Diary of a self-isolator week 15

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 21/06/2020 – Day 97

Here we are at the end of week 14, up early this morning and not feeling very well, (don’t all cry at once, there’s enough wet stuff about) and yes, it is raining, I have been assured – nay promised – that the coming week is going to break all records with a heatwave, well, here in God’s own country, the Midlands, at least.

The summer solstice, otherwise known as the longest day of the year, happened yesterday or at least last night at 22.43, for my younger readers this was approximately quarter to eleven While celebrations would usually be taking place at Stonehenge and around the county, these are cancelled because of coronavirus. This basically means that all those pagans and sun worshippers who believe that solstice holds a special power will not be allowed to celebrate the arrival of Summer.

Sun worshippers however will be allowed to gather at any beach of their choosing, strip almost naked and worship the sun in their own way, this may incur some extra expense this year as prices of ice-cream, donkey rides, buckets and spades etc will go through the roof because no-one wants to go abroad.

Apparently the summer solstice happens when the tilt of Earth’s axis is most inclined towards the sun and is directly above the Tropic of Cancer, this happens to Mrs H every Saturday night after a couple of bottles of White Zinfandel Rose’.

When the summer solstice happens in the Northern Hemisphere, the North Pole is tilted about 23.4° (23°27´) toward the Sun, this happens to me after an eight pack of draught Guinness or eight pints of Old Speckled hen.

This phenomenon will last until September 22^nd, (the Summer not the drinking, although….)

Annie Anton, a third-generation witch, suggests this spell for protection, healing, empowering and revitalising.

Create a pouch for psychic dreams, add the visionary herb mugwort and bay leaves, often associated with the Sun.

Add this concoction to a piece of yellow Sun-coloured material and sew this up with red thread – a colour associated with action and fire.

The resulting package should then be placed under your pillow.

Ms Anton said: “This is one of my Nanna’s spells.

“I know this one works. I’ve done it myself, and I still do it.”

This to the ordinary person all seems a bit complex and far-fetched so I’ve made up an easier recipe for you, In layman’s terms this basically means, add the visionary aid magic mushrooms with dock leaves, mixing and stirring’

Add this concoction to a piece of yellow Sun-coloured material such as a banana skin and sew this up with red thread – I suggest knicker elastic from your best briefs as this is a colour and item associated with action and fire.

This should then be placed under your sheets until the smell is so bad that your partner cannot stand it.

This is one of my old man’s spells, only he used his unwashed red socks, I wanted to try it last night but Mrs H has no sense of adventure!

Today was a bitter-sweet sort of day, it was, of course, Father’s Day, celebrated everywhere by those children who are actually lucky enough to know who their father was!

But, as I said, for me personally it is a bitter-sweet day, as some of you may know, we lost our daughter Vickie to cancer in December 2013, she was just 23 years old.

I was up at 6.30 on my own weeping like it had just happened, one of the few times I really get emotional.

But thankfully, I have 2 other daughters, a son and 4 wonderful Grandchildren to snap me out of it, they all came visiting eventually ( I swear my middle daughter was sporting the hangover from hell, the six cans of coke she drank was a bit of a give away) they all brought lovely gifts and I had a wonderful day, I have to say Mrs H can read me like a book and she could see I was probably a bit upset, so she looked after this miserable old git all day, waiting on me hand and foot, this is why I worship that beautiful lady, she is my rock.

Sadly, some fathers were not as lucky as me, a further 43 deaths were recorded in the last 24 hours, may they all rest in peace.

Monday 22/06/2020 – Day 98

Here we go then, the start of our fifteenth week in self-isolation, to be honest, it’s not been a bad journey to date, yes, there were a few hiccups at the start but all in all I think Boris and his mates have done a good job of looking after us all. Right, that’s enough crawling for my mention in the New Year’s Honours list.

Not a bad start to the day actually, the sun is shining and it’s quite warm albeit a little blustery, well, when I say a bit blustery, the sapling in our garden is at fourty five  degrees, but hey, it’s not raining!

Before this lockdown business Monday was always traditionally shopping day for us, a few years ago on my way to retirement I worked as a code controller (don’t ask) at Sainsburys down the road, so their products weren’t too bad as I used to get a staff discount, when I finally came to my senses and left the place it all became a bit too expensive, so Mrs H and myself would get in the car and shop around for the best bargains, it was a bit time consuming to say the least – and then came Aldi.

When they first opened up in town, most of the goods were German and mostly sold out of the box that they arrived in, most importantly they were cheap and if you could put up with the jumble sale technique of their stores then you were onto a winner price wise.  But things have changed now, their supermarkets have been tidied up and the shopping has become a nice experience, ok, prices have gone up slightly but still a lot cheaper than Sainsbury’s.

The one thing that hasn’t changed however is the whole checkout experience, everything is going smoothly you have found everything you want and then you reach the checkout and all hell breaks loose!

You are lulled into a false sense of security by the checkout girl three metres away smiling nicely while you load your delicate groceries onto the conveyer belt, she can’t start putting it through because you have the trolley, gingerly, you make your way to the till and her, then she starts, that lovely prim young lady changes into a she devil – no one can put the groceries through like her – she is superhuman, the groceries you have carefully selected come flying at you, panic sets in and you use your arm to sweep everything into the trolley, this results in dented tins, broken biscuits and toothpaste squirting everywhere, and still it comes, its not her fault that you left all the heavy stuff till last, now you are dropping frozen chicken and 10 kilo of potatoes  onto the already broken biscuits and those eggs that the frenzied checkout girl has already checked to make sure that none were broken, then finally the lovely birthday card for your grandson lands crumpled onto the heap in your trolley as egg yolks drip on to the floor.

The girl is now back to her normal self, smiling innocently, the till spews out a bill which is so big that it takes longer to print than the grocery took to put through.

I am normally a well organised sane man, but believe me – by the time I have come through that checkout I feel that my sanity has been well tested – I feel like I have gone through a car wash, without the car!

Deaths recorded in the last 24 hours are now down to 15, the toll hasn’t been this low since March 15^th, but as usual, we are in weekend figures and apologies, but I don’t altogether trust the people that run our government.

Tuesday 23/06/2020 – Day 99

Today as you can see is day 99, this for some unknown reason reminded me of an ice-cream with a flake in it lol. I was sat here at 6.20 am when Mrs H shouted down the stairs that there was someone at the door, Thinking it may have been someone in a black gown carrying a scythe I hesitated, as I made my way through the hallway I saw a person in a hi-vis vest, it was our free grocery delivery! He must have been up all night!

Yesterday was a mixed day, Pinocchio popped up again as Mrs H  wrote her new list of growing jobs, but the best job of all was my haircut! Yes, after weeks of promises Mrs H finally found a pair of scissors which she hadn’t blunted whilst pruning flower stems and my hair, enough to stuff a couple of teddy bears, was soon lying all over the decking, sadly she’s not too good on the old thinning out, but I suppose looking like a grey haired Beatle isn’t too much of a bad thing, most men I know are as bald as coots!

My next job was to repair a round convex mirror that once belonged to Mrs H’s Gran, when I say repair I don’t mean the actual glass – I’m good, but not that good – no, it was just the plywood backing that needed replacing, trouble was with my new haircut I immediately became a bit of a Narcissus looking at my new reflection in the mirror lol.

Next, while Mrs H was on the phone to our daughter I trimmed two hedges and a bush, gave the table another coat of paint, put my new signs up by the BBQ and painted the front wall, well, I didn’t actually paint the front wall but you get the gist, I swear, those two could talk a glass eye to sleep!

Mrs H appeared just in time to give me strict instructions as to how and where I should trim the overgrown grape vine, believe me, there’s nothing worse than having your newly cut hair ruffled and lost in foliage whilst someone down below sounds like Anne Aston from the Golden Shot, ‘Up a bit, left a bit, down a bit fire I mean cut!

So, Our Prime Minister Boris Johnson was at the podium today, you know that when he’s on that there are going to be sweeping changes, he changed the social distancing measure to one metre plus? Announced new plans for pubs, restaurants and a lot more places to open, and he also announced that this would be the last Downing street announcement, the daily briefing would be no more after today, Boris, you are running before you have learned to walk in my humble opinion. The number of people with the virus continues to grow every day, while the total deaths in the past 24 hours was 280.

Wednesday 24/05/2020 – Day 100

Well, we have finally reached this milestone in our lockdown period, I am sat here pushing away at the keys to bring you this font of knowledge and wondering if we’ll get a telegram from the Queen.

Today is also my youngest Grandsons birthday, he is 12 years old, it doesn’t seem like five minutes since I was having my picture took with him as a new born baby (he was new born – not me) but the thought of the day was do we get to see him on his birthday.

I have to inform you by the way that Mrs H has conned me into building her the long awaited bar, if you recall, I had already placated her wants and needs by putting a lovely top on a bathroom side cabinet that her Gran once owned, well since then our darling daughter has had a wonderful bar built outside by her brother. You should know at this stage that Mrs H and our daughter spend hours on the phone to each other plotting and scheming and thinking up new ways to deceive my son in law and myself, they say that the apple never falls far from the tree. So, the upshot is – after a long conversation with our daughter – that the pathetic little bar I made, no longer suits her purpose. First of all she asked if she could have a couple of shelves above the pathetic bar, I thought that’s no problem, but then I was manipulated and cajoled (only you good Ladies will know this manoeuvre) into replacing the pathetic bar top with a much bigger half moon bar top that would take all the little cocktail items that my daughter had been collecting for her mum around town! By the time I had added a couple of shelves it had turned into a cocktail bar and I had been well and truly had!

The good news is that we did see our grandson, we were all outside and all social distancing rules were observed and we really enjoyed it once Mrs H had remembered which side of the road to drive on and we had got over our nerves, My other Grandson fetched me pie and chips from the fish shop to take home for my supper and all was once more well with the world. But, having said that, we won’t be rushing anywhere in the near future, far too stressful.

With no further daily broadcast numbers I now have to rely on the press or the internet to keep me up to date, there were a further 154 deaths recorded in the last 24 hours.

Thursday 25/06/2020 – Day 101

It was so hot last night that we had to sleep with all the windows open, problem is of course that we live on a main road, and sure enough at 4.00 am I was awoken by a Sainsburys wagon thundering past, the rules on night deliveries were lifted during the start of coronavirus, problem is that someone forgot to put them back in place.

I got up at 5.00am went downstairs opened the back door and the patio door and wallowed like a great hippo in the cool air flowing through. The sky is cloudless and completely blue, it is early morn and the temperature is already at 25c, I politely suggested to Mrs H that perhaps we should have a day of rest as it was going be far too hot to do anything comfortably, she readily agreed as she melted into a garden relaxer.

Hadn’t heard from George for quite a time, should I ring him? Perhaps I’ll give it another day, No, I should definitely ring him, anyway, we needed eggs. After what seemed like an age he picked up the phone, without allowing me to answer said—

“On my way to the shop, I’ll be right over”.

George arrived at the door wearing a bright green 1970’s shell suit that had obviously seen better days and had more wrinkles than the skin beneath it, “what on earth are you wearing that for?” I asked.

I couldn’t believe his reply “ I’m on a keep fit plan, this used to belong to the wife and it was the only thing I could find that didn’t need washing, I was going to wear my camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find em. I’ve just jogged all the way over here, well, when I say jogged, I walked quite fast, now I’m going to jog all the way to the supermarket, get your eggs and jog back”

Then he was gone! An hour later a taxi pulled up and a rather deflated George staggered out.

“ Never again” he said, “I was in Asda and a little old lady kept bothering me to get her things, after the fourth time I refused and she started belting me with her brolly, the manager came running over to stop her and he got some too, it turned out that because of this damn shell suit she thought I was staff, It’s my missus haunting me, getting revenge, I swear.” With a feeble wave of the hand he slithered into the back of the taxi and was gone.

I relaxed back into my garden chair soaking up the sun and watching ‘bouncer’ defecate all over the memory bench, we think the Robins may now have chicks as they are both coming out to feed.

According to the online news a further 149 lost their lives to this coronavirus.

Friday 26/06/2020 – Day 102

Thunderstorms are forecast for today, thank goodness for that I’ve been sweating cobs for the last two days.

‘Sweating cobs comes from an old Black Country saying and means sweating profusely as in this old Bilston song.

Whenever you see a train go by
Or hear an engine’s whistle cry,
Think of the man on the old footplate
shovelling coal, the driver’s mate.

A loco fireman is me grade
Boiling water is me trade,
The driver thinks he runs the show
But if I’m not there the train won’t go.

Heaving coal for a hungry fire
Sweating cobs to get steam higher,
Of the collier’s harvest that I burn
With toil and sweat, me wages earn.

There you go, another snippet from the useless information department.  One thing I have discovered about this heat is that Buttermints shrink, every morning before venturing out I but a few sweets in my pocket, just for comfort of course, something to suck on, anyway as the day goes on and in the heat they start to shrink and flatten, still taste as good though, I’m now up to eight bags a week..

I have decided today – after looking in the full length bedroom mirror – that I am going on a diet, yes you read that correctly, so, no more bread pudding, no more biscuits, no more cakes and lot’s of good healthy salad, I will not however, give up my Buttermints, I will attempt to cut them down to a bag a day though.

Mrs H bless her has been growing her own strawberries and tomatoes, the tomatoes are plentiful and filling out nicely, but I feel sorry for what awaits them, the strawberries fully ripened have yet to make it back to the house! There seems to be a sort of Bermuda triangle between the greenhouse and the kitchen where – no matter what is grown – it disappears without trace.

I was watching the news this evening and there is great concern that the death total has risen for the first time for weeks, 184 poor souls have lost their lives, with people swarming to the beaches, marching through streets and celebrating football wins I fear it will get worse.

Saturday 27/06/2020 – Day 103

It has actually rained in the night but the thunderstorms predicted by Shefali (our local weather girl) failed to happen, it is spitting with rain as I type.

Trouble is – what to do on a wet weekend morning. Of course, Saturday mornings as a child were always reserved for the ABC Minors show come hail or sunshine, it was the highlight of the week.

Seven or eight of us would gather in the street sixpences clutched tightly in hands, we would then set out on the three mile walk to the Cinema in town, there was never enough money for bus fare as well. When we arrived we’d pick straws to see who was going in first, the chosen one would then pay to go in, then make his way casually to the fire exit to let the rest of us in free of charge, that poor manager had 350 screaming kids and only about 120 of them had paid!

Then there was competition time, it was usually the twist, about 12 kids would twist away to Chubby Checker, then the manager would put his hand above each child and the loudest cheer won. Then of course there was birthday time when anyone with a birthday was invited up to get a gift, my mate curly had 7 birthdays one year.

This was followed by the ‘bouncing ball’ as we all sang…

We are the boys and girls well known as
Minors of the ABC
And every Saturday we line up
To see the films we like
And shout aloud with glee
We love to laugh and have a sing-song
Just a happy crowd are we
We’re all pals together
We’re minors of the ABC.

We were then treated to a plethora of entertainment, like Tom and Jerry, Laurel and Hardy or the Three Stooges, and Westerns featuring immaculately clean and well-dressed cowboys such as Roy Rogers, Tom Mix or Hopalong Cassidy and of course The Lone Ranger.

Best of all were the serials, of which a 30-minute episode was shown each week.  They included Kit Carson, a Western hero up against the Mystery Riders, and Batman, but my favourite was ‘Rocket Man’ (no not Elton John) who had a pack strapped onto his back enabling him to fly long before Superman.

It would always end in a cliffhanger of course, this would ensure that you returned next week.

You rubbed your eyes as you left and saw daylight for the first time in 2 hours, there would be continuous slapping of the backside as you rode the imaginary horse and emulated the heroes you had just watched as you made your way to the chippy to spend the tanner you’d saved.

Happy days!

Did I tell you that I used to work in a helium factory, I left a few days later .. I wasn’t going to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Another 100 families affected by this virus in the past 24 hours when a further 100 people lost their lives, the Government may think we are on the mend but the figures tell a different tale.

Well, I fear that I have bored you enough for another week, Please, stay safe over the next week and stay away from beaches.

Next week – God willing.