Diary of a self-isolator – week 28

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 20/09/2020 – Day 189

We have another wonderful day of sunshine ahead of us which apparently will last  until Wednesday (depending on whether you are North or South) and then all hell is going to break loose, well not quite, it’ll just seem like it after the recent dry spell.

I have news on the Minnie/Mickey mouse saga, it was as I thought, the old traps weren’t working properly, so on Saturday I set two new ones, suffice to say that Mickey is no longer alas. Someone suggested that I get a humane trap and let the poor little mite go a few miles away, but I am still on lockdown and the nearest I could let it go is the bottom of the garden, in which case he would be greeting us again on the evening.

The other thing that happened last week if you remember – I ordered a new gadget to precision drill holes for making furniture, I realised to my horror after I had paid that they were a Chinese company with an American address, I had a really dodgy email from them which proved that they hadn’t got an English phase book with  them when they typed it. Anyway, the ‘Jig’ I ordered came this morning, it was a strange looking thing, it looked just like a set of five drills in a cheap plastic case, that’s probably because that is exactly what they were!

I emailed the Chinese takeaway and complained that they had sent me the wrong item, the item they had sent I could have bought from Screwfix for £7.99, this was the reply

“Oh no Mr Harvey, this what you say you want, we send  right item, you tick wrong box, but you have right item at 10%off, we very generous, we good company.”

If dreams possibly do come true the sender of that email is now lay face down on a bed in an operating theatre waiting to have that jig removed from where I suggested he shove it.

I will put this one down to experience and remember that whatever the address says, I must never buy from facebook again.

Just one more thing to catch up on from last week, if you recall, George was in the doghouse having forgotten his girlfriend Rose’s birthday, apparently all is once again well in his house after he went home worse for wear on Friday night and stood outside playing Slim Whitman’s ‘Rose Marie’ on his phone as he mimed the words, I reckon she forgave him because the neighbours were all coming outside. He told her later that he was going to play the theme to ‘Rosie and Jim’ on the ragdoll, but thankfully he couldn’t find the music.

Matt Hancock warned that the virus could be with us until next Summer! Health secretary Hancock warned over the weekend that the UK is at a “tipping point” and wouldn’t rule out a second national lockdown. This on a day when there were 3899 more new cases and another 18 deaths that were covid related.

Monday 21/09/2020 – Day 190

It is a dull as dishwater day out there today, but we are promised that the cloud will clear and the sun will once again pop out to cheer even the most miserable among us.

Mrs H and I are playing the waiting game today, I am waiting on my friendly electrician who may or may not be with me, all depending on whether or not he gets his other job completed, I am also awaiting an order of wood glue and a separate order of super glue, I hope the people delivering don’t think I have a problem with sniffing the stuff lol!

Mrs H meanwhile is waiting on a blouse from last week and a delivery of compost and plants, not in the same delivery you understand.

I could not stand that Flymo for one more cut, so I ordered another Bosch, which although I know it’s German is the best mower I ever had, it cuts right to the edge and there is no mess to clear up, I rolled out the new mower for the first time today and within half an hour my lawn was looking like a bowling green, I know it doesn’t mean much to you but to me it was sheer heaven.

On this day in 1327 Deposed King Edward II of England was murdered, with a red hot poker in Berkeley Castle, Gloucestershire by order of his wife, to ensure the succession of his son Edward III, those wives didn’t mess about in those days did they, Mrs H has been asking for a real fire for a few years now, I wonder why mmm.

Another story on the wife front today was that in 1915 Stonehenge was sold at auction to Mr C H Chubb for £6,600 as a present for his wife. Mr Chubb presented it to the nation three years later as his wife didn’t think it suited her. Well to be honest which wife in her right mind would want a pile of old stone for their anniversary, when he said he had bought her stone for a surprise she probably thought it was going to be a ruby or even diamond! Can you imagine the disappointment when she opened the box and there was a picture of Stonehenge.

And finally today in history 1986 Prince Charles admitted that he talked to his plants. Ever since that revelation plants have continued to be nagged by women (including Mrs H) all over the country, still, it gives us chaps a break eh!

On a day when the country’s top advisors Professor Chris Whitty and Sir Patrick Vallance warned that we are at tipping point – there was a sharp rise in new cases once again, there were 4368 cases in the past 24 hours with a further 11 deaths.

Tuesday 22/09/2020 – Day 191

Cor blimey Guv, woke up to a real pea-souper this morning, the fog here was quite dense warning of the changing weather and welcoming in the Autumnal climate, problem is that we have all been spoiled for the past couple of weeks with the warmer weather so there’ll be a lot of people pressing that central heating switch this morning, not in this house of course – Mrs H is always hot! Although she can be a bit grumpy in the morning, I took her regular morning Latte into her this morning and greeted her with:

“Good morning sweetness, light of my life, oh jewel of the morning” her response?

“Ok, who are you and what have you done with my husband”.

It was on this day in 1955 that Independent Television (ITV) began operating. Only six minutes of advertisements were allowed each hour (sheer bliss) and there was no Sunday morning TV permitted (more bliss). The first advertisement screened was for Gibbs SR toothpaste.

The launch night began at 7.15pm, with a four-minute trailer announcing, “Commercial television is here!” and promising “variety, drama, features, sport, pageantry, children’s programmes, women’s programmes” and “personalities”.

After wishing the “citizens of London Godspeed” and “good luck, all!” to its team, ITV then moved to a live broadcast from London’s Guildhall, where a gala dinner was being held to celebrate the start of independent television and where speakers included the Postmaster General and the Lord Mayor.

The rest of ITV’s schedule that night included an hour of drama excerpts starring Sir John Gielgud and Alec Guinness, a variety show featuring entertainers such as Hughie Green and Harry Secombe, a boxing match, and news broadcasts. A five-minute religious programme called Epilogue brought the night to a close at 11pm.

What everyone was really interested in seeing, however, were the adverts. ITV featured 23 in all – promoting everything from Cadbury’s chocolate to Esso petrol – and the very first one went out at 8.12pm. It was a minute-long commercial for Gibbs SR toothpaste: “the tingling fresh toothpaste that does your gums good, too”.

The toothpaste commercial’s place in British TV history was somewhat random – it had won a lottery against 23 other advertisements to be shown first that night

Heard back from the Chinese takeaway people after I accused them of running a scam:

Thanks for contacting us.

No, we are no a scam, we are honest. You didn’t check the selected product carefully. That’s no our fault. How about we apply a 15% discount code for your next order and you can buy the jig at a cheaper price.

If you have any questions or problems, please contact us directly for assistance, rather than reporting us.
This is so harmful to us. We are just a small growing company, and due to the epidemic, we are in a very difficult time.
Hope you give us more understanding so that we can survive in the special time. Thank you in advance. Have a great day

So, I can get a 15% discount on the jig I originally ordered for £25.99, problem is that it has now gone up to £49.99 – but don’t worry, it’s not a scam! I don’t think I’ll bother.

It’s been a day of events today with Boris firstly addressing the Commons this morning and then addressing the Nation at 8.00pm this evening, we are all going to be governed by stricter rules, but not temporarily, these rules are expected to be in place for the next six months, this sadly, covers the Christmas period, including Christmas day, which means millions of families will be unable to see each other. This is due to another sharp increase in new cases, they were up to 4926 today, there was also a sharp increase in the death total, up to 37.

Wednesday 23/09/2020 – Day 192.

I’m having a bit of a tidy up in my repair shop while I wait for my electrician pal, Mrs H reckons we really need a mini skip, you know, one of those big metal box things that you fill with rubbish. The problem is – do I really want a ten ton lorry laden with a two ton skip driving over my newly laid block paving, Nah I think not, I’ll do a Johnny Cash on it and put it in my dustbin ‘One Piece At A Time’ (1976) well, it’ll be a bit more than that, but then – both my neighbours dustbins have hardly anything in them, very handy on these dark evenings,  I may just volunteer to put them out for them.

While I was tidying up I’d left the back gate open as we were expecting my medication (No, not that sort)  I was moving wood when I heard a familiar voice:

“Morning young man”

“Morning George, aren’t you supposed to be going shopping, it’s Wednesday”

“Just on my way, saw the gate open and thought I’d pop in and say hello”

At this point Mrs H bought out a cup of tea.

“Morning George, would you like a quick cuppa?”

“Very nice Linda, thank you”

George knows she hates being called Linda, she re-appeared with another cup and handed it to him

“I hope you’ve washed your hands”.

“Washed em” said George, “in fact I’ve washed em so much in the last week that I’ve discovered an old night club stamp from 1984”.

I laughed, Mrs H wasn’t impressed.

But, breaking news! as Mrs H scoured Georges empty cup she said that I should ‘spend a bit of money’ on the repair shop so I can basically use it more in the Winter, I had suggested cladding the walls and roof in timber some time ago. All I have at the moment is a concrete sectional garage with an asbestos (safe asbestos I hasten to add) roof. Her words hadn’t really settled in my ears before I was on the computer checking out the prices, I checked everyone and guess who came up cheapest – good old B & Q.

The upshot is that it’ll be with me on Thursday and we are around £150 worse off, a lot of money to ease Mrs H’s conscience about spending all that money on clothes – oh, hush my mouth, did I really think that out loud!

So, I have basically spent most of the day in the Repair shop sorting out stuff ready for the big transformation, also stuff I probably didn’t need,  I searched every box, every shelf, I even got down on my hands and knees picking up all the rubbish (sweet papers) I had dropped over the last couple of months, By the time I had finished sorting everything out it was turned four o clock, all I had to show for three hours work was an empty paint tin, Mrs H reckons I’m a hoarder and I was beginning to think she may be right as I threw the empty paint can in the dustbin, within minutes I had retrieved it thinking that perhaps I could use it for mixing paint, yes, Mrs H is definitely right, I wonder if there’s a group for like-minded people like me, The HH perhaps (Happy Hoarders).

Another sharp increase in new cases today, they were up by a massive 1250 to 6178, deaths were still rising at 38.

Thursday 24/09/2020 – Day 193

Wet as a window cleaners rag this morning, but all you ever hear is ‘It’ll do the garden good’.

I was straight on to the computer to catch up with my mail etc, the Chinese takeaway are still  trying to sell me their jig for 20% off the price now. It doesn’t matter what I say to them they just keep coming back with “It no our Fault, It your fault for choosing wrong item” So as a final email I sent them this reply:

‘It’s not my fault that you changed the advert after I ordered the jig, it’s your fault for inflicting coronavirus on me, I would have bought this from a shop under normal circumstances, so it’s not my fault it’s your fault, and by the way, your £59’99 jig is available on e bay for £18.99, which means that I could have bought the drills you sent and the jig you didn’t send for just £25.99, Now that IS my fault for being a total pratt, good day!’

I await their reply in the morning, it’ll probably say ‘It not our fault you could buy cheaper, it your fault for choosing best company, we are good’.

I had just finished typing my reply and sat back feeling very smug when the doorbell rang – several times, I had no choice but to answer the door in my dressing gown. It was the B&Q delivery driver, I looked at my watch it said 7.45. I looked at the driver who was feeling quite proud by the look on his boat race.

“Delivery for Mr Harvey, MDF Boards”

“Did I miss something on the news that said we’re about to be hit by a nuclear bomb?”

“Pardon?” said the driver.

“It’s just that you’re here so early, it’s usually an evening drop with your lot”.

“Oh, right Sir, very droll, I’ll drop it on the drive then shall I?”

Four Weetabix and umpteen cups of tea later and I am out in the repair shop eagerly dragging the first of a dozen eight foot by four foot MDF sheets into the garage to be cut to size, the electrician was coming after lunch so I was keen to get the one side boarded  ready.

It was 4,00pm when I finished, the electrician must have been held up on his other job, so I locked everything up, bolted the back gate and went in for my tea. I had just put the first spoonful in my mouth when the doorbell rang, it was the electrician, he  was all masked up, had a quick look and said he’d be back at 11.00 am tomorrow.

We were regaled by the Chancellor on TV news tonight, despite attempts to avoid helping businesses he has had to do a U turn to help them out with a package of deals, He has once again avoided the question of the extremely vulnerable, yet lockdown will inevitably happen soon, I don’t know why he fudges around the subject. Meanwhile another substantial increase in New cases, a further 500 brings the total up to 6634, just eight days ago they were 3100, there was also a further 40 deaths today.

Friday 24/09/2020 – Day 194

Brrrr! Bit parky out there this morning, the wind is very icy and very blustery with it, straight out to the repair shop to get ready for the electrician, which meant cutting the socket holes for the new stuff, downloaded a lot of new songs on the phone so ready to go. It all went really well actually, by the time the sparky arrived everything was ready for him. He fitted all the boxes and will return on Monday to finish off when I have hopefully finished the boarding.

George popped around on his way to town, I reckon he likes Mrs H’s hot drinks, he  reckons he has found the perfect coronavirus testing kit, You have to pour a healthy measure of Whisky, rum or gin into a glass and then see if you can smell it, if you can then taste it, if you can taste it then it is a fair assumption that you are free of the virus.

He tested himself nine times last night and was virus free every time.

But, this morning he got up with a headache which is another symptom, so he is forced to repeat the tests during the day.

I was having a lovely day until Mrs H reminded me that the battery from the ‘bell from hell’ needed charging, my heart sank, it is one of those damn video bells that supposedly show everyone who comes to the door, last month we bought a new SD card to go with it, this little device will apparently keep a record of all callers, ours is an Express One bell, there is nothing wrong with the product, the problems start when you need to do something with it, Like today, I need to put this card in, but does it show you how to get into the device, No!, So I rely on good old You Tube, I put in the name of the video doorbell and there are plenty of ads for accessories, but is there anything to tell you how to get into  the thing, No!

The back-up service is absolutely diabolical, just the basic instruction on a bit of paper and nothing anywhere online. After a really frustrating hour I managed to work out how it came apart, I put the thing back in it’s bracket and everything was working fine – except that Mrs H’s phone is not recognising the device, Grrrr!

I can build most things, I could renovate a dilapidated building without any problem, but technology is well beyond me, surely, we could live without it? I don’t remember having headaches when we had that lovely white doorbell, people rang it and we magically appeared.

OMG! Just when I thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, Mrs H has just informed me that Steps are getting back together!

The number of new cases continues to rise at a pace, today there were 6874, a rise of 250 on yesterday, there were also a further 34 deaths.

Saturday 26/09/2020 – Day 195

Very nippy again this morning, had there been any snowmen around they certainly wouldn’t have melted! Shocking news about all those students in lockdown this morning, dragged away from home to start their studies only to find that there are a lot of infected students already there, they are now taking lessons on their laptops – which they could have done from the warmth and safety of their own homes.

Our thoughts are with the family of murdered Sergeant Matt Ratana, may that brave man rest in peace.

Been out in the repair shop all day, it is now ready for the electrician to return on Monday to finish his part, must say, it’s looking good, Mrs H reckons I only need an armchair and a case of beer to complete the scenario, I have no idea what she’s hinting at.

Deciding on whether or not to push my luck on the local lottery, Oh yes, I forgot to tell you last week that I won £200, for a £20 stake, and that was the second prize! The first prize was £800!

There was a slight drop in New cases today, but still over 6000 at 6042, and there were also another 34 deaths.

Well. That’s it for this week, I thought I might leave you with a poem from my new book A poetic trip along memory Lane at Amazon. All the poems are nostalgic, make a great stocking filler!

I remember it well, like it was yesterday
Those long hot summers when we used to play,
Over in the fields or down by the stream
Now a lifetime away or so it would it seem.

But cast your mind back to when we were young
When children had manners and watched their tongue,
The old Grocers shop did Mums shopping on tick
And the Doctor called round if you were sick.

The home telephone was two streets away
And a whistling milkman was heard every day,
The coalman’s face was all sweaty and black
As mother watched that he didn’t drop slack.

The rent man called every Friday night
We’d crouch behind the sofa – out of sight,
No-one had garages or even car ports
And beer at home meant Davenports.

When Saturday morning was spent at the flicks
Or down in the town where we’d get our kicks,
Teachers and Policemen would fill us with fear
Misbehaving meant a clip around the ear!

The kitchen was the warmest room in the house
Where a sharp shiny nit comb was used to delouse,
At least one drawer was a great treasure trove
And the kettle whistled constantly on the stove.

When the front door was opened a rush of air
Ensured the paraffin heater would often flare
Licking the ceiling with its orange flames
And dried condensation on window frames.

A real roaring fire kept us warm at night
But Jack Frost would call by morning light.
His art on the window a real master class
Not on the outside but inside of the glass!

You’d wake in the morning and could see your breath
Bare feet on cold lino you could catch your death!
Pull on long socks with newly darned heel
Over that cut on your knee that won’t heal.

You’d sit toasting crumpets on an open fire
Watching TV hoping the bob didn’t expire
Before Sugarfoot had caught his man
Or the Indians had surrounded Cheyenne.

When Mothers made sure that the washing was white
Morphy Richards iron was plugged into the light
Stair rods held the carpet safely on the stairs
Where we slid down the bannister on our derriere’s.

Cow horn handlebars upright on our bikes
Or the bread bins on the back of those red trikes
Roller skates to skin your elbows and knees
Sliding down grass or climbing high into trees.

These childhood memories are stored in my mind
When neighbours were welcoming, friendly and kind
Memories that can never be taken away
Memories I will tell my Grandchildren one day.

It’s been emotional, please, please – stay safe out there and God willing we’ll all be back next week.