Diary of a self-isolator – Week 10

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 17/05/2020 – Day 62

As we end our ninth full week in lockdown I sit here wondering where the last nine weeks have actually gone.

Sunday for me is still traditionally a day of rest, it has nothing to do with the church or God (I’m not an atheist, although I have been sorely tested), It stems back to my childhood, when the shops were all closed and we were all bored, I remember us playing catch with our Mickey Mouse watches, it wasn’t that much fun but it passed the time lol. We all gathered in the kitchen in those days, it was worst on a rainy day, I had 4 brothers and five sisters, there was hardly any room for the Sunday joint!

But we managed as most families did in those days.

The old man was always in a mood because he hadn’t won the seventy -five thousand on the pools the previous day, so we were all glad when opening time came at 12.00.

Mother would carry on cooking the roast beef with at least ten pounds of roast potatoes which I absolutely loved and still do, but I hated roast parsnips, and my mum made them look like roast potatoes! I would put them in my mouth and almost throw up lol!

The afternoon on a cold wet Winter day was usually spent watching Old Mother Riley or George Formby on TV, sometimes they would show Norman Wisdom or a sentimental wartime story with Tommy Trinder (The Bells go Down) where he is a London WW2 fireman, still brings a tear to my eye when that massive wall falls on him at the end. Never got to hear much of it though – with at least eight kids chomping their ways through Pineapple chunks, pear drops and sugar barley.

Mrs H has really lost the plot, she has discovered our account on Amazon and it is now a permanent fixture on her phone, problem is – I never know what’s coming to the door, her latest acquisition arrived on Friday, wrapped like a big tube of smarties I was intrigued to know what it was as she eagerly pulled the wrapping away (I haven’t seen her that excited for years), out popped a large vinyl coated mat! I thought OMG! she’s really lost it now, apparently these ‘new’ mats are all the rage for putting outside with your rattan furniture, (Mrs Hinch,1 Mr H 0), it now takes pride of place outside under the coffee table, and I spend my time looking at the fence behind the seating thinking, ‘A false fireplace would look really good there’, what on earth is happening to me?

We haven’t seen our friends Janet and John (yes, those are their real names) for what seems like an age, Mrs H and Janet  have kept in touch continuously by ‘whatsapp’ which I don’t have on my ancient brick of a phone, I really must get an upgrade but it’s took me 10 years to get used to this one, I’m thinking, have I really got another 10 years left to learn a new phone, The last time Janet popped up on my phone she was going on about satellites and  bright things moving across the sky, well, you automatically think decking, prostrate, stars and red wine don’t you? Anyway once again I digress, it turns out that there is now a new thing out which is called Zoom, so tonight we will sit in our individual homes and dine together via the app on the computer, can’t wait!

The number of fatalities in the last 24 hours have dropped considerably to 170, I know these are weekend figures but let’s hope they continue.

Monday 17/05/2020 – Day 63

Well the weather yesterday was a complete wash out, it didn’t rain but it wasn’t as sunny as that girl on the BBC reckoned it was going to be either.

Mrs H and myself have been staring out of the front window for weeks now, (not all the time you understand) our car is getting dirtier by the day, we keep looking and saying that we must clean it one day, well, today is that day!

We actually only bought it in March brand new, because of my disability I don’t drive, but Mrs H has only been in it half a dozen times since we got it.

Anyway, the thing has just got dirtier as the weeks went by, so we got out the pressure washer, the shammy leather and soapy water, oh, and a pair of steps as we were both at the back of the queue for height requirements, but, as they say, all good things come in little parcels, trouble with mine is that the strings broke and the parcel has become quite loose and baggy, whereas Mrs H ‘s string is still intact. Two hours of hard work later and the car was as good as new.

The ’Virtual’ meal went really well yesterday, the meal was dropped off by Janet and she sped back home to set up the computer, sure enough after Mrs H had dished up ( I hate that expression don’t you?) the computer flashed and Janet and John popped up putting their meals on the plates.

‘That’s a nice piece of meat’ said Janet,

‘Yes’ said John, ‘Would you like some’

Janet smiled at John,

Oops sorry, I slipped back to my Infants days there for a moment, sat on my little seat reading my Janet and John book. So, picture this, we can see Jan and John and they can see us, it’s just like we are all around the same table, We had a lovely meal and a lovely evening courtesy of our friends and we will return the favour next week, except that if we can’t get it delivered Janet will have to pick it up, bless her!

I have a confession to make to you all, but don’t let Mrs H know, all those buttermints I’ve been chomping my way through have now come back to bite me in the backside  yes, I have a niggledy toothache, We were doing our latest online order when Mrs H said “What about your six packets of buttermints?”, I thought quickly, “Oh It’s ok, I have been over-ordering and now have a big stock of them”. I haven’t had a buttermint for three days now lol.

I have spent the whole day painting, Mrs H decided – quite rightly – that it would be a lot quicker and more convenient to paint all my featheredge panels before erecting them, So, armed with a four inch paintbrush and a full gallon (5ltr) of Cuprinol Wild Thyme garden colours I set about the task, five hours later I had one aching arm but eight panels and nine posts had been painted, it was at this point I was seriously thinking about buying one of those paint sprayer thingummybobs!

Another significant drop in the figures today, down to 160, but that’s still 160 too many and we are still in weekend figures.

Tuesday 19/05/2020 – Day 64

Well here we are finally at Mrs H’s age, but not for much longer lol! (sorry dearest xx).

Our nice little man was early with the government delivery today, we shared it with the neighbours of course.

Today I start the job I have been dreading, erecting almost fifty foot of fencing, don’t get me wrong, I am not frightened of hard work, but what I am frightened of is Mrs H, I somehow have to pick my way through her very precious roses, acers and God knows what else to dig out post holes and erect heavy six by four panels.

The first post went quite well with the exception of what seemed like a lot of bees, I appeared to either be in their flight path or very near to their nest, whatever, they were continuously buzzing around my head as I dug the first hole and erected the first post, I was glad to see that one in and to be social distancing myself from the bees six foot away.

I told you last week about the hedge saga, but what I forgot to tell you was the rest of the conversation with my elderly neighbour, last year as I was graciously cutting a third of the six foot hedge from MY side of the garden he piped up with this little gem;

Neighbour      You’re making a lovely job of that!

Me                    Thank you.

Neighbour       I Know what your game is

Me                    Oh yes, what’s that then?

Neighbour       You’re going to cut all that down and then bang up a fence leaving

me with the hedge to cut aren’t you?.

Me                   I wouldn’t do that to you, (laughing nervously)

Neighbour       (laughing) we’ll see.

And here I was about to put up the first panel that would only leave two foot of the hedge showing! Guess what – it was one of the warmest days of the year to date, and my dear old neighbour whom I hadn’t seen for a few days, decided to come out and soak up a little sun.

Apprehensively I continued, and all the time going through my head were thoughts like ‘He must be able to see me and what I’m doing, he must have seen the panels being delivered’.

We had to move a few of Mrs H’s plants before we had any ‘little accidents’ but basically it wasn’t too bad after that, by 3.00pm I was digging the fifth post hole ready for the fourth panel which went in quite smoothly thanks to Mrs H’s help, I looked ahead at where my next panel was going, I had to dig a hole right where Mrs H’s precious poppy was, she has been waiting for this poppy to bloom for ages – and I have to dig a hole behind it! And the next post hole was being blocked by an overflowing compost bin!

But common sense prevailed, I took another look – thought ‘sod that’ and went and got myself a cold can of Guinness from the fridge, once more all was well within the Harvey household as I sat and admired my days work.

The best news of the day – no, this decade – has to be that Captain Tom Moore is to receive a well earned Knighthood. As an honorary colonel, his official title will be Captain Sir Thomas Moore under Ministry of Defence protocol. We are all sharing in his joy.

My last job of the day was to put out mine and the neighbour’s wheelie bin, as I dragged what seemed like a ton weight over the gravel on my drive I thought ‘This wheelie bin has been out more than me in the past ten weeks’.

Another 545 lost their lives in the last 24 hours, I wish there was some way they could get their figures right on a weekend then it wouldn’t be such a shock when the real figures emerge.

Wednesday 20/05/2020 Day 65

Sun streaming through the window and we were due to have one of the hottest days of the year so far, the big dilemma of the day was (a) Do I carry on with the fencing, or (b) do I empty that damn compost bin, the compost bin won as I wouldn’t be able to get my sixth panel up while it was full.

Our compost bin is one of those plastic square things, four foot by three foot and five foot deep, it’s so full that we couldn’t get the lid on it!

My fault of course, I dumped a whole lawn in it last year and expected it just to turn to lovely rich compost, I forgot you had to put other stuff in there, like newspapers (all our local rags good for anyway) vegetable peelings, but not spuds – apparently, they start sprouting – and grass cuttings, tea bags etc. Well, I didn’t have any of that in mine, I just had nicely compacted turf that was full of moss,

Even the worms were the thinnest I’ve ever seen, there was a distinct lack of nourishment in my bin.

So, I set about emptying it from the bottom hatch. Armed with my best bricklaying trowel (the most convenient tool to hand) and a couple of buckets, the first lot wasn’t too bad, quite black (Mrs H reckons that’s good?) and I merrily ploughed through whilst listening to the dulcet tones of Spandau Ballet, but then Bernard Cribbins popped into my head with a Children’s Hour favourite called ‘Digging a Hole’,

Don’t dig there, dig it elsewhere.
You’re digging it round and it ought to be square.
The shape of it’s wrong, it’s much too long,
And you can’t put a hole where a hole don’t belong.

That was it for the duration, those same words kept going around in my head regardless of what was on the radio.

Anyway, like the brave lads of ‘The Great Escape’ I tunnelled my way through the lawn which had now solidified more than the path outside our house,  I had to literally pick at it whilst on my knees. It turns out the thing that was holding it all together was that old favourite – plastic, yes, I kid you not, that’s why it was all held together so nicely.

It’s like a plastic green netting that the tight fisted turf sellers use to skimp on actually providing any soil with your new turf, they can scrape it up as thin as a thin baked Pizza, this is the reason the turf never took in the first place I reckon. It has now been replaced with a big round patio seating area.

I actually got half a dozen barrow loads of decent soil out before my ‘tunnel’ collapsed and I was left with fresh stuff, job done – well nearly!

Had a fantastic surprise at 4.45, I work at Screwfix part time and, as you know, I’ve been off for 10 weeks, so at 4.30 I had a text message from my boss telling me to go to the front of my house in 15 minutes, I went out to find a convoy of cars all waving and whooping, my colleagues from work had turned out (at a safe distance) to send me best wishes and let me know how much I was missed, they even bought sweets!

This was my boss Rob’s idea as part of Mental health week, and it really has made my self-isolation worth it.

Besides, I always knew I was mental lol!

A further 363 deaths have occurred in the last 24 hours, the same number from over three weeks ago on April 27^th, is there ever going to be an end to those poor families misery?.

Thursday 21/05/2020 – Day 66

Another lovely day here in sunny Kidderminster and I have to bite the bullet and get on with putting up the remainder of my fence panels. My elderly neighbour keeps giving me funny looks – so I was forced to tell him that I’d go around and cut HIS side of the hedge later this week, ( I cut MY side earlier in the week) I certainly know how to make a rod for my own back! But, in all fairness, the top doesn’t look right until his side is done.

My other neighbour who likes a drink rang Mrs H this morning..

“I read somewhere that alcohol may kill COVID 19, then they said heat might kill it off, now  they are saying sunlight will kill it off, so if you see me drunk, naked and laying in my garden, don’t phone anyone – I’m just doing important medical  research.”

What on earth do you say to that? So off I skipped (skipped?) down the garden to tackle what was possibly the worst panel to put in, it wasn’t any bigger or wider than any of the other panels, but I had to dig a two foot deep hole about a foot away from Mrs H’s pride and joy – her poppy!

I hadn’t put the spade in the ground before she swooped like a killer hawk, under the pretence of bringing me a cup of tea (my fourth in an hour) she stood making small talk, I am as nervous as a pig in a slaughterhouse, I have now reverted to taking the soil out of the hole with a garden trowel, Mrs H then feigned surprise and counted the buds on her prized poppy,’ one two three ….. eight, I’ve got eight flowers’ she exclaimed.

This brought back memories of my mother bending down to give me a kiss on the cheek before I went to school, she wasn’t being affectionate – she was sniffing for soap to make sure I’d washed!

So, in effect Mrs H was stocktaking, I could guarantee she would be re-counting those flowers later when I wasn’t about.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I had to dismantle a drystone wall to get the panel in, once the panel was fixed I had to re-assemble that wall but a little further forward, I’ve solved Rubik’s cubes quicker.

The going along that stretch was so difficult that I only managed one more panel before 3.00pm, but the good news is that I can get past the compost bin without too much fuss, praise be to the Lord!

Tonight at eight it is ‘clap for Key workers’ I have noticed a decline in the past few weeks, I hope that trend doesn’t continue, Hundreds of thousands of these lovely people are still risking their lives daily for us, I feel that now the  Government have relaxed the rules some people take that as ‘it’s all over’ when clearly it isn’t. We went out to join quite a few more people in our road.

Boris and his accomplices are getting quite a bit of flack in the press, the BBC, in particular, seem to make a mountain out of a molehill with any error of judgement this government makes, but then – Boris is trying to scrap the TV licence. A further 338 people lost their lives yesterday.

Friday 22/05/2020 – Day 67

Lovely bit of the wet stuff last night, that to me is the perfect weather, rain all night and sun all day, the sun is out as we speak – but boy, is it windy, bits of trees flying all over the place.

I have to steel myself to go out and finish the last two panels of fencing, good job they’re a bit weighty or I could have lost them lol.

By 2.30 pm I had finished the fence at last, I am so glad I painted it before I erected it, the thought of having to go back and paint over fifty feet of fencing didn’t really appeal to me. Mrs H is over the moon with it, and that to me means ‘Job done’. I have to admit, I am quite proud of myself, it took just three days to paint, erect and finish the fencing, ok, I could have done it in half the time just ten years ago, but for a 68 year old git, I think I did well lol.

Some sad feedback about the 8.00pm clap, a lot of people reporting that there weren’t so many people out to appreciate the NHS and all key workers, yet a lot of the resorts were very busy when the hot weather was with us.

I had a shower after my garden fence experience and decided to weigh myself after I showered, According to my usually spot on bathroom scales I have put on over a stone, that is obviously the weight of my hair which is now resting on my shoulders, and absolutely nothing to do with the copious amounts of bread pudding and Buttermints (yes, I’m back on them).

Sadly a further 352 more deaths were recorded in the last 24 hours, all those families and relatives are in our prayers tonight.

Saturday 23/05/2020 – Day 68

Well, day 68 and this is the second time I have reached this number this year the first occasion being my birthday way back in January when the world was quite normal here in downtown Kidderminster, we have woken up this morning to ferocious wind, (not in the bedroom you understand, Mrs H’s cooking isn’t quite that bad lol) which had been gusting most of the night.

We got up very late as well, Mrs H and myself have been watching the series ‘Ashes to Ashes’ late at night, last night there were only a couple of episodes left, so we decided to watch them as we couldn’t sleep without knowing the outcome, how sad is that? Anyway, we watched till the last minute only to find that one played God, another was the Devil and all the rest had been dead for some time! I really enjoying lying in bed with Mrs H trying to explain what exactly was happening.

We then decided to watch the opening episode of the first series called ‘Life on Mars’ so we were watching everything arse backward which just about sums up our lives at the moment

So, the result was that neither of us woke up until turned 9.00am, three cups of tea and umpteen cups of Latte later we decided we should get dressed. We had already decided that we were having a lazy day so it was best gear on, although Mrs H once again argued that she had nothing to wear!

I get this every year, she complains that she has nothing to wear in May, when I open the overflowing wardrobe she protests that they are all ‘Winter’ clothes, so she buys new stuff, in October she complains she has nothing to wear, when I once again open the overflowing wardrobe she protests that they are all Summer clothes! I have to admit – that woman is good!

As the lady of the house took over my computer to spend wads of my beer vouchers on clothes I decided to make yet another Bread pudding. Just over one hour later I am 110 pounds lighter (sadly, money and not weight) and I am dragging a four-inch deep Bread pudding out of the oven, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

The rest of the day was relatively quiet I am pleased to say. I thought about a walk around the garden in those high winds – and then thought better of it. The only thing getting any exercise in this house is the fridge door at the moment.

At 4’00pm we turned on the TV to listen to the update on coronavirus, we shouldn’t have bothered, one after another every journalist asked the same question, why did the Prime Ministers top adviser Dominic Cummings break lockdown rules by driving 245 miles to drop his 4 year old daughter off at his parent’s house while he and his wife had symptoms, every party is calling for his head  I myself believe it is just tit for tat when the Tories vociferously demanded the resignation of Catherine Calderwood who did the same thing, Bunch of kids the lot of em!

Not one of them seemed particularly concerned that another 282 lives had been lost. On that sad note, I must leave you for another week, before you all fall asleep.

Until next week – God willing, stay safe, stay home.