacancy has been successfully filled by some chap called Trump, but have no fear Mr Morgan, the way things are going, you could be the first TV presenter on the moon!

Unlike Piers Morgan, I have to say, I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not – except sober, I’ve pretended to be sober a few times when I’m not.

Bit of Pop history for you now, on this day in 1967 Singer Sandy Shaw released her record ‘Puppet on a String’ which won the Eurovision Song Contest for Britain. But the truth was that she absolutely hated that song, even though it gave her a No1 smash. She had to sing all six entries on Rolf Harris’s show, then the public would vote. Of the songs performed, “Puppet on a String” was her least favourite. In her own words, “I hated it from the very first oompah to the final bang on the big bass drum. I was instinctively repelled by its sexist drivel and cuckoo-clock tune.” She was disappointed when it was selected as the song she would use to represent the country, She had to be convinced by Adam Faith (the man who discovered her) to  actually go to the contest.

Also on this day in 1997 The Spice Girls made pop music history by becoming the first group to top the charts with every one of their first four singles. The run was only interrupted by a re-entry of another earlier song. But the first group to have their first three records go straight to No 1 was from Liverpool, it was of course – yes you’ve guessed it – Gerry and the Pacemakers, (how many thought it was the Beatles?) they were, ‘How do you do it’, ‘I Like It’ and the evergreen ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ which still makes the hairs on the back of my nek stand up when I hear it.

There was a further 5926 new cases reported today along with 190 more deaths registered.

Thursday 11/03/2021 – Day 364

Well, here we are on the penultimate day of my first year in this asylum we now call self-isolation. It has been a terribly stormy night with wind coming from all directions (No dear reader, not that wind) it is now throwing it down outside and has prematurely woken me at 5.00am. I lay awake thinking what I could write for a nostalgia spot this week and for no particular reason animals came to mind, it set me thinking about the number of programmes I watched as a child which involved animals.

One of the earliest animal shows I can remember was Muffin the Mule, probably due to repeats. Now the butt of many adults humour, it was originally a TV programme featuring the animal character which was presented by Annette Mills, who was the sister of actor John Mills. It was broadcast live by the BBC from 1946 to 1952. Annette and the puppet continued with programmes that were broadcast until the year 1955, when Annette Mills died. The series then transferred to ITV in 1956 and 1957.

The first wildlife series I can recall that was aimed at children, was on ITV in 1956, with London Zoo’s animal specialist Dr Desmond Morris, from the outset he argued that the animals would be more at home and more likely to be better behaved in familiar surroundings, a special residential television studio, was built within the grounds of the zoo, and the TV show, hosted by Desmond Morris himself, was broadcast from there weekly. We tuned in to see many animals but the highlight of most kids of my age was the chimpanzees, I seem to remember a chimp called pongo or Congo that used to draw stuff, his images were all over the walls of the studio,

Does anyone remember Animal Magic? it first aired on 13 April 1962 and ran for 22 years with host Johnny Morris mixing tips on animal care with information on wildlife and zoos, while providing the animals with quintessential English voices – the blustering retired colonel, the spinster maiden aunt, the tongue-tied suitor . . .

The qualities he attributed to his menagerie always had an innate gentleness though, and what he was doing was child’s play: anthropomorphising animals as children have always done with pets and toys.

Horses played a big part in children’s TV back then, although, having said that, there wasn’t really any genuine Children’s TV programmes, they seemed to be more family orientated, but kids like me loved them. The first that comes to my mind was an American series called ‘Fury’, from what I remember it was about an orphan boy who is adopted by a rancher Jim Newton,(Played by Peter Graves who I always wished was my dad) who had just lost his wife and children. Jim brought Joey to Broken Wheel Ranch, where the boy became enchanted with Jim’s unbreakable black stallion, Fury. The boy Joey made friends with Fury and they got into many scrapes, he also had friends called peewee and Packy, there was also an old ranch hand whose name escapes me.

The second most famous horse of that era was ‘Champion the Wonder Horse’ again it was about a young boy who lived on a ranch and was broadcast by the BBC I think, the signature tune was made famous by Frankie Laine, but he didn’t sing the signature tune of the TV series that was a chap called Mike Stewart. The horse became famous through Gene Autry who made many films and presentations with him.

But we can’t complete this look at the fifties animals without the most famous dog of all time, this was ‘Lassie’, Everyone I knew in my age group watched the show religiously, it was stories based on the friendship of a Collie dog and his owner Jeff, it ran for over 18 years and was shown on ITV on Friday’s.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this trip down memory lane with some of the famous animals from that era.

New cases reported today totalled 6753, whilst the number of registered deaths were181.

Friday 11/03/2021 -Day 365

Well dear reader here we are at last! We have arrived at the one – year anniversary of the start of this excruciatingly painful missive which has assaulted your eyes since Monday the 16^th March 2020. In twelve months I have written over 200,000 words and posted nearly 200 images about Mrs H, George and Rose, Janet and John and of course all the antics of my life since I was first placed into lockdown.

The most surprising thing is that people seem to like this Sunday morning presentation, I now have over 2,000 followers, Now, whether or not this number will dwindle when this old planet returns to normal is yet to be seen, if it does then I will gently drift away into the oblivion from whence I first came, but I have to say it has been an emotional and a joyous trip with my only real fan right up there in that damp dark candlelit croft on the isle of Unst in the Shetlands where he lives alone with his Shetland pony.

I have known Angus McCoteup since two weeks after I first started writing this spectacular piece of garbage, he got in touch by e mail and asked – nay begged that I stop writing this blog as he saw it as an insult to the intelligence and an affront to his ponies delicate senses, (apparently he reads it out loud to his pony affectionately named ‘shorty’ every Sunday. But it seems that he mistook his ponies whining for hatred and a cry to stop, it was a few weeks later that he realised his mistake when Shorty refused to listen to the Sunday Times Supplement, but when Angus read my blog out loud Shorty perked up again. Which just goes to prove that I am not a one-trick pony. Either that or Shorty has taken a liking to Mrs H.

Anyway, the three of us have been in contact ever since and all on the isle of Unst is now quiet and calm once again, Angus has requested that as he missed the first ever two missives would I repeat them for him and Shorty, so here they are;

Monday 16/03/2020. Day1

So, today unofficially starts my self-isolation time even though the weekend counts as two days, I left work on Friday the 13^th, yes, sadly I am one of those poor sods who come under the veil of ‘underlying problems’ and so with the help and understanding of my brilliant employers, I am now on my own little lockdown, in all fairness it’s not too bad considering I am virtually a prisoner in my own home. The point is do I risk going out shopping etc, I have already had to cancel my next charity quiz, anyway Boris and his health sidekicks are saying limit all contact with other human beings, so I think not.

The first problem is that with my ‘underlying problems’ if I did manage to catch this miserable virus then my days would surely be numbered. Second problem is that I am not ill, I am as they say; ‘As fit as a butcher’s dog’, so how am I going to keep myself occupied, how am I going to stop myself climbing the walls?

Well, for a start I cut my lawns for the first time today, got halfway through the edging and thought – hang on a minute, what am I going to do tomorrow? – so I went back indoors to get under the feet of my darling wife and get back on my computer, seven hours later and it’s time for bed, it really isn’t all that bad – this self -isolation thing, quite looking forward to tomorrow.

Tuesday 17/03/2020. Day 2

Well today I should have been at work for 8.30 am, but as I said the bosses at Screwfix as always are one step ahead and have approved my stay of abstinence.   Abstinence of course is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to work abstinence, or abstinence from alcohol, drugs, or food. As I am not on drugs apart from those that keep this old heart ticking – then all these things apply to me – with the exclusion of the food of course!

So, as there was no work, what should I do to fill my day, there was always the lawn edging to finish – no, can’t be bothered – but the front drive has looked like no-one lives here since last Summer, after getting dressed (advisable) I went to the shed and collected my trusty garden vac which blinked as it hasn’t seen daylight for 6 months, then out to the front drive to suck up all those stalwart leaves that have been too stubborn to rot down since last November, I wouldn’t mind but they’re not my leaves, they belong to the council trees opposite, the ones that they have decided to spare as this council are known tree haters.

Decided to dig over the borders while I was there, stood by the wall by the pavement in my own little world when someone decides to pass the time of day, I don’t mind but he had no mask on!  So, I’m keeping a fair distance from him yet still being polite, thankfully my wife called him in for a cup of tea – I really must stop my son visiting!

By 2.00pm it was job done so it was back inside for a bit of quality time on the old laptop, it was then I decided to try online shopping, I have no idea why but I went on to Iceland’s very organised site, 30 minutes later with the help of the wife we had proudly ordered everything that was available – whether we liked it or not – and went to book a slot, everything was booked up until next Tuesday, after banging a few buttons thinking my computer was broke I decided to wait until later, after all it must change to next day at 9.00pm because that was the last slot, 9.00pm came, I waited with bated breath to hit that ‘enter’ button, but to no avail! In fact nothing happened at all, just a long list of ‘Sorry this slot is fully booked’, then I thought, of course it wouldn’t change until midnight, bleary eyed at 11.00pm I carried the trusty laptop up to bed, almost in dread of touching the wrong button and losing the page, drifting in and out of consciousness I waited – finger at the ready, then 11.59, suddenly 12,00am came I hit the button so hard it woke the wife, I sat there flabbergasted as I read the message for Wednesday 19^th March – ‘Sorry this slot is fully booked’, I am sat there thinking, how can that be possible? No-one has access to this day until midnight! I lay there for the next hour fuming, I finally drifted off to sleep with visions of Iceland staff taking backhanders from people desperate for a slot.

Ok reader, you can safely come back to this day now.

The number of new cases reported today were 6609 with a further 175 deaths, still far too many but at least they are going down.

Saturday 13/03/2021 – Day 366

Up nice and early this morning to get all those irritating little jobs done so I can settle down for the afternoon with a few cans of Guinness to watch the =Rubby, starting with Italy V Wales which is basically going to be a walkover, but the match that follows is England v France and we need a win desperately.

Today was one of the saddest days in recent British history when in 1996 Thomas Hamilton, a lone gunman carrying 4 handguns killed 16 children and their teacher at a school in Dunblane, Scotland. The killer fired randomly around the school gym in an attack that lasted just three minutes, but caused carnage in the class of five and six year olds. He then turned the gun on himself. Hamilton had been a scout master briefly before being sacked by the Scout Association. The event became a rallying point for anti-gun legislation. Two days after the shooting, a vigil and prayer session was held at Dunblane Cathedral and on Mothering Sunday, the Queen and Princess Anne attended a memorial service at Dunblane Cathedral.

Mrs H and I have started joinery lessons, our neighbour said I didn’t know you were Carpenters….

…. I said, ‘We’ve only just begun’.

Government sources say that their stocks of road cones have risen dramatically, something to do with the pubs being shut and no drunkards taking them home.

And finally, on a serious note, I heard a Doctor on TV this morning saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home is difficult, but we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this, we should always finish things that we started as we could all use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things I’d started and hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Pinot, a bottle of Gin, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of me valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how blumin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner ****. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!

Today there were 5534 new cases, this brings my weekly total to40,477, just 2348 down on the previous week, the number of recorded deaths was 121 giving a total for the week of 1045, this means the numbers have dropped by almost a third to 1045. The number of recoveries rose dramatically to 3,424,092 up by a whopping 775,473, which tells us that the vaccines are now taking effect.

Well dear reader, that is all I have time for this week, next week we start the second year, try and stay with me! Meanwhile, please stay safe.

It’s been emotional!

On this special Mothers day please give a thought for all those who have lost their Mothers and especially those who have lost daughters or sons, Love you Mrs H xxxx