Diary of a self-isolator – week 46

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 24/01/2021 – Day 316

The countdown continues with just three days to go, woke this morning at 6.00am prompt, made my four Weetabix and retired to the office (small back bedroom) to post this weeks diary, at this stage I had the blind down, I opened the blind at 7.00am and it was a white out, the snow was a couple of inches deep and it was still dropping flakes the size of Wales (well, perhaps a slight exaggeration on my part there), we have been told to expect 100mm (four inches)  of snow from the look of those flakes they may have slightly underestimated.

Of course, when you were small you used to get really excited when it snowed, if you didn’t have gloves or mittens you would beg an old pair of woolly socks off your mum and get over to the nearest bank with your home-made sled. This would be the same grass bank which you happily slid down in the Summer precariously sat on a large cardboard box obtained from the local grocer who was  – in those days – glad to see the back of them, we would slide down the grass hoping and praying that the cardboard lasted to the bottom of the hill, otherwise you were sliding down on the already thin material of your short trousers which you had inherited from your elder brother. But the snow was better, at least you had something to lie on until of course the thing disintegrated leaving you rolling toward a thicket of snow laden brambles or stingers, that was painful, believe me, I still bear the scars.

The other thing was the playground slide, compact snow would freeze and we’d make the longest slide possible, I know all our generation say it, but we really did attend school during a heavy snowfall, the teachers would say ‘If I can get here then you can get here as well’. Then the real cheek of it was when the head would knock on the classroom door and ask for volunteers to clear the playground of snow! Mind you, there was never any shortage of hands shooting up, especially during Maths or geography, besides, it gave us all a chance to have a sneaky cigarette as no teacher was brave enough to stand out in the cold supervising us. Great days!

On this day in1928  The birth of Desmond Morris, British anthropologist. He first came to the public’s attention in the 1950s as a presenter of the ITV television programme Zoo Time, but he achieved worldwide fame in 1967 with his book The Naked Ape.

Also, on this day in 1930 The birth, in Norfolk, of Bernard Matthews, the poultry industry figure. He won a scholarship to the City of Norwich School, but found it difficult to settle, regularly failed his exams, he was never much of a Sage and feeling Stuffed, he left school with no qualifications. Nevertheless, when he died, aged 80, in November 2010 he had amassed a fortune estimated at over £300m and a motor yacht, a Cessna private jet and a Rolls-Royce motor car. I wonder who gobbled all that up when he passed.

And finally, on this day in 1965 the death of Sir Winston Churchill, aged 90, world famous soldier, politician, historian and Prime Minister of Britain. He was First Lord of the Admiralty at the time of the battle of Dogger Bank (see above). He had correctly predicted that he would die on the same date as his father, Lord Randolph Churchill, who had died exactly 70 years previously. But even more spooky was in 2015 A racehorse named Sir Winston Churchill netted a win, on the 50th anniversary of the wartime leader’s death, in the 3:25pm race at Uttoxeter racecourse.

Figures for today were 30,004 new cases and 610 registered deaths.

Monday 25/01/2021 – Day 317

Just two days to go and it will all be over! I once more delved into the book Mrs H bought me for Christmas, Conveniently named ‘Trivia on the Bog’, (did you see what I did there – Conveniently, bog? Oh never mind)  and apparently in 1631 two London bible printers accidentally left out the word ‘not’  in the seventh commandment, so it actually read ‘Thou Shalt Commit adultery’, The legendary mistake cost the printers their business, and the book? Well, today it is known as the Wicked Bible.

I took a quick peek out of the window and everything was still white, including the main road which had been gritted at least twice last night to my knowledge. But the ensuing frost was too much for those gritters with temperatures dropping to minus 10 around here.

Still, me being the brave little soldier that I am still got dressed in my working clothes and after breakfast of four Weetabix I was ready to face the day and that chap known as Jack Frost. With the words ‘You must be totally mad’ from Mrs H ringing in my ears, I skipped outside into the cold morning air, which immediately took my breath away, not to be thwarted (or ridiculed by Mrs H ) I fought the freezing temperatures and picked up my saw which had been left outside for two days. Big mistake, my fingers immediately clung to the metal like a super glue, I looked around to make sure Mrs H wasn’t watching and breathed on my hand and the cold metal simultaneously, after what seemed like an Ice-age, it came free, and I headed back inside with my tail between my legs and my fingers dropping off.

“Too cold?” she mocked

“No, I just came in to find a pencil”.

“What’s wrong with your hand, a little sore is it?”

Sore? Saw? She had seen me outside when I picked up the saw, I love that woman to bits but sometimes – just sometimes.

I put my hand as near to the radiator as I could bear, while Mrs H trotted off upstairs, I swear I heard her laughing. So that was my venture outside finished for the day,I was going to settle down for a day on the computer just generally being lazy, but Mrs H had other plans. For a few days now she has been badgering me to convert this big glass battery lantern into an electric one as the batteries were costing as much as the National debt. I reluctantly gave into her and had a look at the job, after a few mmm’s a couple of Buttermints (yes dear reader, I am still hooked on them) and much scratching of the head I agreed to do the job as I had most of the stuff in the repair shop anyway. I thought I would put her off by saying how cold it was in there, but she bounced back with;

“Why don’t you bring the stuff in? It’s not that big a job so It won’t take long”

(Don’t you just hate it when they say that lads?)

She was right, a couple of hours later, after a bit of drilling and a new cable and switch,  she had a brand new light for the hallway, I was tempted to put a red bulb in it but thought better of it. Problem was that I made such a good job of the lamp that she now has another three lined up for me, Beam me up Scotty!

Todays figures were 22194 new cases and 592 deaths were reported.

Tuesday 26/01/2021 – Day 318

Hardly slept last night with all the excitement, just one day to go! I jumped out of bed with the agility of a 20-year-old, by 9.00am I had washed and shaved, and I was raring to go. I ventured outside, the saw was still lying where it had reluctantly dropped off my fingers yesterday, I looked at it, the 20 year old made a run for it and the 68 year old wimp returned with a vengeance, perhaps I should wait a while, it was awfully cold out there, it’s nothing that can’t wait a few hours, anyway, the nice man on Countryfile said it was going to rain today, yes I’ll wait a while until the saw has thawed out.

On the way back in I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the patio glass, I was once more beginning to resemble the wild man of Borneo, my hair was down on my shoulders and hung there like a limp lettuce, if there is any such thing as a grey lettuce of course, even Mrs H mentioned that I was starting to look like an old Indian chief, I was hoping that she meant Geronimo but suspected she really meant Running Bare (no, not a spelling mistake). So, last week we ordered some new scissors and hair cutting equipment, I argued that, if she was really careful the flymo would have done the same job at less expense, but Mrs H politely declined. Anyway, I digress, those same scissors arrived last Thursday and have been sat on the worktop since, don’t get me wrong, the good lady did at least spray the envelope and wipe it down, she even opened it!  But when it came to actually using the aforementioned, she seemed to be lacking in the wherewithal as far as gumption was concerned. To be quite honest, I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and dragged a comb through the thickening patch, there was enough there to re-stuff a chaise-lounge, I could see why she didn’t fancy the prospect of hacking through the dense thatch that kept the cold out of an otherwise very brainy scalp.

The thing was that I badly needed a haircut and preferably before Mrs H used the very sharp implements to cut the stalks for her flower arranging, there are at least another eleven pairs that she’s already nicely blunted for that purpose. But I had a pleasant surprise as I stepped back into the warmth, I was greeted by;

“Would you like me to cut your hair?”

After 48 years of being together this is how we work, we are telepathic.

“Oh, go on then” I replied, and went off upstairs to don an old tee shirt for the occasion. When I went back downstairs I could hear voices, as I walked into the room I could hear Mrs H talking to our daughter Gemma on Whatsapp, these conversations have been known to last a full morning, so I thought, ‘there goes the haircut again’. It turns out that in my absence Mrs H phoned Gemma (a hairdresser) and asked her to stay on the phone to watch and guide as she hacked at my locks, to say that this didn’t exactly fill me with confidence would be a gross understatement.

Mrs H             How do you want it cut

Me                   Which cut would make me look better?

Mrs H             A power cut!

So. I sat there – not amused – having my haircut as Mrs H had her phone in one hand, scissors in the other and Gemma shouted out instructions. Fifteen minutes later it was all over, it didn’t look half bad to be honest, apart from the slight mishap, but then Van Gough led a normal life with one missing!

Oh yes, one more thing, Gemma has now plastered the back of my head and Mrs H cutting my hair – all over Facebook – bless her!

The new cases for the last 24 hours were 20,089, but the number of new registered deaths soared to 1631.

Wednesday 27/01/2021 – Day 319

Well, it has finally arrived, here I am at the start of my sixty-ninth year on this great planet, my sixty-eighth year was a gross let down anyway so I’m glad to see the back of it. My day started really well with Mrs H bringing me a hot steaming cup of tea in bed, then she disappeared while I drank it. Next thing was a shout from downstairs, It was Mrs H announcing that my breakfast was ready, now, it’s common knowledge that I am a boring four Weetabix a day chap, but if I had not been in the precarious situation we would have gone over to a local hostelry for breakfast with the girls and if he wasn’t working – the son as well. Anyway, I went downstairs and there it was – the Full Monty (no, not the film, Mrs H was fully clothed), I had bacon, eggs, mushrooms, and beans with half a loaf of wholemeal bread (healthier lol) and another mug of hot tea. But before that it was present time.

Mrs H had bought me a tabletop saw and a new pair of Guinness slippers, my son Mark had bought me a biscuit tool for jointing planks of wood, my two daughters Sarah and Gemma along with Mollie and Alisha my granddaughters had bought me a dust extraction unit for the repair shop and the two Grandsons had bought me a new drinking mug with a personalised photo on one side and a saying on the other side which read ‘I am a writer, anything you say may be used in my stories’, I thought that was brilliant and it’ll make me smile every time I drink from it.

By the time I had finished it I felt like Billy Bunter! The rest of the morning was spent on my computer just browsing, which made a nice change from the pressure of having to find items to post on my sites.

The morning just seemed to fly past, I was just starting to feel a little better and a little slimmer when Mrs h appeared with cupcakes, I am a fool for cakes, I have never ever refused a slice of cake in my life, No, wait a minute, that is not strictly true – when I was laid up in hospital for almost two years (long story, I’ll tell you one tomorrow) they used to keep bringing me carrot cake for a dessert or a pudding if you live up North – so I began to hate it with a vengeance!

The afternoon was spent lolling around and doing something that normally doesn’t come naturally to me, now, what’s the word I’m looking for – oh yes, relaxing! About 3.00pm our friends Janet and John turned up outside, they were taking their dogs for a walk and called to bring me a card, I hate leaving them on the doorstep but as they said, it was too risky to come in, we had a good chat and bid them goodbye, but when I opened the card there was a menu inside, they were telling us to choose three courses from the menu for Saturday evening, they would fetch the meal, drop ours off here and then we would meet up by computer as we’ve done before., what a wonderful present!

At five o clock, Boris was back on Tv for another Downing street catch-up, He was basically telling everyone that he didn’t expect the schools to re-open until March 8^th, I just get the feeling that the poor chap can’t do right for doing wrong, I wouldn’t like to be in his shoes today. Then at 5.30 Alisha and Sam her boyfriend, phoned up to see what we wanted fetched from the Chinese takeaway, I hadn’t had a takeaway from there for 10 months, thirty minutes later I was tucking in to Chicken and pineapple and a bowl of their wonderful chips – pure heaven.

I had a most wonderful day with over 500 people wishing me a happy birthday, but suddenly the day had caught up with Mrs H and she became very tired, the end of my first day of being 69 was nigh.

The new cases in the past day were at 25,308, the number of registered deaths continues to rise and today are 1725.

Thursday 28/01/2021 – Day 320

Things were back to normal today, I was out of bed first at 6.30, I could tell in the house that it was mild outside, I normally have to click the heating up a couple of notches but today the house was really warm, so I took it down a notch – waste not want not – my dear old gran used to say.

It was really mild outside so I took advantage of the weather to continue with the canopy, a lot of extras have been added to the construction, some to make it stronger, others just to enhance the finished look of it. So I fired up the music and spent the day outside, the sun even came out at one point then it was like a beautiful spring day. It’s surprising what a bit of good weather does for the spirits, also of course it is almost 5.00pm and it’s still broad daylight!

I did say that I’d tell you about my long stay in hospital, well, we have to go back to 1996, I was a self-employed jobbing builder (Jack of all trades, Master of none). After an accident on a job (I was blown off my ladder) I was left with a leg that was going black as I watched it, it was so bad I had to take my boot off, anyway the lovely Mrs H got me to hospital and I thought they’d do a quick plaster job and I’d be in the club later that night. But I hadn’t reckoned on the way my luck goes, they found me a bed and said they couldn’t even x-ray it until the swelling went down, it took two weeks and I was still in hospital, anyway, I had my x-ray and it showed that in the fall I had smashed my heel up into my ankle, I was told by the surgeon it was one of the worst injuries possible to a foot. They decided to operate and insert a plate.

Six weeks later I was going home, but I had to have the theatre dressing removed, a lovely old nurse was stuck with the job, she prodded and probed and moaned about how tight they had packed it into the wound, she was tugging and pulling and suddenly it gave way, the bandage flew out and her finger went in, I screamed in agony and the lovely old nurse apologised profusely. After I’d come down off the ceiling she bandaged it up and I hobbled off home with the aid of Mrs H and a couple of Long John Silver crutches.

A few days later the wound became infected, it was back into hospital for me and the first of 14 operations, I was on first-name terms with the theatre staff, I was even on their Christmas card list, they used to joke that I should just have a zip put on the wound for easier access. Nearly two years in hospital with the odd couple of weeks at home, the Surgeon urged me to have it amputated, I refused, then a few weeks later he sent his registrar in to try and convince me. “I can show you films of amputees who lead a good life” he said, “And I can show you the gravestones of amputees, including my Uncle” I replied. So I kept my foot and live a very normal life with the exception of a bit of arthritis in the Winter months.

The number of new cases ids creeping up once again, but the number of deaths have thankfully decreased by 500 to1239, still far too many.

Friday 29/01/2021 – day 321

Up like the lark this morning I went down to make a cup of tea and ‘Son of bouncer’ had once again returned. To those of you who have only recently joined me ‘Bouncer’ was a chirpy little bird that frequented our memorial bench in the garden, above the bench is a large mirror, Bouncer would be there for hours jumping up and down at his reflection, hence the name. That was last March, now I am assuming that birds don’t live too long so I am also assuming that this new bird  (who turned up a few weeks back and disappeared again ) is some sort of relative, but this bird not only bounces up and down, he (I say he because no female is this stupid) also runs along the top rail, then back to the other end and bounces up and down for a few minutes before ‘dancing’ back to the other end, meanwhile the grey bench is beginning to get whiter and whiter – if you know what I mean.

I sometimes think George is not all he seems, he rang today saying he was in town returning a scarf he had for Christmas, apparently, it was too tight!

Had a good day on the canopy today, once again it was quite mild around 11 degrees, the outside is now fully completed and there is just a bit of tidying up to do on the inside, but we’ll get there with a good wind behind us (perhaps not).

Got so excited today, I actually finished a jigsaw after just six months, it said 2 – 4 years on the box, what a result!

Mrs H and I are now sadly, coming to the end of our latest blockbuster on Netflix, ‘A Place to call Home’ has been very absorbing to say the least, excellent characters and storylines, but we only have seven episodes to go, and there are no plans for any more – oh well! I shall just have to trawl the site in search of another series, Mrs H will say – as usual – ‘Oh I don’t fancy this’, then we will be binge watching within a week.

The number of new cases has once again risen to 29,094, the highest figure this week, deaths are over 1000 for the fourth day in a row at 1245.

Saturday 30/01/2021 – Day 322

Well I got up bright and early this morning ready and willing but yet again unable to finish the canopy for Mrs H, the weather out there is atrocious, it’s so bad that there are Klingons on the starboard bow. I did venture outside but it took a matter of  seconds for the cold and wind to penetrate my 4 layers of clothing, Mrs H urged me back inside. So, it left me wondering about what to talk about to you today, thn my mind drifted back to the old-fashioned sweet shops of my childhood in the late fifties and the sixties.

Penny sweets were the buy of the day, clutching the threepence deposit back off an old pop bottle you had found on the tip and cleaned up, you proudly walked into the sweet shop, you would of course have to allow at least 15 minutes to absorb what was affordable and what was not, Our sweetshop owner was the most patient and kindest lady ever, never in a rush to serve you. My most frequent shop was the one nearest to St Mary Junior and was situate on the corner of Duke street and Churchfields. The top shelves were normally the jars of more higher priced sweets, out of reach of anyone who wanted to help themselves.
But all we were interested in were the penny sweets at the front, designed very cleverly to attract young boys and girls and relieve them of those big brown coins getting very warm as they were held in a clenched fist, Mrs Simms hovered patiently – much like Auntie Wainwright in Last of the Summer wine, or Arkwright in Open all Hours, – either way you walked out with a handful of sweets and an empty pocket!
For a penny you could buy Blackjacks, White mice, Flying saucers, liquorice wood. Pontefract cakes, Liquorice allsorts,  Raspberry drops, Dolly mixtures,  sherbert fountains of which there was an art to disposing of the dip, you either bit the end off the liquorice and sucked up the sherbert, or you simply sucked and dipped which normally left you with a soggy mess. The bargain was always the penny gobstopper, or indeed Aniseed balls which could be sucked on all day, then you had the everchanging gobstopper which as you sucked changed different colours, you could be digging around in the dirt or messing with worms when absent-mindedly your fingers went into your mouth to see what colour the gobstopper had become, it was then popped back in along with every germ known to mankind, such innocence!
Remember the candy necklaces worn with pride by your little sister, or the liquorice catherine wheel which stretched out forever till you got to the bobbly sweet in the centre. Of course there were lots more, but we made our money last back then.

Had a wonderful virtual meal with our great friends Janet and John tonight, when I say virtual, the meal was real, but the four of us were on a Zoom call as we ate, Janet and John paid for the meal for my birthday and we helped them out by eating it. We all had a lovely couple of hours catching up until the sound went off on the Zoom connection, probably heard the girls giving it ten to the dozen – oops!

The number of new cases today is 23,275which brings the total for my week to 176,629, that’s over 83,000 down on last week,  and a further 1200 deaths were recorded bringing my weeks total to 8242 almost 500 down on the previous week, it looks as though we are heading in the right direction at last with a total of 1,673,936 recoveries..

As I said, the canopy isn’t quite up to standard yet so it looks as though it will be next week before I upload photo’s of the finished thing, sincere apologies. But I’ll leave you with pics of my birthday.

It’s been emotional.