Diary of a self-isolator – week 13

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday07/06/2020 – Day 83

The winds have abated, the sun is attempting a break through and here we are at the end of my ‘official’ furlough, I still have no idea what happens next, I have had no letter from the government or from work, but Mrs H bless her, says I must stay at home and stay safe, this is why I love that woman, she speaks a whole lot of sense sometimes. Never mind that damn virus, my old dad used to say ‘if you wake in a morning, stretch and don’t touch wood, then all is well with the world.

We have to clean the car again today, I wouldn’t mind but we’re not going anywhere, and not been anywhere so according to the dust on it we must be sucking in a lot of pollution every time we go outdoors.

I have had to check our insurance policies, well, when I say ‘ours’ I really mean the one that covers me, why? Because I swear on all that is holy that Mrs H is trying to send me to an early grave with all this work, if this coronavirus doesn’t get me then Mrs H will!

Ok dear reader, cast your mind back to last Monday when one of us was ready for graft and the other most definitely wasn’t, if you recall – she who must be obeyed – had me on my hands and knees chopping at some invasive roots away from her bush (look, I know that sounds really bad but try as I might I can’t find another way to describe it). Anyway, it turns out that the daughter is digging up another kind of bush which Mrs H really wants, so she asked me, nay ordered me, to take out the bush – which had taken three hours of my life last week to cull – yes, I kid you not, the EXACT same bush! I went at it like a coalminer in a competition, hacking away at two inch thick roots, it was so bad that I even had to fetch my saw at one stage, then I tried to prise it out with the garden spade – big mistake – I put my whole weight behind it and for a split second i thought I’d got it as something gave way, but it wasn’t the root, it was the spade handle, down I went in a sorry heap falling onto the bush, I looked at Mrs H and saw the start of a grin, which soon turned into laughter.

It took a lot longer to get that damn root out and I was beginning to admire Dentists who also struggle with roots, I gave it one more huge tug and it gave way- half the border disappeared into a black hole and I ended up five feet away on the lawn still holding on to the uprooted bush.

Feeling very dejected I tidied up and went for a shower, but when I came back downstairs Mrs H had poured me an ice- cold beer which I drank with relish.

I watched the news on ITV which was all about protestors in the cities, I really do have every sympathy but why protest two days in a row, I think there is an inner core who won’t be content with peaceful protest, the Newscaster informed us that deaths were down below 100 for the first time since lockdown, they don’t acknowledge that they are weekend figures any more, 77 lost their lives in 24 hours.

Monday 08/06/2020 – Day 84

And so, we start our thirteenth week in self-isolation, that is a quarter of this year we have lost, but at least we are still breathing, there are so many that aren’t.

My hair continues to do exactly what it wants to, I woke this morning at 5.15am, it was semi-dark in the bedroom, as I sat up I caught my reflection in the wardrobe mirror, I looked like I’d had an argument with a white fluffy pillow and the pillow had won, that’s the last time I have a shower and wash my hair and get straight into bed!

Weather’s not too bad so it’s a day in the garden today, I have to take apart our old garden table and put together the new one I’ve been preparing for the last couple of days. With the help of Mrs H the new table was soon in situ and before I had dropped the brolly back in through the new hole Mrs H was recycling the old one, suggesting we use the plank like boards to put new seats on the horrible plastic benches, I could have sworn I saw Pinocchio pop his head from around the corner and laugh!

Now Mrs H bless her, has been promising for the last three weeks to cut my long silver locks, so the plan was that we’d do a bit of gardening and later she would have a go at it. As I was giving the table top a final top coat of paint I stopped for a moment, Mrs H was deadheading the roses nearby and I watched in amazement at the dexterity of the movement, one quick movement and a head was gone, She would have been very popular in the French revolution. I have to say that this is where my imagination took over and in the dark recesses of my small mind she turned into the Queen of Hearts!

The Queen of Hearts is a fictional character from the 1865 book Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. She is a foul-tempered monarch whom Carroll himself describes as “a blind fury”, and who is quick to give death sentences at the slightest offence. Yep, that sounds about right, as she snipped at those poor defenceless rose heads I swear I could see her mouthing those words “Off with their heads, off with their heads.

A couple of hours later we were finished and sat down with a nice cuppa when she said “Would you like me to have a go at cutting your hair now?” I almost fell off my chair as white, red and pink roses falling to the ground flashed before my eyes, “Er no thanks, I quite like it long”.

I made a hasty exit and went to feed Jaws and his mates who were swimming around the pond without a care in the world. Which reminds me, did I ever tell you how I learned to swim?, My Dad threw me in the canal and I had to swim to the other side and get out, that was no problem, but getting out of the sack filled with stones wasn’t so easy!.

The Secretary of state was once again on the podium today, The death figures were thankfully down to 55 for the last 24 hours, but I have these feeling of awe that is hard to shift and I don’t know why.

Tuesday 08/06/2020 – day 85

We were sat there quietly last night watching Alan Titchmarsh in a programme called ‘Grow Your Own’ all about growing vegetables. I really wish he’d stuck to writing his steamy novels, by the time the programme had finished Mrs H had got me promising to build her a vegetable trug, which is basically an oblong V bottomed box on legs. Me being a lazy sod looked on Amazon for some ideas and to perhaps cheat a little bit and buy her one, the cheapest I found was £149 what a rip off!. I mean, it’s alright for Alan Titchmarsh, I googled his wealth and he is apparently worth 7.4 million, as I don’t have two ha’penny’s to rub together I will be starting her little project tomorrow.

When I was knee high to a Grasshopper I would go around the street  where I lived and offer to tidy up the neighbours gardens, this would involve digging their garden in which the weeds would be taller than me, I would be nine or ten years old so it would have been 1962/63, I was always careful never to ask for money, but it was always inevitably offered and it was just as rude to refuse as it was to ask. Half a Crown or a Florin back then was a fortune to a small lad like myself, it knocked the spots off scouring the local council tip for old pop bottles with thruppence for the return.

Our government grocery delivery was early today, but the driver still managed to go to the same address in another village, must send the poor chap a bottle of scotch for the inconvenience.

Mrs H has been hovering around the house most of the day waiting  for a new spade to be delivered from Amazon after my poor bruised body broke our other on Sunday, so, about 2,00pm that awful video bell rang, and a young man was waiting outside holding what could only be a spade, I saw the grin on Mrs H’s face and thought ‘what’s she up to now’, I stood in the lounge as she answered the door and I couldn’t believe my ears as she said to the young lad:

“Thank goodness for that, he’s been in the garden three days, he’s starting to smell a bit now, thank you”

With that she shut the door and burst out laughing, I watched the poor lad walking back to his van looking back over his shoulder as he went, we spent the next couple of hours waiting to see if the police turned up! That woman makes me look like a learner sometimes.

After two really good results on Sunday and Monday the figures were well up again today, 286 people lost their fight in the last 24 hours.

Also a special mention for George Floyd who was tragically killed by police in America, his funeral is today, no human being – regardless of the colour of their skin – should die like that. RIP George.

Wednesday 10/06/2020 – Day 86

Rain and showers forecast for today, haven’t seen a drop yet though. I have been sat here for the best part of an hour watching two beautiful  Robins, building a nest, they are so busy!, The only problem is that they have chosen a fir tree right next to the path which we use regularly and I am a bit concerned about disturbing them. I conveyed these tender thoughts to Mrs H, her reply was brutal “Don’t worry dear, they’ll soon get used to your ugly mug”.

After I have eaten my four Weetabix and the remainder of Saturdays bread pudding I have to get this sorry old body outside and up the ladder to recoat the roof of our Summer house, I was in a bit of a hurry (British weather) when I did it originally, I also used an out of date sealant and now have to remove it all with a knife and re-seal it. I know, it serves me right!

I am on the ladder looking down at Mrs H in the garden, she is doing that pose – you know the one lads – hands on hips, looking like she’s lost a couple of rolls of carpet, but, sadly she hasn’t, that is her thinking pose, it normally means that I am going to have to create or make something else for the garden. And sure enough _ I hadn’t got my foot off the last rung of the ladder when she said “I’ve had a re-think about the bar (oh dear), could you put me a couple of shelves up there?”. Under normal circumstances this would be a reasonable request, but, as we are in lockdown and wood is rarer than rocking horse muck,  she has more chance of knitting fog than getting her shelves, this was all in my mind you understand, to utter those words out loud would have meant instant death.

Actually, I feel quite sorry for the little lady, the pollen must be quite high at the moment as she is sneezing quite profusely, she suffers from hay fever and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy! When she starts sneezing she has a problem stopping, her average is around seven in a row, but the most I ever counted was seventeen in a row, that left her with a very sore throat!

George rang earlier, said he’d had a painter and decorator round apparently, he’s a furloughed Ryan Airways pilot, made a crap job of the hall and stairs, but the landing was absolutely perfect. I sometimes despair of George.

Boris was back on the podium today, when he’s about then you know that something is about to change, sadly, a further 245 people lost their lives in the last 24 hours.

Thursday 11/06/2020 – Day 87

I was lay in bed this morning with a lot of strange thoughts going through my head, like The price of petrol going down during lockdown is the equivalent of a bald man winning a hairbrush in a raffle!

A cloudy dull as dishwater day today, I am sat at the breakfast bar watching ‘Bouncer’ desecrate my bench, while only one metre away the two Robins busily building their nest impervious to the mad bird by the mirror, I want to go out and shout ‘What the hell happened to Social distancing’ but they’d only ignore me and it won’t be the first time I’ve been ignored by a bird ( that sounds really chauvinistic doesn’t it, sincere apologies).

Having nipped down the garden to feed the fish we have decided that it is a bit too cool to do anything outside today. My first inside job was to sort out the mail that has been steadily building up over the last few weeks, it usually gets opened, checked and then thrown into a cupboard, so every few weeks I sort through it being careful to remove all addresses from the stuff being thrown away. I thought I’d make myself comfy on the sofa, I promised myself I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of the settee.

Well, that took at least half an hour of my precious time, so, what to do next.

As you are probably aware the Thursday clapping ended last week, what you don’t know of course is that Mrs H has been using the noise in the street to mask the noise of her empties being put into the bin at 8.00 lol!.

Sadly a further 151 people lost their lives in the past 24 hours, I still cannot understand why the total averages 200 all week yet on a weekend it is less than 100, is it just me?

Friday 12/06/2020 – Day 88

Another wet and blustery day so not a lot going on outside today again, I run a couple of Facebook sites so I spent time updating them, I am also a sort of poet and have self-published a couple of books which have sold really well on Amazon, but then, they are really cheap lol!

I put a poem on about 12 different sites today and had an amazing response, a lot of my poetry is set in the past so they go down well on the nostalgia sites, anyway the upshot was that I had over 1500 likes and 1200 comments, I was gobsmacked. It was based on my dear old Gran and Granddad,

My dear Grandmother and Grandfather lived in Kidderminster. Their back garden stretched down to a park with a substantial drop into the park itself, we spent many a happy hour in there with its long slide, roundabout and swings. We were always accompanied by Nan’s black and white dog which was a variety of just about every other dog in the district.

My earliest memory of Gran was a large lady with a wrap-around pinnie (pinafore or apron) unkempt hair beneath a hairnet, rolled down stockings and sleeves rolled up ever ready for some work that surely must be done that day. As I walked in she was in the backroom,  the old flagstone floor was dripping wet and she was pumping and twisting a large Dollie in an even larger Dolly tub full of sheets and lathering soap water, I was never sure whether it was excess fat rippling on her arms or pure muscle!

Then it all had to go through the wringer, I was in awe of that great green thing towering above me with its seemingly enormous rollers, I have of course since realised that they were not as big as I remember, but in those days to a four year old they were the Devils jaws that would attract and draw in your little fingers and crush the life out of them, at least, that’s what all my friends and older brother told me!

So, inevitably the next command would be ‘Come on young Eric, grab that end and help me feed it through’ so I would grab a sopping wet sheet and hold it delicately as the cold soapy water trickled down my arms and soaked my shirt sleeves which, after becoming sodden would then run down my short trousers and onto my shoes, I was about three foot nothing at the time so it wasn’t too long before I was drenched!

My gran had the strength of an ox, she would wind that large handle and keep going as the sheet disappeared with the water still dripping all over me, but I would soon dry out as we toted the sheets out into the very windy garden, she would pull out a handful of wooden dolly pegs ( why was everything to do with washing called Dolly?) and attempt to peg the sheet to the line as it wrapped itself around my already wet body, by the time this cumbersome exercise was completed – I was pretty dry.

Then it was off to one of the many butcher shops to be found within a few minutes walk, My Nan was never one for loyalty and every shopkeeper knew that she would ‘shop around’ for the cheaper cuts and the ‘best bits’ my Grandad trusted her implicitly and devoured everything put in front of him.

Grandad worked a few minutes from home at a chemical works called Hepworths, I don’t know what it did to him  but I remember as a child the white powdery stuff that used to creep over the low wall from the factory. It certainly made Grandad hungry.

So, the afternoon was spent baking and preparing the teatime meal which a lot of the time was a stew which because of washday saved time and could simmer while Nan did other things. Besides, it used the remains of the Sunday joint.

Granddad would arrive home and plonk himself in front of the fire in his favourite winged back chair and eat his tea off his lap (on a plate of course). He was always dressed the same way, baggy turned up trousers, well polished boots, bracers dangling over a striped collarless shirt that had plenty of wear and tear around the midriff area with early signs of holes beginning to appear, perhaps it was once his Sunday best, but that would have been many years earlier. I don’t ever recall him having a flat cap – he had a trilby, which he would wear to the local on a weekend complete with tie and what I would imagine was a demob suit at some time, but, he always looked smart, he went down the pub most nights of course but with the exception of a wash made no attempt to smarten himself up, that was for weekends when the work was done. After eating his food and supping tea from what seemed like an enormous mug he would drift off into the land of make-believe.

That was Nans time to get in the days washing and get out the two irons that she possessed placing them strategically on the black lead grate, a quick spit would determine the heat in the iron and the rest of the evening would be spent ironing the days wash until Grandad woke up and made his way to the pub at around 9.00 pm, then and only then would my nan put her feet up for an hour, until it was time for grandad’s supper when he returned.

And that was my Nan’s washday Monday, we think we have it hard eh?

Not much to report from Downing street today, well, you wouldn’t think so,  but another 202 people lost their lives today while misguided youths walked the streets in search of justice for something they hardly knew about, meanwhile, workmen busied themselves boxing in statues to save them from desecration, including Winston Churchill, my dear old Gran and Granddad would be turning in their graves, along with millions of war dead. Nuff said!

Saturday 13/06 2020 – Day 89

Weather is a bit better today, bit of sunshine around at last, I am getting dressed when I look in the wardrobe mirror, Mrs H was lay in bed when the following conversation took place;

Me           I reckon I’m getting a good tan, what do you think?

Mrs H      (without looking up) Probably from the light bulb in the fridge!

You can go off people so I went downstairs to prepare my Weetabix and watch Bouncer and the Robins.

Forgot to tell you yesterday, On Thursday it was our best friend Jan’s birthday, (of Janet and John fame) I’m too much of a gentleman to tell you she was 62 years old – oops too late!  Anyway we got her some nice presents and one of those Moonpig card thingummyjigs, which was like a magazine but we made up the stories – that was fun lol, Jan being Jan re-iterated with a wonderful afternoon tea which was delivered yesterday, so, on went the computer and we connected for a virtual tea, some lovely sandwiches (with the crusts cut off of course) the best cakes I have ever tasted in my life, and absolutely wonderful scones complete with jam and cream. I looked a right mess by the time we had finished, but boy – what a way to go!

And now for the most exciting news of the week, I’m giving up eating Buttermints for a month, sorry forgot the punctuation, I’m giving up! Eating Buttermints for a month.

The number of people who have lost their lives in the past 24 hours was 181, and the whole world seems to have gone mad, on that sad note I’ll leave you.

See you all next week God willing, have a lovely week and please stay safe.