Diary of a self-isolator – Week 4  

A lighthearted look at the situation, please don’t take it too seriously.

Sunday 05/04/2020 – Day 21

Well, Mrs H and myself were up bright and early this morning to await the promised 20c sunshine that those who spend a fortune were predicting all week, at 11.45am we were still in our dressing gowns and still waiting, it was warmer yesterday than it is today, then lo and behold just before midday a UFO appeared in a bit of blue sky, the sun had at last made an appearance we got out our best Summer gear, rushing in case the big orange ball should change its mind, slipping on shorts, donning T shirts and  sunglasses, (we thought the old Sun tan Lotion might have been an item too far.) As we popped outside an Arctic wind hit us and back inside we went. The next hour was sort of hazy but warmish, so we pottered about in the garden for an hour, I got out the garden furniture pulling all the Winter tarpaulins off and folding them neatly,Mrs H supervised,  we then decided that was enough of that and cracked open a bottle of wine (for Mrs H) and a can of Guinness (for moi) and parked our derriere’s on aforementioned furniture.

I sat in the hazy sunshine drifting in and out of consciousness, when a terrible thought entered my head, when this whole thing is over what shall I do to celebrate, do I pop down the pub with all my mates, or do I book a candlelit meal for myself and Mrs H, well of course there’s no contest! It’s straight on the computer to inbox my mates and set it up!

Excellent news my darling daughter left 4 bags of Buttermints which should last a couple of days Yay!

Sad news today, Our Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s cough is worse and his temperature still high, the upshot is that he is being admitted to hospital as a ‘precaution’ it is thought that he can be better cared for by Doctors and nurses who are actually there, up till now it has been mostly telephone consultancy. Thankfully, the number of deaths are 87 down from yesterday at 621, but people all over the UK swarmed to beauty spots in the warm weather, will they never learn?

Monday 06/04/2020 – Day 22

Outside our house twixt road and pavement we have a big hollow which was a result of resurfacing five years ago, actually we feel quite special, my neighbour (lovely old gent) and myself are the only people in a 1 mile stretch of road that has one of these unusual indentations outside our homes. Let me explain, when it rains heavily this vast amount of water gets bigger and bigger, we are convinced that Nessie is alive and well in the murky depths, it enlarges so much that any mother taking their children to school has a strip of about two feet wide to manoeuvre past before getting their feet wet, should a car pass by at speed (which they do, believe me) then a wave that wouldn’t be out of place at Bondi beach washes over my neighbours wall which is five foot tall! It is so bad we have had enquiries from professional surfers – Mrs H said let them all come!

You would have thought that he’d be pleased to get his wall washed down on a regular basis, but no  – this is not clean water – this is an accumulation of every leaf that didn’t disintegrate over the Winter, everything the dog walkers ‘accidentally forgot’ to pick up, everything that people walking past decide to leave on my garden and I replace back in the street where it came from, in short it is a lake of brown swirling whatever, that goes over his wall and into his garden on a rainy day. We have lovingly called it Lake Superior. This my way of reporting to Mrs  H as she lies in bed drinking  Latte  that Lake Superior is back and  it pisitively possed down overnight.

Where was I? Oh yes, it pisitively possed down last night and Lake Superior had made its first appearance for nearly four weeks. The blame for this must be put squarely on Mrs H’s shoulders ( I can hear the groans and sympathy for that poor downtrodden lady) It was her idea to unwrap the garden furniture, in fact, if I may be so bold, her last words to our neighbour yesterday were, “it’ll probably pour down tonight now we’ve (we’ve?) got all the furniture out”

Been having a lot of trouble with my Internet over the past two days, it appears that everyone else has too, got so bad today that I decided to reboot my two year old second wife (that’s what Mrs H calls it because I spend more time on it than with her lol).

Sadly, Boris Johnson was moved into Intensive care yesterday, everyone is saying a prayer for him for a speedy recovery.

The good news is that the death toll for the past 24 hours is well down again to 439, I am a natural worrier, although these figures are low, will this entice those who don’t give a Castlemaine xxxx for anyone but themselves onto the streets again, we certainly shouldn’t get complacent there are harder times to come.

Tuesday 07/04/2020 – Day 23

Had a very strange dream last night, the sun was shining brightly and the trees were in full leaf,  there was a queue which stretched all through town at some shops, people old and young in Summer attire and wearing sunglasses waited patiently, there was no Social distancing and everyone chatted freely, they must have been hippies because everyone had hair down to their backsides, curious I followed one of the lines until I reached the front, turned out that it was the queue for the Barber shop after self -isolating ended, really must stop eating cheese late at night!

Strangely Morrisons supermarket are the only ones that don’t seem to be getting a grip of the coronavirus crisis, I can log on to all the top supermarkets most days and get a slot if needed, but Morrisons site says permanently –

You are currently placed in a queue

We apologise for the wait. We are working hard to facilitate the demand and you may have to wait longer than usual to access the website.

Please note, unfortunately we currently have no available delivery slots and our contact center do not have any other access to delivery slots.

If you want to edit an order already placed which has a delivery date outside 72 hours, please wait.

Can’t get out for essentials? We’ll bring them to you. Please visit Morrisons food boxes.

For more information please visit our help hub.

We are doing everything we can to increase the number of delivery slots and capacity we can accommodate.

Thank you for your ongoing support as we work through these challenges.

Number of users in queue ahead of you: 14231
Your estimated wait time is: 14 minutes

14231 users ahead of me? I thought I was back in the Barbers queue for a moment!

At around 10.30 am I was woken from my daydreams by a loud rap on the door and several rings -nay thumps – of my doorbell, I have seen drug officers make quieter entrances! I ran to the front door half expecting it to be lay on the floor being trampled over by loud burly policemen wearing riot gear, but no, the only thing on the floor was a box of groceries and our friend from last week in the spacesuit waving goodbye, Mrs H shouted down to leave it where it was as it could be infected! I don’t think so, the way the delivery chap was dressed had it been night -time he would have glowed in the dark! Anyway, Mrs H mauled the box in and perused the contents, it was exactly the same contents as last week, right down to the three week old bread, (which of course had been frozen)This sounds very ungrateful but believe me I am not, this box of goodies is a lifeline to many elderly and isolated people, the Government should be praised to the hilt for this gift to the vulnerable.

Anyway, as with last week the contents will be shared between my neighbours who are older than us and not online, so unable to access the boxes. Then Mrs H came out with a little gem that I thought I would share with you;

Mrs H     What if the government are deliberately infecting these boxes, then sending them out to all the old people, so they don’t have to pay them pension?

My flabber was well and truly ghasted, I mean, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

As I feared yesterday, the figures for the last 24 hours have sadly once again shot up, the total deaths were 786, this is the highest figure to date and reminds us all not to let our guard down, with the weather due to pick up over the Easter weekend I feel complacency will set in and those ‘It’ll never happen to me’ travellers will be blocking roads to the sea, I sincerely hope that I am proved wrong. Meanwhile our esteemed Prime Minister Boris remains in Intensive Care, although official sources say that his health is improving and that he is not on a ventilator.

Wednesday 08/04/2020 – Day 24

Woke up at 5.30am with the sun streaming through the windows, the forecast was good so it looked like a day in the garden, a few years ago we dug out two large islands in a big expanse of lawn, it was done to break it up a little, but Mrs H head gardener, has now decided that she no longer wants those beds, of course, the lovely lady won’t admit that she cannot manage more than a few hours a day on her knees weeding , deadheading and planting. Having said that, gone are the days when we would both pop into the garden at 8,00 am and still be there at 8.00pm, Mrs H for the love of it and myself to collect brownie points for a visit to the local. We tend to venture out now around 11.00 am and stop about 3.00pm, just four paltry hours and we’re whacked! Anyway, I digress, having got the two areas ready I nipped inside to see if anyone was actually delivering the green and brown stuff, first phone call was a triumph, the young lady was really nice and sociable – that was, until I told her how much I wanted – her manner and voice soon changed, “we don’t do deliveries under 20 square metres” no  apology or anything just that snotty statement, so I am ashamed to say that the Victor Meldrew side of me reared its ugly head, “Oh that’s ok, so if I doubled my order I would be alright then?” suddenly the polite young lady was back, “Yes Sir, that would be fine”,  “That’s wonderful” I replied, I ordered a vast amount of the green stuff then she asked me for a delivery address, “Where do you live” I asked, there was a short silence, “Why do you want to know  that” she replied, “I would like it to be delivered to your house” I said, “ Then you’ll have something to lie on when your miserable company goes bust because they can’t be bothered with domestic orders, Goodbye”,

Mrs H gave me one of her I wish you wouldn’t special looks that can kill the unsuspecting at ten paces, I wiped the satisfied smirk off my face!

I managed to get a delivery from an online company,  but the problem was that they couldn’t deliver for a week – unless of course I paid an extra £20 – they could then fit me in for Saturday, Even in these dire times we still live in rip off Britain, a glance from Mrs H and I reluctantly agreed to cough up the extra. It would be delivered by courier on Saturday between 2 and 5pm.

Being completely bored in the afternoons gets my old mind working overtime, I began toying with the idea of switching the labels on Mrs H’s spice jars to get my own back, but being the wise old Sage that I am I decided against it for now, but her Thyme is cumin lol!

Dear old Boris remains in intensive care, but anyone listening to the wavering voices at the podiums in No10 must surely be worried, it is with great sadness that I have to report a further 943 died since yesterday in the UK, this is the highest figure to date and people should be very concerned.

Thursday 09/04/2020 – Day 25

I don’t know about you lovely people but I love my music, any sort of music with three exceptions, Jazz, Punk and Rap, I can listen to a song and be immediately be transported to an earlier time, for example, I can hear Matt Monroe singing ‘Walk Away’ and I am once again 12 years old in my Mum’s kitchen on a Sunday lunchtime, the smell of roast beef fills the nostrils and Matt’s mellow voice comes courtesy of Two Way family favourites from the leather lined radio sat amongst the condensation running down the kitchen window, happy days.

Anyway, my point is that I rise every morning and put Alexa on, I usually listen to Gold radio, but sometimes opt for Smooth, the news had just started with a report that nearly made me choke on my Weetabix, apparently, Manchester police had been called to over 500 illegal parties in the past few days, there were organised BBQ’s and some even had their own DJ’s! Can you believe that there are so many thoughtless people in this country, our nurses and doctors on the frontline are actually dying and these selfish b’s decide to party, I will get off this subject before I swear!

In the afternoon I had a phone call from the couriers, a chirpy young chap asked after my health ( One of those nudge, nudge, know what I mean merchants) and then said that if I was available on Friday they may be able to deliver my turf, Well, I was over the moon and readily agreed, When I told Mrs H she thought for a moment and said “Didn’t you pay an extra £20 to have it delivered on a Saturday?” Straight back on the phone to the suppliers to ask if I get my £20 refunded as the couriers now didn’t have to work Saturday, “I’m sorry Sir” came the curt reply, “But you paid for early delivery not weekend delivery, we just squeezed you in on the Saturday”. As I said, welcome to rip off Britain!

Sadly. there were another 881 deaths in the last 24 hours, down on the previous day, but we have learned by now not to become too complacent, out of 73758 people infected the total deaths were now 8958 with just 135 recovered. Boris it seems, gets better by the day and the good news was that he was now out of Intensive care.

Friday 10/04/2020 – Day 26

Awake bright and early this morning, turf is on the way but no idea what time so best to be prepared, Mrs H has also been online and ordered some compost and a few plants from a local nursery, problem is we don’t know if they are coming today or tomorrow, we await in anticipation!

Had just poured my milk over my four (what? I’m a growing lad, trouble is it’s growing round and not up) Weetabix when the front door bell rang, fortunately, Mrs H had decided to haul her backside out of bed a bit earlier and answered the door to a chap who informed her that he had a pallet of turf for us, after ten minutes of puffing and blowing he managed to pull the pallet onto the gravel drive I would normally have assisted but not in these dire times.

So, I finished my breakfast and went outside to inspect my purchase, I had gone for the hard-wearing, middle-priced turf, as I approached the pallet my heart sank, there didn’t seem to be enough, I had ordered 12 square metres but there were only 12 rolls! I barrowed three to the back garden and rolled one out, I was convinced that there should have been 24 rolls, that was how it was always delivered before. I went back into the house fuming and picked the phone up, then something in the dark recesses of my little mind said ‘Go and Measure a piece first’, I got my tape and strolled down the garden, yes the roll of turf was wider than usual, yes, the roll of turf was longer than normal and yes, each piece was a square metre! So I sort of sulked nay slumped back into the house;

Mrs H     I thought you were going to phone them?

Me          Nah, it should be ok, I’ll make it stretch.

Mrs H     It’s all there isn’t it?

Me          Yep!

Having swallowed my male pride it was back outside to start laying the turf, at this point I hadn’t realised it was a bad decision to wear a white T shirt whilst handling wet turf. It took me as long as it took to pick up the first roll to realise my mistake, within minutes I resembled a professional mud wrestler, to add insult to injury, my hair was so long that I could easily have been mistaken for a female mud wrestler! The turf wasn’t the best considering the extortionate price I had paid, it had been cut far too thinly and the edges were falling apart as I handled them, Alan Titchmarsh would have sent the whole bloody lot back, but I didn’t have that luxury, so like a true Britisher I stopped whingeing and made do. Rip off Britain 3 customer 0 so far. The annoying thing was that I had spent hours previously making sure that the ground was perfect, level and no stones, but the turf was so badly excavated the there were dips and bulges in the grass itself. But I persevered and within two hours the old turf was nicely blending in with the new, I knelt down and eyed along the surface, much like a golfer making an important putt, I scrambled along tapping down a rise here and there till it was perfect, then Mrs H brought me a cup off tea out and walked straight over it!

After repairing the indentations it was out with the oscillating sprinkler to give it a good watering, then it was upstairs to get showered and changed, I felt a lot fresher as I sat down to watch the five o clock bulletin on BBC, as usual, I got the main gist of it and as usual, I dropped off to sleep in the comfort of my reclining chair.

It was 6.30 when Mrs H woke me to have my tea, “are you having a bath?” I asked bleary eyed, ‘No, why?’ came the reply. “But I can hear water runn – oh shxx”

I ran down the garden and had trodden in about 3 inches of soggy lawn before I realised that I had my best Guinness slippers on!

As I said Boris was now out of intensive care, reports said he was actually walking around but still quite weak, still he was heading the right way, we had the highest daily total number of deaths in the past 24 hours, it was a staggering 980, people keep moaning saying we should be showing the number of recoveries to cheer us all up, but unfortunately the number  of recoveries are so low that it would probably demoralise most people.

Saturday 11/04/2020 – day 27

Up with the lark this morning because I was suddenly awoken by the thought that I was running out of Weetabix, yes, I know, sounds trivial, but there are only three things I love and need in my life (Apart from Mrs H, children and Grandchildren of course) not necessary in the right order they are Buttermints, Guinness and Weetabix.

I have been having Emails all week saying you are now priority for online ordering, buy your groceries from us, blah, blah blah! So the first place I try are the old stalwarts Sainsbury’s, been ordering from them since day one and it saves me changing the order, but because I had a break last week and didn’t order anything – yes you’ve guessed it – no slots available!

So, on to Tesco’s it was, forgot my password and had to go through the rigmarole that has become ‘forgotten your password’,  all done, straight onto the site, I had more chance of knitting fog than getting a slot with them. Morrisons still had the same 14321 customers waiting from Tuesday, No, I tell a lie, it is actually 14320 but the waiting time is 21 minutes and they still hadn’t got any slots.

Then I remembered something, Asda messaged me last Monday, I got onto their site and tapped on deliveries with a feint heart, I scrolled down and down and – suddenly, there it was,  the Holy Grail,  that elusive delivery slot for Thursday 16^th between 5pm and 7pm, I slammed my overweight digit on the button, got it! It was mine all mine, at this stage Mrs H walked in and I decided I should calm down, we sat down and selected our order, got to the end and pressed checkout, it then decided at this late stage to inform us that nine of the items we had ordered were out of stock, that is so annoying, I mean, our order isn’t coming for another five days, are they really going to be out of cooking onions, tomato ketchup and Buttermints until then, do they no longer have deliveries from a warehouse?

Good News, Boris is still up and about talking watching TV and playing games, his lovely fiancée is sending him up to date scans of their expected baby and writes to him regularly, I was wondering why they didn’t facetime each other, Sadly another 917 have lost their lives in the last 24 hours.

Let’s say a silent prayer today for all those that have become victims of this virus and especially their families. But more importantly, let’s all stay home, stay safe and keep others safe. Happy Easter to you.

See you all next week – God willing.