Diary of a self-isolator – week 42

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 27/12/2020 – Day 288

Well here we are at the beginning of another brand new week, It has been one hell of a night with storm Bella bringing gusts of wind in excess of 100mph in some parts of the UK, the wind has been lashing at the bedroom Winter all night, but Mrs H’, whose last words before I dropped off to the land of make believe were, ‘I’m never going to get to sleep tonight with this wind’ (yes I know) was gently snoring and drowning out the remnants of the storm.

It is supposed to continue throughout the day, but I must say that there is a beautiful calmness outside with a wonderful blue sky, still, these forecasters know best eh! The only damage in our garden was a short piece of roofing felt came off the shed, the recycling bin would never have blown away – not with the amount of empties Mrs H has managed to put in there!

Here is another snippet from the useless information department, Did you know that the inventor of the telephone Alexander Graham Bell, never phoned his wife or his mother in law, he would be hard pushed to as they were both deaf.

Ok, so it’s whinge time, Mrs H and I have rarely sat down for so long, we are normally at one of our children’s houses at this time of year, but because of Covid we have had to spend our Christmas and the coming New year in solitary confinement, we therefore have been forced to watch more TV than we normally do, and may I say without offending the ladies on here, ‘What a complete and utter load of crap!’, there that’s that out in the open then. Last night there were so many celebrity shows on that we almost drowned in them The TV people think that all they have to do to keep us happy is shove a couple of celebrities in front of the camera, a Christmas tree in the background and add the word Christmas to the title and hey presto, instant Christmas for the great unwashed! I wouldn’t mind but we don’t even know most of these so called ‘celebrities’, the only ones that know they are stars seems to be their families.

Last night we were ‘entertained’ with Christmas University challenge, The Cube, Celebrity Special, In for a Christmas Penny, The Chase Celebrity Christmas special, The Masked singer (Total rubbish) Family Fortunes Celebrity special, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, yes, you’ve guessed it, Celebrity Special. But the biggest insult of the evening, nay the whole of Christmas came courtesy of the BBC, at peak time following the excellent and emotional Repair shop the gave us – wait for it, drum roll – The Great British sewing Bee, Celebrity Special!, Now this pile of rubbish which is a favourite of 4 little old ladies in the Outer Hebrides is usually confined to BBC 2 on a weekday, but some relation of the aforementioned little old ladies decided it would be a good idea to foist it on the great British fee paying public at prime time. Well dear reader it really gave me the needle, Beam me up Scotty!

Figures for the past 24 hours were 30,501 new cases and a further 316 new registered deaths, these figures aren’t complete as Scotland and Wales haven’t added theirs yet.

Monday 28/12/2020 – Day 289

Well. That was a bit of a surprise, woke at 4.45am and thought’ it seems a little quiet out there’, went in the back bedroom and opened the windows – Wow! A complete white out, three or four inches of snow had fallen and it was still falling heavily, I thought twice about waking Mrs H and sharing the joyous news with her. I slipped back into bed quietly.

After yet another exhilarating night on TV, I was lay awake in bed contemplating the fact that there was no punctuation used in the 15^th century (true fact) and why have Facebook users and Mobile phone texters decided that history should repeat itself in the 21^st century.

I went outside yesterday to attempt a repair on the torn felt, I got on the shed roof and the bitterly cold wind hit me, I flipped the torn felt over, put something heavy on it ( No, not my wallet) and went back inside to the warmth of Mrs H’s arms lol.

So, today – when it has finally stopped snowing I need to go outside and clear the back path, (I was going to write that I needed to clear my back passage but it somehow just didn’t seem right). I failed to clear it on the last fall and it turned into a skating rink after the snow had frozen overnight, It was so funny watching Mrs H slip and slide her way to the freezer in the shed, her language was also a bit choice if I remember rightly.

On this day in 1963 ‘That Was The Week That Was’, television’s first satirical show, was broadcast for the last time. It was taken off air while still commanding huge audiences because 1964 was to be election year and it was felt that the show could influence voters. I was never a big fan of this programme, Cast members included cartoonist Timothy Birdsall, political commentator Bernard Levin, and actors Lance Percival, who sang topical calypsos, many improvised to suggestions from the audience, Kenneth Cope, Roy Kinnear, Willie Rushton, Al Mancini, Robert Lang, David Kernan and Millicent Martin. The last two were also singers and the programme opened with a song – “That Was The Week That Was” – sung by Martin to Ron Grainer‘s theme tune and enumerating topics in the news. Frankie Howerd also guested with stand-up comedy.

I have no idea why but I could never stand Millicent Martin or Lance Percival, I have no doubt that had they known me back then they wouldn’t have thought much of me either!

Also on this day 1980 A shake-up of broadcasting franchises paved the way for the launch of breakfast TV. The Independent Broadcasting Authority announced that the breakfast contract would go to TV-am and would launch in 1983. So, it is those idiots we have to thank for foisting the terrible Piers Morgan on us, not to mention that idiot from the market ads Phillip Schofield, still at least they gave us Holly Willoughby eh!

For the first time since its peak in April new figures have risen above 40.000, yesterdays figures stood at 41,385 new cases, and 357 new deaths. There is growing concern for the already overstretched NHS in the South of the country.

Tuesday 29/12/2020 – Day 281

Up at 5.15 this morning, it had frozen overnight so I was glad I’d gone out and cleared the snow from the paths, I had been lay in bed debating why ‘The sixth sick shiek’s sixth sheep’s sick’ is one of the toughest tongue twisters in the world, after a couple of failed attempts I hauled my sorry old backside out of bed and went downstairs to make my first brew of the day.

I wrote a short story just before Christmas, it was called A Christmas Tale 1925, it was basically a story of a young boy who had worked and saved the whole year to buy his Mum and sister the presents they deserved, then he found out that his friends brother was ill, he used the money he’d saved to pay for a doctor, to buy fuel and food for the family, it was basically a story about giving to others. The story had over 2500 hits on facebook and over 2000 comments, I am still answering comments today, my flabber was well ghasted – but in a good way.

Well, we are in a sort of ‘No Man’s Land’ at the moment, that time between Christmas and New year where everyone is stuffed to the hilt and sick to the back teeth with turkey. You’ve had turkey rolls, turkey kebabs, turkey stew and even as I speak now, your significant other half is scraping the remnants of that once magnificent bird into a wok to prepare turkey stir-fry. Go on, you know you love it!

You can’t face another tinned beer or glass of wine, you search desperately for something half decent to watch on the TV so that you can at least vegetate quietly on the sofa, but TV bosses all seem to think that it’s only children who bother to watch during the day, so all you find are cartoons, even the kids films are repeats! Then comes the evening, you have semi-comatised most of the day, drifting in and out of consciousness, only being disturbed by the wife’s ‘You’re not asleep again? No wonder you can’t sleep at night, what on earth is wrong with you?’ You are tempted to answer her with something witty, but you are too tired to be bothered so drop off again to the loud sounds of tuts ringing in your ear and praying for it all to over soon. By the time it’s bedtime you are wide awake and ready to party, but alas, there is no-one to party with, just the wife, however, please remember, she is probably thinking exactly the same as you and is equally as bored with your drab company.

On this day in 1675 Parliament ordered the closing of all coffee houses on the basis that they were centres of malicious gossip about the Government. Have you noticed that all the pubs and café’s have been closed recently?

The number of new cases have hit a new high today, with 53135 new cases registered and 414 new deaths we are almost back to peak figures in April.

Wednesday 30/12/2020 – Day 282

I am laying here in bed this morning and looking beneath the bedclothes, now don’t be rude, it was just that I was reading a book of facts last night and it said that the average home causes more pollution than the average car, it also said that most of the particles in your house comes from dead skin! Hence the search.

George and Rose had run out of a few things over Christmas so decided to get a bit of shopping this morning, after much debating and wringing of hands they decided to go really early to avoid the crowds, the shop was only open for seniors from 7,00 to 8.00 am, by 6.45 they were stood behind a little old lady and an elderly couple up front who were sipping tea from a flask. George reckoned they’d been there all night, a young man turned up about 6.50 and pushed to the front , the little old lady was soon on his case and started beating him with her aluminium NHS walking stick,  he tried to stave her off but much to the amusement of onlookers he was soon at the back of the cue. A few minutes later he tried the same trick but the old man at the front punched him in the stomach knocked him down and physically rolled him to the back of the queue. A moment later the young man was back, as the old lady went to strike him he shouted, “I’ve got the keys, if you don’t let me unlock the doors then none of you will get in”.

Great news today as the Health Secretary announced that the Oxford/AstraZeneca Covid-19 vaccine has been approved in the UK for mass rollout. The jab, which has been described as a “game changer”, was given the green light by the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA).

The UK has ordered 100 million doses of the vaccine – enough to vaccinate 50 million people.

A Department of Health and Social Care spokesman said: “The Government has today accepted the recommendation from the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency  to authorise Oxford University/AstraZeneca’s Covid-19 vaccine for use.

“This follows rigorous clinical trials and a thorough analysis of the data by experts at the MHRA, which has concluded that the vaccine has met its strict standards of safety, quality and effectiveness.”

The vaccine will start to be rolled out from Monday, it doesn’t require the same ‘deep freeze’ conditions that the other vaccine needs. this hopefully means that most of the country will be vaccinated by the Spring.

Do you know I had been on this earth 21 years and married for just one week before I realised that there was a right way to put milk back in the fridge.

A total of 50,023 new, positive coronavirus cases, and 981 deaths within 28 days of a positive test were reported across the UK yesterday. As a consequence, at one minute past midnight, a further 20 million people in England joined the toughest tier of Covid restrictions. The Midlands (But not Worcestershire, we went up to tier three), North East, parts of the North West and parts of the South West were among those escalated to tier four. Furthermore, for most pupils, secondary schools across most of England were to remain closed for an extra two weeks after the Christmas holidays. All of Wales entered a full lockdown on Sunday, 20th December and the majority of Scotland was put into a full lockdown from Boxing Day, 26th December.

Thursday 31/12/2020 – Day 283

Here we are at last at the end of one of the worst years in recent history, had the circumstances been back to normal I have no doubt that the many parties would have drank Britain dry and emptied every shelf of anything drinkable.

I live in Worcestershire but the tradition in Yorkshire is to say “black rabbits, black rabbits, black rabbits” just as the clock is about to chime midnight on New Year’s Eve. Then, as the clock strikes twelve, say “white rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits” as your first utterance of the new year. Good luck will ensue. Or at least, the good fortune not to have to say anything about rabbits for another twelve months.

Just before midnight on New Year’s Eve, people hold hands and sing a traditional song called “Auld Lang Syne”. They count the seconds down to the new year and when the clock strikes midnight, they hug and kiss and wish each other a Happy New Year! Sometimes people set off fireworks as the new year begins. You then spend the next ten minutes avoiding all those with whiskers that you don’t want to kiss, the men of course would all be clean shaven.

This kissing business started a while ago when In the past it was reported that at midnight, people would remove their masks, and kisses were a way of purifying each other from evil. … (Mrs H would have had to slobber all over me) English and German folklore built on this idea and spread the superstition that a midnight kiss strengthens a budding romance and avoiding it could mean a loveless year ahead.

New Year’s Eve has always been steeped in history, Scotland’s Hogmanay, The sound of Big Ben and the singing of Auld Lang Syne. There is also an old custom called First Footing which I used to do regularly as a youngster.

I was blonde haired up to the age of four years old, then, inexplicably I suddenly changed to very dark hair -almost overnight. By the time I was seven I was going ‘first-footing. Basically, a tall dark -haired stranger had to knock the door after the stroke of midnight, he had to be carrying a piece of coal and had to be let in, he couldn’t unlock the doors they had to be open, Originally, every door in the house had to be open and the stranger would enter every room shouting ‘Old year out, New Year in’, no one was allowed to enter or leave the house until this ritual had been carried out. Thankfully by the time I was doing it you just entered by the front door clutching your piece of coal, you headed for the table, walked around it and then walked back out collecting your money as you passed.

Of course, when they opened the door to me they would have to look down, the woman would say “Bit short for this game aren’t you?’ then a slurring voice in the background would shout, “Let him in our Gert, you’ll get nowt better tonight”. Even now I don’t think I’m tall enough to fit the bill. Meanwhile my old man would invite everyone from down the pub, it was as though all the booze left over from Christmas had to be used up, they would be singing well into the night and mother would end up being the unofficial ‘bouncer’ helping a few of the less capable on their way.

I have always said that most of the soaps weren’t true to life, but I think Eastenders is the worst. How irresponsible was it to show a packed pub, people doing the hokey cokey on the square, people openly kissing and cuddling, this all happened tonight on the show, just after the area was designated Tier four. The thing is that even on tier three this wouldn’t have been permitted, so regardless of when it was filmed the producers should have known and portrayed what the true situation was, they made a mockery of it.

I still don’t know what to wear to the lounge tonight, I may not even bother to go!

The number of new cases reached a new high today, the highest recorded figure since April, there were a total of 55,892 cases, I actually now know local people who have the virus which means that this new strain is slowly creeping Northwards, The number of deaths was also very high at 964, that is almost two thousand deaths in two days, very frightening.

Friday 01/01/2021 – Day 284

Hip Hip Hooray, we have now left a very terrible year behind and hopefully the EC as well, to quote a song from Yazz ‘The Only Way is Up’. A Happy and prosperous New Year to all of you.

Well, that’s Christmas and New year done, no more mince pies – pass the Hot cross buns please.

My New Years resolution is to completely ignore the list of jobs that Mrs H is constantly drawing up, I reckon I should break it in about a week.

Ok then, the good news, or bad news – depending on which end you’re looking from – is that the timber arrived yesterday for Mrs H’s new canopy, I don’t know about where you live but here in Kidderminster it was minus seven degrees, the poor delivery chap almost had to get a hammer and chisel to separate the timber which had been loaded the night previously. Then I had to move it all around to the rear of the house because the driver said that ‘due to Covid restrictions, he was only allowed to drop the goods kerbside’, I bet there are a lot of them using that old chestnut. Problem was that I couldn’t find my gloves either, by the time I had finished carrying the already frozen timber to the back of the house my fingers were literally frozen, then I made the big mistake of going inside and warming them by the radiator, can you remember the pain when you were a child and had been out in the snow all day with a pair of old socks on your hands because gloves were too expensive? Well, neither could I, the pain as the feeling came back to my fingers was excruciating!

All I have to do now is await the thawing of the decking area which is still holding frozen snow, the way the weather’s going I probably have more chance of knitting the fog that has just descended on us.

In anticipation of the new vaccine Mrs H and I have just sorted our first 2021 holiday, in April we’re going to Iceland, and if all goes well, we are going to Sainsbury’s in July.

On this day in 1660 Samuel Pepys began writing the Diary which he kept for nine years, writing in an early form of shorthand. You have to wonder – will this diary last nine years?

Also, on this day 1951 The first episode of the BBC’s radio serial The Archers – farming folk of Ambridge. It is the world’s longest running radio ‘soap’. By its 60^th anniversary on 18th December 2011 it had reached 16,600 episodes. The programme will celebrate its 70^th anniversary today. As well as broadcasting episode number 19,343 of the world’s longest-running serial drama, stars from it will appear on the station’s other programmes. This will include inserts into Woman’s Hour, Farming Today, and a quiz.

One of the biggest errors in pop history occurred on this day in 1962 when the Beatles had an audition for Decca Records, who turned them down and signed Brian Poole and the Tremeloes instead for the simple reason that they lived closer to the recording studio. Oops!

And finally, on this day in 1985 Michael Harrison, the son of former Vodafone chairman Sir Ernest Harrison, made the first ever mobile phone call in Britain. He called his father from London’s Parliament Square on the newly-launched Vodafone network using an 11lb (5kg) Transportable Vodafone VT1, which boasted around 30 minutes of talk time. A few days later, a crowd gathered at St Katherine’s Dock in London to watch comedian Ernie Wise make the first public mobile phone call using the same device. All were far from portable and cost around £2,000 – equivalent to roughly £5,000 today.

It seems that Mrs H has learned so much from her mistakes that she intends to make a lot more in 2021.

For the fourth time in a row this week the new cases are over 50.000, in the past 24 hours they have reached 53285, deaths have dropped thankfully but even so they stand at 613.

Saturday 02/01/2020 – Day 285

I was lay awake this morning wondering why the word Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia had suddenly popped into my head, I got  out of bed and googled it, apparently, it is the fear of long words, there you go, another snippet from the useless information department.

As you know, we are in tier three, but if we go up to tier four and it snows, does anyone know how many snowmen we are allowed in the garden? Asking for a friend.

Ok dear reader, it’s whinge time, does anyone recall that I bought Mrs H a lovely swing chair for her birthday back in July? Well, she revealed to me that the wooden frame I had spent hours designing and constructing was no longer fit for purpose! She reckons it is too big and cumbersome to ‘drag around’ the decking, she also asks – nay demands – that I now hang it from the rafters of the new canopy. So I had to stand out there in the freezing cold – with no gloves, cos I’ve lost them – while she stood in the nice warm house by the patio window, drinking a nice hot latte and watched me dismantle my pride and joy, I mean, she could have at least have had the decency to turn her back or go and make me a nice hot tea, well am I hard done by or not? All I can say is that it’s a good job I worship the ground that lady walks on!

I’ve never had much luck to be quite honest, if I’d have been one of Raquel Welch’s triplets I’d have been the one on the bottle!

Ad seen in a local newspaper; For sale 2020 Diary and Calendar, brand new unused and still in box.

What is it with those people who insist on putting their cooked meals all over Facebook? You know the ones who put it on a plate and take a picture of it prior to eating, Me? I look at those pictures and thank the Lord I don’t have to live in that family!

Teachers Unions have urged schools not to open on Monday saying that the risk is far too great, schools in the London area are not opening. Liverpool Council are calling for a National lockdown, the figures today hit a new high with 57725 new cases, this brings the weekly total to 341,946 which is over 90,000 up om last week. The registered deaths for today were 445 giving a total of 4,090 for the week, that’s 760 up on last week.

Well, dear reader, that brings my diary to an end for yet another week, join me next Sunday for another 4000 words of my weekly ramblings, meanwhile, I’ll leave you with a view of the back garden from my office, oh and one of the Christmas presents from my Granddaughter Alisha who thought my Repair shop was lacking something.

Have a great week but stay safe.

It’s been emotional.