Diary of a self-isolator – week 12

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday31/05/2020 – Day 76

Here we are on Day 76 and straight away that song came into my head ’ Seventy six trombones led the big parade, With a hundred & ten cornets close at hand.’ Now I bet you can’t get it out of your head either.

We are at the end of our eleventh week in lockdown and of course at the end of one of the hottest May months on record, with the exception of those in Scotland and the North. According to my boss at Screwfix, I am due back at work next Tuesday and even though I am on the Extremely Critically Vulnerable list no-one in government has told me that I must still stay at home – very confusing.

I have been looking for ages now for some half decent masonry paint (for the uninitiated among you, it paints stone or brickwork, for those of you who knew – apologies), I only painted it last year when my lovely son finished it, but me being the meanest bloke in the Midlands, well, I only bought the cheapest paint I could find, so, as I say, I have been scouring the T’internet for a couple of weeks now, I really wanted Dulux Weathershield in a darkish grey, I found the exact colour and typed it in the search box, every time I clicked on a site it said ‘out of stock’ or ‘stock arriving soon’, my heart skipped a beat when I went on to the actual Dulux site, I typed in the colour and guess what – yep, those lovely words popped up ‘out of stock’.

How on earth can the people who actually make the stuff be out of stock!

Anyway, I persevered and saw B in a Queue pop up, I really didn’t want to bother but being curious I typed in those magic words, lo and behold , they had two 5ltr pots of exactly what I needed, I pressed order, then go to checkout and paid by Paypal to ‘click and collect the following day.

I sometimes wish I would think before I do things, as soon as I hit the button it came to me – how was I to get it if I am on lockdown, time to phone the son methinks. The alternative was to pay £30 delivery, my heart almost stopped at the thought. He was quite amiable and said he would fetch the goods next day for me, what a nice lad, but then people always say he’s the spit out of my mouth!

Had to clean out my pond again today, but jaws wouldn’t leave me alone, He is a two foot Koi carp and can eat for England. I have two pumps, one used to go through the filters and the other used as a bubbler to create oxygen, Jaws is always around them and is basically just a nosey fish, whatever I do he comes over to have a look, if what I am doing involves putting my hands in the water – which it inevitably does – then he comes over to lick me, I have to tell you that fish has the raspiest tongue ever! He could smooth wood,  He also allows me to stroke him while the smaller fish bustle around, all in all I have a very friendly pond and just wanted to share that with you.

Today is also Whit Sunday, I remember when we were children the Whit parade going around the town, mostly made up of Sunday school groups dangerously crowded on the back of flat bed wagons, but there were a lot of factory entries in our town, all led by the local army band, it was the only time of the year we had new clothes, those new clothes would inevitably be school uniforms, but it didn’t matter to us, to smell a nice new crispy shirt that my brother hadn’t been wearing for a few years (Mother did wash it I hasten to add) was a real blessing, then of course it was off to the pub, Vimto and plain crisps (looking for the little bag of blue salt), while sat out the back of the local, it doesn’t seem much today but back then it was our world, it was the only time my miserable old dad ever took us all out, Mind you,I don’t blame him, walking to the parade must have looked like a scene from The Sound of Music with all my siblings walking behind lol!

I have to admit that for the first time since this crazy virus took over I am very worried about the easing of the lockdown, I personally think that the government are running before they can walk, I have been told today that some people on the extremely vulnerable scheme have received text messages from the government saying they are no longer eligible for the Tuesday food boxes, no-one knows what is happening. Sadly 113 lost their lives yesterday, I send a prayer and a thought for all those poor families

Monday 01/06/2020 – Day 77

Here we go with the start of week 12 and of course the first day of June, hope you all said white rabbits three times first thing this morning. I actually remembered to turn the calendar over too.

The first book I ever read in Junior school in full was ‘Shane’ played brilliantly by Alan Ladd in the 1953 film of the same name, the plot and that book is forever embedded in the basement of this rusty old mind full of snippets  from the useless information department.

So, why is he sharing this mind-boggling fact with us I hear you shout. Well, it’s because that little bugger Pinocchio has reared his ugly head again, yes, his nose is the longest it’s ever been, for those of you who are new to this pile of garbage I churn out week after week, Pinocchio’s nose is my way of informing my readers that ‘er indoors’ or Mrs H as she has become fondly known has been adding more jobs to my ever growing list of to do’s.

How does ‘Shane’ fit into this scenario? Well, Mrs H’s latest instructions involve me on my knees on a kneeling mat chopping away at those roots that have had the nerve – nay audacity – to invade her precious growing space, We all have one of those bushes that look lovely when first planted, but by the next season they have baby shoots popping up in the immediate area, Mrs H is having none of that, so yesterday using the royal ‘we’ (we’ve all been there lads) she decided that ‘we’ should remove the aforementioned invaders, therefore ‘we’ were up early this morning, one of us was ready for anything the day was going to throw at us (working clothes) whilst the other one looks as though they have just stepped off the shoot of a Vogue magazine get together.

Now that brings me safely back to Shane and the scene where he is determined to get that stubborn tree stump out of the ground in one day, well that was me, I was sweating more than a Vicar at a tarts convention, hacking away at the roots, muddy streaks running down my face, then came those words from the sunbathing beauty ‘Fancy a cup of tea?’

Never mind the tea, I can’t wait till July when the pubs are open again, it’s the only way I’ll be able to cut down on my drinking at last.

The Health secretary led the 5.00pm catch up today, I swear he was on the verge of ecstatic when he mentioned that only 111 people had died in the past 24 hours, ONLY? Surely one is one too many.

Tuesday 02/06/2020 – Day 78

Another really sunny day here in downtown Kidderminster, I am sat here adding yet more to the Tesco online shopping order watching the total getting higher and higher, Does anyone recall the lager advert series ‘If only Carlsberg did supermarkets’ well I’m sat here thinking ‘if only Aldi did home deliveries’.

I can hear a constant tapping outside, I look to the left and that cheeky bird ‘Bouncer’ has only brought his missus or a mate along! Bouncer is the bird that literally bounces up and down in front of the mirror above the memorial bench in our garden, he has been coming here for months a few times daily to relieve himself all over my newly painted seating, and now he has brought a mate along and I have twice the mess – bless him! (I know it’s a male because women would tidy up after themselves).

After chasing them off for the umpteenth time I continue shopping and remember I am running out of the amber nectar, as you all know, I am a lover of Guinness, but sometimes – especially when it’s hot – I fancy something I can really get my teeth into, (No, I don’t mean a night glass with a Steradent tablet in) so I have discovered the best drink of beer – not lager, that’s council pop – is Old Speckled Hen, it’s nice and smooth and doesn’t hurt my throat when swallowed in copious amounts, which, for on old beer drinker like me is very important.

I digress, Old Speckled hen apparently owes its name, not to a bird but to a car! A paint splattered featherweight MG saloon which was the factory run around, it was always parked under the paint shop and bore the colours of years of paint sprayings, so it became known as the ‘Owld Speckled Un’ in 1979 it was the name of the beer. There you are, another snippet from the useless information department, the stuff you learn on here eh!

Mrs H and I wait with bated breath for the arrival of our grocery box, for the uninitiated this is the box that the Government gives out free, we give ours to our elderly neighbours who haven’t got access to a computer, although, he applied for it by post and never got a reply, their need is, therefore, greater than ours. Anyway, if it doesn’t arrive then I too will have been exterminated from the precious list.

Myself and Mrs H were sat (yes I know, but I have to rest now and again) looking at our rather tired looking dining table top, this is a table I ‘knocked up’ a few years back using a load of excess planking, The idea of stripping it down and re-painting it didn’t really appeal to me, then I had a brainwave and thought ‘why don’t I use a door for a top’, I looked online and good old B in a Queue came up with the goods at a very reasonable price. Just like the rain – I am expecting it any day now, I hope at least one of them arrives!

Sadly after a couple of low weekend figures the reality of this virus returned when a further 329 lost their lives in the last day. May they all rest in peace.

Wednesday 03/06/2020 – Day 79

Here we are at the third of the month already, where does the time go? Seems like only a couple of days ago I was mouthing ‘white rabbits’, Oh it was! It was raining through the night and is still raining now, I call that sod’s law, I spent a whole day last week re-setting the irrigation system because it was so hot.

The grocery box turned up eventually yesterday and they actually had the right address! The neighbours were over the moon. This of course, means that I am also still on the governments ‘most wanted’ list.

I was sat having my tenth cup of tea and my twelfth custard cream at about 9am and listening to Gold radio, when for some unknown reason started to think about my mate George, he hadn’t phoned for almost a week, and I do worry. I almost dropped my cup as the phone rang and it was him. “I need to tell you about my dozy sister up North, apparently she went to the chemist and asked if they had any face masks, they hadn’t, the young girl apologised and said she should try Boots, she spent most of the day in A & E waiting to have the wedged boot removed from her head, she said she could hear the doctors laughing right down the corridor” I am sure I heard chuckling when, as usual,  the phone went dead. The problem I have with George is that I never know when he’s being serious.

As I said it’s been raining most of the day so I took the opportunity to get into the loft in search of an ice bucket that Mrs H has been searching for. It’s an old retro bucket with a horses head handle, I haven’t got around to putting a proper light up there yet but I do have a lead lamp high in the roof that I plug in below. I started searching through the black bags and cardboard boxes, it was like a scene from Cash in the Attic.

I felt like Drew Pritchard in Salvage Hunters, sorting through the bags and sifting through boxes, the years of my children growing up safely tucked away or wrapped in bubble wrap, some really sentimental items and some from my youngest daughter that brought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat.  The ice bucket was really important because her dad had given it to her. I liked my father in law, he called a spade a spade and you knew where you stood with him, besides the fact that he was a great drinking partner. Now the mother in law, well she was different, I was never good enough for her, although, we did get on in later life, I used to call her the ‘Excorcet’ (missile) because you knew she was coming but there was nothing you could do about it! I found the ice bucket eventually and descended the steps triumphantly covered in dust and looking like a dark Homepride Flour Grader silently praying that it didn’t rain tomorrow.

Surprisingly the number of deaths has risen again today, that is very unusual and I can’t remember it happening this side of the peak, but it has risen to 359.

Thursday 04/06/2020 – Day 80

Well here we are at day eighty and I am very pleased to announce that Mrs H and myself are still happily married. The other thing that strangely came straight into my head was a wonderful film from 1956, It starred David Niven with a cameo role from Frank Sinatra, it was called ‘Around the World in 80 Days’ wonder if anyone remembers it.

Anyway, enough of this constant twaddle, Today my door/table top arrived, I must say the delivery was spot on, you could track the driver and being the boring old fart that I am (and because it was raining) I followed him all over the Midlands, by the time he eventually got here I felt like I had known him all my life, I was going to put him on my Christmas card list until I asked him to put it down the side of the house,

“ Pass me a screwdriver and I’ll hang it for you” he said with a hint of sarcasm.

“Wouldn’t trust you to do that” I quipped, “Been following you all over the Midlands on the tracker, you backtracked so many times, I thought you were on an elastic band”.

He pulled the roller shutter down and huffed as he got into his cab and drove away as I smiled wryly. As a child growing up with Blue Peter, taught me the importance of empathy, kindness and enhanced my education, Bugs Bunny on the other hand taught me that revenge on my enemies should be swift, clever and brutal!

Having had more jobs than the Fugitive (Richard Kimble 1963 – 67 TV programme) I have heard them all in my years at the grindstone, some of my favourites were;

“go down the boiler house and get me a bucket of steam”

“Nip to the engineering shop and get me a left-handed spanner”

“Go and ask the bricklayer if he’s got a spare bubble for my spirit level”

“Go to the stores and fetch me a tin of tartan paint and a straight hook to hang

It on.

Most of these are well worn, but in fifty odd years no wit has yet improved the introduction to apprentices or the new boy on the site.

An update on Bouncer and his new mate, I hadn’t seen them for two days and was wondering why, I had left a spade and a lawn edger on the bench, perhaps it was putting them off, then I walked down the garden and there they were happily bouncing off a statues head which had been placed in front of another mirror, the statue is of a girl holding an Urn, she looked as though she was crying but on closer inspection, it was bird poo.

Why is it that the less you do the more tired you are, I have had a relatively cushy couple of days this week, yet I feel more tired than ever, I was so tired last night that I could have ‘gone to sleep on a clothesline’. That saying comes from the old Doss houses around the country at the start of the twentieth century and especially the recession of the 1930’s,  when vagrants and the unemployed needed a place for the night the hostels would inevitably become overcrowded and all the beds taken with sometimes two to each space, so the enterprising owners would tie a rope from one wall to another stretching across the room, and charge the old gents to lean on it, they would literally hang over the rope, hence the expression ‘I could go to sleep on a clothesline’.

The transport secretary announced today that no-one will be allowed to travel on public transport unless wearing a face mask, he also announced that 176 had lost their lives in the last 24 hours.

Friday 05/06/2020 – Day 81

Well, the wet stuff has been causing a lot of hindrances here in the Harvey mansion. No, Mrs H hasn’t been on the wine again, I meant rain!

So far since January we have had severe flooding, then the driest May on record, so dry in fact that Water boards up and down the country have asked everyone to use water sparingly, now it’s hardly stopped again in two days – you couldn’t make it up could you.

The new garden table is well underway, my son got me some wood from B in a Queue and I have been in the repair shop most of the day, I have made up the frames for the legs, the top has been given 1 coat of primer and all necessary filling done.

I think Mrs H is very lucky being married to me, I absolutely love DIY so she gets all her jobs done without me moaning, I do as I’m told and I never dis her (apparently dis is street jargon for disrespect), I am a nice bloke who helps her in the garden and I worship the ground the little beauty walks on – now, where did I put that catalogue of tools?

I said casually to Mrs H yesterday “If this virus get’s me, I’m leaving everything to you”

Her reply? “You already do you lazy sod”.

Is it just me or does my Friday blog always seem short to you? I just have a lazy day  or It’s as though I’m wearing out as the week goes on lol.

A sudden rise in deaths was announced again today, the total was 357 in the last 24 hours, yet still we are told everything is ok.

Saturday 06/06/2020 – Day 82

The start of another weekend, not that you’d know  as the days all seem to roll into one, it’s very blustery out there, Mrs H’s roses and poppies are bending in the wind as I look out into the garden. I really hope that the poppy in particular survives the gusts, because as we all know it is a symbol of all those who fell in battle. Today is poignant inasmuch as it is the 76^th anniversary of D Day, the day when so many gave their lives that we may live in freedom. We shall remember them. Sadly with this cursed virus no parades are planned.

I am debating with myself as to whether or not I should make myself another Bread pudding, my heart says yes but the stomach extending well over the belt says no. my heart wins outright and I head off to the kitchen leaving ‘Bouncer’ and his new mate to freely crap all over my newly painted bench!

Another favourite my dear old Mum used to make was Corned beef stew, now a lot of people call this Corned beef hash, but to us it was stew, Mum would put a big pan of potatoes on at about 11.00am and bring them to the boil, she would then add coking onions, then let it hackle (simmer) for most of the day, finally the Corned beef went in, it is extremely expensive these days but back then it was a cheap meal, so about 5 o clock it would be ready, looked a bit like gruel, but with lots of dry bread it was lovely. In those days Mondays was stew day, this was when the last of the Sunday joint was used up, again, lots of vegetables, and mothers special dumplings, I hated stew, it was full of things like parsnips which I still cannot eat to this day, so I would have a fry up, this consisted of any dinner left from Sunday which would be fried in a frying pan and eaten with a covering of brown sauce and lashings of dry bread, happy days!

Meanwhile, I am trying to avoid Mrs H, the reason? She has ordered some plants and shrubs from a local nursery and they haven’t turned up yet, actually the nursery had a fire on Friday afternoon, thankfully no-one was hurt and only a small section was destroyed, so they may just be running late. But these are Mrs H’s plants and she is up and down like Harrods lift checking the traffic outside. About 4.00pm she opened the front door and there they were – on the doorstep. No-one had rung the bell and only part of her order was there, Me? I’m hiding all the kitchen knives!

Well, that’s it for another week, I am wondering what I should do with this blog when this all over, maybe it’ll be near bonfire night.