Diary of a self-isolator – week 22

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 09/08/2020 – Day 147

Morning everyone and welcome to another week of absolute drivel that is guaranteed to get you back to sleep on a Sunday morning, here in Kidderminster – where we are supposedly having a heatwave – it was still darkish at 6.30 this morning. The whole sky is over-cast and it looks like we may have snow! Only kidding.

Well, this is the final day of week 21, who’d have thought 147 days ago that I’d have over a thousand people following me, I really must pay my debts!

I have just got to tell you what happened to my son Mark yesterday. He is a builder and had an enquiry from someone in Hereford, as it was a roof job he decided to take his ladders which meant taking his van, as he thought he’d take his wife to lunch he also took her along to drive so he could have a liquid lunch.

He saw the job and had a look around a very quiet Hereford town, on the way back they stopped for lunch, on the approach they came to a low bridge, Mark remembered he had the ladders on top and told his wife to be careful going through, no problem!

Then’ as they reached Bewdley (A Georgian town about two miles away) they decided to stop, have a look around and Mark could have a drink.

On the approach to the car park Mark saw the bar across the top of the enrance which told him the headroom – but for some unknown reason it just didn’t register in his brain,

They went through- well, actually the van went partly through – the contents on top didn’t! They heard an almighty crunch and Mark looked back to see his roof ladder and other ladders lying at the entrance on top of a very expensive roof rack.

My son is not known for his genteel manner, and it didn’t help that a queue was forming behind him and those people in the line were all struggling to suppress laughter. Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, his temper got the worse of him and he thrust the ladders into the back of the van – breaking the windscreen in the process…They decided to give Bewdley a miss under the circumstances..

You couldn’t make it up could you, I hope he got the job lol!

I have to report to you that the normally dextourous Mrs H is not too good, she has what we think is either a trapped nerve or she has pulled a muscle in her shoulder blade, so I am looking after her as best I can, I do the watering of the garden, and the washing – up’ alas, I am useless in the kitchen, Mrs H is only a smidge above me (just joking my darling) and unless she wants to live on beans on toast for the duration she must soldier on with the meals, that sounds really chauvinistic but it wasn’t meant to be. She needs a nice cuddle to keep her going – back in a minute.

Monday 10/08/2020 – Day 148

Here we go with week 22 or two little ducks as all Bingo fans will know. The day has once again started quite grey, they keep telling us that Britain is sweltering in 30-35 degrees of sunshine but we are getting the heat and no sun.

Remember the large roof I replaced a couple of weeks ago? Well it has a sort of an annex where our  swinging settee lives and where – when the sun can be bothered to show – we relax and rest, swinging idly like a pair of young starstruck lovers. Today I am going to fit a new corrugated sheet to a part of that roof which is still exposing the settee to the elements when it rains, a lot easier said than done, as it has to slide beneath the roof I have just completed, why oh why do I cause myself such pain I ask myself.

Anyway, I built the framework to hold the sheet as the delectable Mrs H sat genteelly on the swinging settee offering all sorts of useless advice, I was determined that I wasn’t going to disturb my new roof – which would have been the easier option –  after an hour of cursing and sweating the sheet was finally in place.

In the distance we could hear the rumblings of thunder, within minutes it was getting closer, it hadn’t really gone dark so I wasn’t in any rush to put my power tools away,

“It’s going to rain” said the wise Mrs H.

“No, it’s going over” said the know it all stood less than two feet away.

Then one almighty clap of thunder and all hell broke loose, by the time I’d put my precious tools under cover and shut the doors on the house I was a soggy mess, there must have been some severe flash flooding in our area, it was as though God had decided to revive the ‘Water bucket Challenge’. (remember that, when you had to sit down while someone poured a bucket of freezing cold water over you, bit like bath time when I was a nipper). Lake Geneva outside the house had appeared in a matter of minutes, the rainwater bounced up off the road about six inches and car window wipers couldn’t cope, then after about five minutes the sun was out and everything was drying up beautifully.

Well there couldn’t have been a better way to test the roof, and it passed with flying colours I have to say. our swinging settee was as dry as a bone as Mrs H and myself once again swung into oblivion helped on our way with pints of cold water.

The pints of water are part of our new diet, instead of copious amounts of hot tea we now attempt to drink our local water authorities reserves dry. Apparently it gives you a good youthful complexion, in which case I should resemble one of the water babies by the end of the week.

I have to admit though the Nigella Lawson of our house commonly known as Mrs H has certainly come up with the goods as far as food is concerned, I’ve hardly noticed anything dietary, yet I am eating really healthily, I have never yet felt hungry between meals – but then – perhaps it’s because I am constantly full of council pop (water to the uninitiated).

Very close to where I was working was a pigeon sat on its nest, It saw me and I saw it, we had a bit of a staring competition but the damn bird won easily, it just kept staring and sitting as I was drilling the new sheet down, with all the commotion and row I was making you’d have thought it would fly away, but no, not this pigeon, it is so full of complacency, this is the same pigeon along with her partner, that leaves its calling card all over my decking and Mrs H’s washing, I would have got rid of it but it looks as though it’s nesting, so I can’t do that, but if that husband of hers leaves one more white mountain – suffice to say,  I won’t be responsible for my actions.

Well the last part of the day was very sunny as usual, which means that we will have to have Oscar in the bedroom again, Oscar is the oscillating fan and also the only fan I have in the bedroom.

Tuesday 11/08/2020 – Day 149

Lovely warm start to the day today, Mrs H is still not feeling too good, so rest and more rest is the order of the day. But none for me alas, I have jobs to do, today I am doing the penultimate job on the front of the house, I am going to strip – calm down ladies – the wooden side gate and give it a couple of coats of the old white paint and hopefully it will look as good as the fencing alongside of it. It’s a shame really that we have to have this fence at the side of the house, but it is a reflection of the society we live in sadly, I once watched a programme on TV by an ex burglar who was giving us all sorts off tips to stop people getting into your property, one of them was never to put a wheely bin by your fence, it can be used to literally ‘hop’ over and open the gate within seconds.

They had more success than me with those gates then, when I was helping our local milkman, I was about 11 years old, well before that dreaded paper round, there was a milkman in our street who worked for the Co-op dairies, he had one of those electric floats that didn’t do much above 10mph, I used to go and help him on weekends, Ron was only in his early twenties but as fit as a Butchers dog, he had the biggest round on the co-op which included our street, it was basically up at 5.00am and delivering by 6.00am.

We had some great times on that milk float, bombing down the main roads at 10miles per hour, Ron had a few of his favourite customers as well, mostly young daughters who would make sure they were appropriately dressed on his arrival, but there were a few naughty housewives as well, over the course of my first weekend I went from wanting to be a policeman or soldier to wanting desperately to have my own round as a milkman.

Back then a lot of the customers paid with plastic Co-op tokens, this meant that they could leave payment out without being disturbed in the morning, and of course, it was a lot safer than leaving cash out, you’d be surprised how many people did though, you certainly couldn’t do it today.

As I  said, we had some real laughs, especially some of the scribbled notes that were rolled up and placed into the neck of the empties, these are some I can vaguely remember;

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

Dear milkman, I have just had a baby and would like another one.

No milk please, and don’t leave any milk at No 13 as he is dead until further notice.

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

But my real favourite was this one, I’ve never forgotten it “Sorry, but I’ve lost my milk tokens, but if you knock on the door perhaps we can find another way to pay.” I passed the note to Ron and his face was a picture, the woman at that house was in her eighties!

Another favourite of the time was those milk bottle crates for the customer, it had a little clock or a dial on it which would tell the milkman how many they wanted, one night some little miscreants went over almost the whole of the estate altering the dials to almost treble the amount, we hadn’t got half way round when we had to turn back to the depot for more milk, by the time we got back there the depot had been inundated with calls about excess milk lol.

Wednesday 12/08/2020 – day 150

Four and a half hours sleep last night and the same the night before, it’s not that it’s too hot, we have a brilliant fan in the bedroom, no, it’s because we have found a new crime series on Netflix called ‘Fall’, It really is edge of the seat stuff, the problem is that once you get to the end of an episode  – you need to keep going to find out what’s happening. The truth is that Mrs H and myself have always been lightweights in the bedroom – no, I don’t mean that way – we are too soft when it comes to a really good programme and I’m afraid we tend to binge watch. Our last show was called ‘The Good Witch’, it had 5 series and 60 1 hour episodes – after just two weeks we had watched them all, I wouldn’t mind – but we only watch them in bed!

The diet is – or at least seems to be – going very well, I’ve never eaten so much healthy food and so few Buttermints!

I just wish people would stop saying I’m overweight or I could do with losing a few pounds it’s not my fault – I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.

Went out and finished the side gate off today, Mrs H seemed really impressed with it, her face was really close to the gloss finish, I couldn’t work out if she was admiring herself or looking for faults. The other job, was to replace the fittings on the hose,  I was reminded of it last night as I watered Mrs H’s baskets, the water trickled down my arm down the inside of my T shirt and straight down my shorts into my shoe, the shock was quite electrifying I can tell you.

Does anyone recall the ‘Egg Chair’ saga, we wanted to buy one for Mrs H’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, but it was never meant to be. The good news is that she has gone off the £300 egg chair since she found a new allegro ‘hanging chair, costing just £35, the bad news is that I have to build a frame for it, but hey – what a result!

I have always loved geography so I bought a World Map and pinned it on the wall in the kitchen, I gave Mrs H a dart and said “Throw that at the map and wherever it lands I’ll take you on holiday for two weeks when this is all over”, looks like we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge!

Thursday 13/08/2020 – Day 151

After what must have been one of the hottest nights on record I woke this morning to heavy rain, Mrs H was still pushing out the z’s when I made my weary way downstairs to get a nice cuppa at 6.00am.

Today I am going to attempt to make a swing frame for ‘she that must be obeyed’. As you know the lovely Mrs H has settled for a £30 swing chair instead of the £300 egg chair which shot up in price when Mrs Hinch proudly announced she had one!

Anyway, I now have to build a frame for the said chair. Thankfully, my daughter Sarah’s boyfriend brought me some timber last night bless him, so I have plenty to go on with, the slight problem is that it was a bit wide for the purpose, so I have to run it through my bench saw to cut it down.

No problem, except that my saw isn’t the best in the world, I wear a mask anyway while cutting, but it doesn’t stop it spewing all over you as you cut. By the time I had finished I looked like a brown Homepride flour grader.

But the job was done and all the other parts were cut ready to bolt together, By the end of the day it didn’t look too bad at all, just needs a coat of paint and ‘Bob’s yer uncle’.

By the way, my new book of poems has been accepted by Amazon, if you liked growing up or living in the fifties and sixties then this book is for you, it is full of nostalgic rhyming poetry which I’ve written over the past few years and would make a wonderful  stocking filler for Christmas. ‘A Poetic Trip Along Memory Lane’ is on Amazon books for £6.37 or on Kindle for £3.42.

Ok that’s enough of the advertising, Today was the big weigh-in, as you know Mrs H and myself started a self- imposed diet last Thursday, I started at 12 stone 8 pounds and 4 ounces last week, (Ok less of the Teletubby jibes) on the scales today I weighed in at 12 stones 4 pounds 8 ounces, I had lost 3pounds and 12 ounces.

Mrs H had started on 10 stone 12pounds 4ounces, she weighed in today at 10 stone 10pounds exactly, so she had lost 2 pounds 4 ounces!

We will soon be back in with the ‘thin crowd’ at this rate lol.

I heard on TV last night that the Department of Health are looking to hire couples who have been married seven years or more to educate people on Social Distancing.

Friday 14/08/2020 – Day 152

Well you can believe this or believe it not, but Mrs H who hasn’t seen two six o clocks in the same day for years was up with the lark at 6.05 am this morning, I thought she’d drop off to sleep again but as I was heading downstairs she asked – nay demanded – her morning coffee, it wasn’t as though the sun was streaming through the window or anything, it was as dim as a Toc H lamp outside. She was dressed well before me, I like a nice leisurely start to the day, but not Mrs H she went through the house with a fine tooth comb cleaning everything that didn’t move!

I eventually left her to it and went into the repair shop (garage) to finish off the swinging seat frame, I just had to paint it and then assemble it on the decking, as I knew I wouldn’t get it out of the repair shop if I had assembled it in  there, Up there for thinking, down there for dancing as they say.

While I waited for the frame to dry, I cleaned out my pond, as Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop. I was a bit disappointed to say the least, Remember the incident last month when the guy at the pond products shop called me with a sob story, well I have to report that the stuff he sold me doesn’t work, the blanketweed powder has not treated the blanketweed, well, I suppose it has really, it’s allowed it to stay in the pond and spread viciously throughout, I treated the water two weeks ago, with the old stuff (which I ran out of) it worked within a few days, but this new stuff hasn’t touched it, I’ve tried another dose and we’ll see how that goes.

George -Who I hadn’t heard from for a while rang me this morning to ask how my diet was going, I told him it wasn’t too bad but I was missing the alcohol side of it,

“Alcohol?” he said “ That reminds me of when I took my lad Colin for his first drink, I bought him a Carlsberg first, he didn’t like it, so I had to drink it, So I thought he might like a Fosters – but no, he didn’t like that either so I had to finish that as well, it was the same with the Guinness and the cider, by the time we got to the whiskey I could hardly push his pram home”.

I put the phone down.

By the time I’d done the pond the frame was dry and I put it together on the chosen spot of  the decking, Mrs H sat in it and said one word “Heaven”, my work here was done, I had a quick tidy up and went for a shower,

Twenty minutes later I went back downstairs and as I looked outside, there she was curled up in her new swing chair like a little hamster – fast asleep! That was at six o clock, it was 7.30 before she emerged back into the house bleary eyed, I am seriously thinking of buying another one – for myself!

I don’t usually watch much television but I must say – I’m a big fan of Jamie Oliver’s ‘Keep Cooking and Carry on’ He says you can just substitute ingredients for anything you have in the cupboard, I made his Aubergine Curry Dal with Herby Flatbreads and mashed banana last night, strange taste – but hey, these are difficult times.

Saturday 15/08/2020 – Day 153

I had a dream last night about an X-ray nurse who ended up being a serial killer, I have no idea where that came from but I’m not a big fan of X rays – they’re like Friday night curries – they tend to go right through me.

Don’t know what I’ve done to upset Mrs H but when I took her morning coffee and said “alright my sweet” she replied “No, I’m at that stage of self-isolation where ‘Jolene’ can come and take my man”. I reckon she’d had a bad dream as well lol!

The big gazebo – the one where I replaced the roof – still seemed to have something missing but neither Mrs H or myself could put our finger on it, I had built her a nice bar, it had been furnished nicely, and then on Monday Mrs H had a ‘eureka moment’ I nearly fell off my chair as she shouted;

“Curtains, that’s what’s missing, we need curtains for when it rains or if it’s cold”.

I thought she’d lost the plot, why on earth would you put curtains on a building with basically no walls, but, when she showed me on the laptop it was all as clear as mud, we ordered the required poles and sizes and suffice to say that by 2.00pm this afternoon our gazebo was looking like a scene from ‘Arabian Nights’, If I could have got some Turkish delight at that moment I would have wrapped a towel around my head, a sheet around my torso and presented it Mrs H, the Turkish delight not the sheet of course.

So, that was our week done and dusted, Mrs H was as happy as a pig in the proverbial with her new swing chair and her modernised gazebo, and I was over the moon that my new book had been printed and I had sold 21 copies in two days.

Don’t forget, if you want a copy of my book of nostalgic poems it’s available on Amazon books and is called ‘A Poetic Trip Along Memory Lane’

You will notice that there are no Coronavirus figures this week, I have decided to omit them as they are upsetting to some readers, if matters get worse then  I will reconsider, let me know what you think. Until then God willing we will meet again next week.

I will leave you with a pic of Mrs H’s new found sleeping quarters.

It’s been emotional.