Diary of a self-isolator – week 18

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 12/07/2020 – Day 119

At long last the sun is shining and it is quite warm, but the central heating still decided to switch itself on! I must reset the timer. I am still reeling from the fact that well over 1000 of you kindly read this drivel yesterday, about 100 of you read it in bed, I have to say I have never been in bed with so many people in my life! I post this diary on about a dozen facebook sites, I thank you all very much for taking the time to read it.

So, it’s officially the day of rest, or is it? Apparently, Saturday was the official rest day as in ‘The Seventh-day’ Adventist Church in a Protestant Christian denomination which is distinguished by its observance of Saturday, the seventh day of the week in Christian and Jewish calendars, as the Sabbath, and its emphasis on the imminent Second Coming (advent) of Jesus Christ.’

On March 7, 321, however, Roman Emperor Constantine I started messing around with the calendar (as the Romans did, I’ve watched ‘The Life of Brian’) and after a particularly heavy Saturday night on the wine he issued a civil decree making Sunday a day of rest from labour (not the political group), stating: All judges and city people and the craftsmen shall rest upon the venerable day of the sun. He did of course regret his actions once his hangover had gone. There you are – another snippet from the useless information department.

But, all that claptrap aside, we as humans must make the best of the appearance of that strange object in the sky and get on with some real work – well, as they say, no rest for the wicked. After a substantial breakfast of 4 Weetabix and copious amounts of PG tips its off down the garden path to get the hover mower out of the shed. When I use the description ‘hover’ it would conjure up something like Aladdin in the magic Persian carpet scene where he invites the love of his life Jasmine to step on to the carpet as it ‘hovers’.

But not my ‘hover; mower, I only bought it a few months back and it seems to be worse than the old electric mower that my son in law now proudly owns. It just doesn’t seem to ‘hover’ very well, I am completely knackered by the time I have finished, my back aches, my arms ache, in fact, everything aches.

I had a hover mower at our last house over thirty years ago and it glided beautifully across the grass cutting as it went, but this pile of garbage is like pushing a spoon through treacle – in short – it just doesn’t glide! Looks like the son in law is getting another new mower.

After I had hacked mown the lawn I turned my attention to the pond, where Jaws, my fifteen-inch Koi carp was being chased around the murky pond by a group of smaller fish, I have no idea why and I don’t think it warrants investigation, so, its off with the nets, all the pumps cleaned out along with the filtration system and in a few hours it was all crystal clear and Jaws was able to see the little blighters coming and take evasive action.

After a lovely salad lunch at 4.00pm (Mrs H is on a diet, and when Mrs H is on a diet then I too am on a diet, it’s called love apparently) it really was time to relax in the sun, Mrs H had a glass of her White Zinfandel Rose’ and I had a glass of the most gorgeous wine I have ever tasted, It is Tesco’s own rose and it’s called Summer Fruits, highly recommended with a lovely bouquet of strawberries and raspberries with a hint of….. oops sorry slipped into Jilly Goolden persona there. Hic!

Twenty-one deaths were recorded yesterday, with 650 new cases, last week from 4thJuly to 11th July 667 people lost their lives to coronavirus, yet more and more rules are being relaxed, this virus hasn’t finished with us by a long chalk, so please be careful out there.

Monday 13/07/2020 – Day 120

Today is what I call a ‘Dull as dishwater day’ my dear old mum would have called it the ‘Washday blues Monday’ bless her. Our local weather girl Shefali, told us yesterday that we would be very unlucky to get a shower today,, well Shefali I have some news for you, firstly, my shower is working fine, and secondly, it is as I type – pizzitively possing down outside, many thanks for last nights deep and profound absolutely rubbish weather forecast, I mean, how is anyone supposed to plan their day when you can’t even get it right?….. oops sorry dear reader, Victor Meldrew just popped up out of nowhere.

Now, the good thing about days like this is that I get a chance to catch up on my stories and my poetry, by lunchtime I had written three new poems and finished another, then I got bored and added another chapter to my autobiography, ok then, I mean my life story – it just sounded a lot posher.

I managed to get down to the summer house and put a base coat of paint on Mrs H’s new bar.

About 6 weeks ago I ordered a new folding workbench from one of these regular ‘deals’ that pop up every day on facebook, I had to message them to find out where it was, I was told that it was still in transit and would be with me soon, Anyway, the upshot was that yesterday the postman pushed a package through the letter box, I opened it and inside were a pair of sunglasses! They had obviously come from China so I washed my hands, which I always do with mail, I searched my saved emails to see if they were a free gift, they were cheap and plastic. I couldn’t find any trace so I put them to one side.

It has been pouring down with the wet stuff all day, there was about 30 minutes in 9 hours when it actually stopped. Shefali popped up on Midlands today at 6.30pm, said that some of us may have been unlucky to have had some rain today. I grabbed the remote control and switched channels.

The number of deaths was down to just 11 today, but that is still 11 families having to go through a lot of pain, there were 530 new registered cases.

Tuesday 14/07/2020 – Day 121

Today seems slightly better weather-wise, it seems to be just very cloudy, have no idea what happened to all this lovely weather we were promised, oh well.

Decided to email those people about my folding bench last night and to enquire when I may expect it, I checked my mail this morning to find that they had replied.

Apparently, I received it yesterday!, After I had calmed down I replied to them very nicely and asked if the cheap plastic sunglasses were a substitute for my folding bench, as I had tried to clamp a piece of wood into them to saw it in half and they had snapped, I await a reply.

Did I tell you that Mrs H has a very important birthday coming up, I am too much of a gentleman to give away her age, but if you should reverse the numbers five and six you should be about right lol. I have managed – without the aid of a safety net – to send her one of those Moonpig birthday cards, this involved selecting photo’s of her and posting them on the front, I didn’t realise what a lovey-dovey couple we are, I had to get my daughter to send me some photos of Mrs H on her own.

When I asked her what she wanted to do on her birthday she suggested one of those eateries where they prepare the food in front of you – I really hope she likes Subway

Been outside today painting the front porch, It was white but living on a main road it was getting filthy, even though we are thirty feet from the road, so we decided to do it grey, I was just starting when a little old lady and her really tall husband walked by and she said “ Oh I love that porch, what a shame it was so nice painted white”, Oh well, you can please some of the people some of the time etc lol.
It is also our 47th wedding anniversary on the 21st of July, I must admit that we had a bit of a dodgy start to our wedded bliss, Mrs H had just passed her test and asked me to buy her something cheap to run around in, she didn’t appreciate the £5 pumps I bought her.

Another substantial rise in deaths today, the number recorded was 138 with 398 new cases.

Wednesday 15/07/2020 – Day 122

A cloudy and grey day again, whatever happened to Summer? If you are superstitious that may all depend on whether it rains on shines on Wednesday 15 July. That is because the 15th is St Swithin’s Day, named for the ninth century Anglo Saxon bishop of Winchester. According to traditional folklore, whatever the weather on St Swithin’s Day, it will continue for the next 40 days. Let’s hope it doesn’t snow eh?
Spent the day painting the front wall and the rendered area between the two front windows of the house was doing really well, then guess what – yes, it started to rain again! I looked in vain for Shefali’s phone number. I managed to finish the painting before it rained too heavily and I have to say, it looked really good, made a whole lot of difference to the front aspect. Not too bad for a 68 year old, but then – I was always taught to work hard from an early age.

When I was about eleven I had my first paper round, which went very well if you think that two days before actually getting the sack is good, I never tried for another paper round, so for the next year or so I got by digging neighbours gardens, running errands and so on.
At the age of thirteen I was getting a bit fed up with two bob here and half a crown there, our next-door neighbour told me that a mate of his with a scrap yard may be looking for someone to help out on a weekend. At that time I was about six stone wringing wet and there was more meat on a butchers pencil, but I thought – why not try it.

It was the start of the Summer holidays, so next day I turned up in my school uniform (the only trousers I had without holes in the knees) and sat in the old house which doubled up as an office awaiting the scrap man’s return, I was sat staring down at my hands when the whole room went dark, just like a storm was going over, I looked up and there in the doorway was this giant of a man blocking all the light out. He was wearing a flat cap with an oil-stained peak, a silky waistcoat which obviously hadn’t been buttoned up for an age, and his trousers tucked into well-worn boots were being held up by a three inch wide leather belt with a brass buckle denoting a horses head. He stared down at me then I nearly jumped out of my skin as he roared “What can I do for you young un”

I explained that I was looking for work, the whole house shook as he laughed, “There’s enough little vermin running around here without you adding to it, get out of my sight”

I scurried past him like a little mouse, then he called me back and said,

“It must have took some guts to come here this morning” he reached into his pocket and pulled out half a crown, ”Here, that’s for yer trouble, now go home and come back when you’ve filled out a bit”.

I was walking down the path and he called me back again, “Be here at eight in the morning, don’t be late or I’ll kick yer backside all the way home”.

Result, I was half a crown better off, hadn’t lifted a finger and I’d got a job, I ran all the way home and was breathless when I pressed the silver coin into mum’s hand, I told her about the job but she was very concerned about the safety, I treated myself to a frozen Jubbly with the threepence mum had given me back.

I turned up next morning looking nice and clean but in my old clothes, I went home looking like a coalman’s son.

My job was to crawl in among the thirty-foot high piles of scrap to retrieve any precious metal like brass, copper, wiring, aluminium or gunmetal, the health and safety of today would have had a field day. On the Sunday I was reaching for a piece of brass in a tight place when something ran over my legs. I looked behind me, nothing, I turned back and came face to face with a rat the size of a cat, its whiskers moved as it sniffed and I backed out of there very carefully!

At the top of the yard they had a shearing machine,, which was run by a 70 year old man that looked like Andy Capps long lost dad, th machine was used for cutting up long lengths of metal like scaffold poles, I was watching him one day as he fed the poles through, the jaws would drop and cut through the poles like butter, he saw me watching him, “Want a go kid?”, keen as ever I bounded over to him, he showed me what to do, but no matter what – I must hang on to the pole, or it could fly through the air, I felt very proud as a couple more of the men gathered to watch me work the awesome machine, I nervously picked the pole up and fed it into the opening jaws, they came down and I was lifted four feet into the air as they cut into the metal, then they opened and down I went, there was raucous laughter in the background as I came down to the hard ground with a bump! I minded my own business after that.

I stayed at the scrapyard until I was fifteen and left school, the owner turned out to be a lovely chap and paid me for half the metal I found – even though he already owned it. I was earning £5 for a weekend while all my mates were earning 10 shillings for doing a paper round in all weathers 7 days a week. The only problem was that when I left school I had to take a drop in wages to £3 10s as I was an apprentice.

Sadly 88 more deaths today with a further 538 being tested positive.

Thursday 16/07/2020 – Day 123

Still a lot of cloud around today, up bright and early ready for the tree men to arrive, which they duly did at the arranged time, I must admit they had all the gear for swinging around in the trees, ropes and pulleys, monkeys – sorry that was Tarzan. I have to say they took all necessary precautions before venturing up the 35 foot high tree.

Within an hour or so the monstrosity which had been blocking the light from Mrs H’s Acers was almost gone, and was in a lovely big pile on my newly laid lawn! Then it was on to the pruning, we have three trees that were easily manageable – till all this rain, so hopefully, I will once more be able to cope with Mrs H’s bushes.

I have to admit that they did a wonderful job, and swept everything up, by the time they had gone you wouldn’t have known they had even been there!

My neighbour rang up while they were here, he has a giant weeping willow in his garden, it wouldn’t look out of place in a Harry Potter movie, he knew about five years ago it was becoming unsafe when the actual trunk became hollow, in fact at one stage we were half expecting king Charles II to pop out after the battle of Worcester. Anyway, the upshot is that he is having it cut down, he has been worrying himself into an early grave that it might fall on my garage and shed one day, Me? I had already spent the compensation in my head!

Heard today that Face masks will become compulsory in shops and enclosed spaces on 24thJuly, why wasn’t this implemented straight away? As someone said – it’s a bit like taking condoms to a baby shower lol!

641 new cases registered today with 66 more deaths.

Friday 17/07/2020 – Day 124

Up very early this morning, the day has finally arrived, although, far too soon for Mrs H, today is her 65th birthday, I know they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but she truly does look stunning for a ‘young un’. The daughter crept round last night about 8.00pm bringing a most beautiful birthday cake and some other gifts I had ordered for her.

So it was straight on to the computer to do a birthday poem for her, When you truly love someone this is not a difficult thing to (Ugh! Get me the sick bowl lol) As usual I made her a coffee and took it up to her while she opened my gifts, Sadly, we really could not get the lovely lady an egg chair, but I hope she liked the presents I have just given her, what she doesn’t know is that there are more presents to come later in the day.

To save having the whole family and friends around at one time we staggered them throughout the day, first to arrive was our eldest daughter Sarah and Granddaughter Mollie who is 18 on Tuesday, the same day as our anniversary.

Speaking of which, Mrs H has been leaving jewelry catalogues lying all over the place, well I’m not stupid, I can take a hint, I’m going to buy her a magazine rack for our anniversary, job done!

Anyway, I managed to fall asleep during the day before anyone else turned up, I hadn’t realised how hot it was, by the time the rest of the family turned up I was glowing like the embers of a fire! As the evening went on and it got a bit cooler everyone was standing around me keeping warm.

Mrs H had a wonderful day, with lots of fantastic presents and good company, we rounded the evening off with a Chinese meal, Now Mrs H and myself have been desperate for a takeaway for over four months, but the one we adore doesn’t deliver, and they would only accept cash or cheque, so basically we couldn’t have one, but last night we were informed that they now have a card machine and there are screens up at the counter, we have been missing out for no reason, but boy did it go down well – just need to find a chippy now lol.

Boris has announced today that he is looking at plans to allow supporters back into the football stadiums, this government seems very keen to be popular and damn the consequences, today there were 114 more deaths with a further 687 new cases, what is it that they don’t understand?.

Saturday 18/07/2020 – Day 125

Well the intention was to get up bright and early this morning and have a bit of a tidy up for the birthday girl known as Mrs H, but as I was donning my dressing gown she woke and gave me strict instructions that I wasn’t to touch anything until it had all been wiped down, nothing to do with the lovely family of course, but the fact that the off-license and the takeaway had been visited, better safe than sorry eh!

As we lay in bed I asked Mrs H what women really want, she said “Attentive lovers” well I think that’s what she said, she may have said ‘A tent of lovers’ I wasn’t really listening.

An update of the folding bench saga, if you remember I was waiting on a folding bench for over 6 weeks, It apparently came from China, now a lot of people aren’t buying from China at the moment, it is our way of showing our disgust at the way thy show contempt for the rest of the world, so, as you can see that includes me.

But Amazon have caught on to this fact and have contemptuously removed all signs of Chinese involvement until after you have purchased the item, which in itself is a con trick, and just to cap it off the item came from Wuhan city – where the virus began!

I emailed them on Tuesday and have now received a reply which apologised for the inconvenience of sending me sunglasses (worth approx. £2) instead of my £25 bench, They said that I must return the wrong item (remember, it took over six weeks to get here) I must wrap it very carefully, and should it arrive back to them in one piece then they will give a full refund, Should it not arrive safely – in one piece – then no refund will be offered.

Well, we all know what the outcome of this scenario is going to be don’t we, I have been well and truly duped into parting with my money – it brings a whole new meaning to a Chinese takeaway!

Speaking of takeaways, George came up with this gem today when he phoned.

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through North Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch and asked the waitress, “Before we order, could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?” The girl leaned over and said,…………….“Burrrr Gurrrrr King.”

On that sad note, I’ll leave you for yet another week of headline-grabbing news and a few pics of Mrs H enjoying her birthday, God willing I’ll be back next week.

It’s been emotional