Diary of a self-isolator – week 11

A lighthearted look at a few memories and the situation over the last seven days in our house.

Sunday 24/05/2020 – Day 69

Here we are at the end of week 10, and that wind has finally dropped, meanwhile I look like Little Jimmy Osmond’s ‘Long Haired Lover from Liverpool’ and I seriously need to lose some weight.

So as soon as I have eaten my four Weetabix and my five slices of bread pudding I am going around to the neighbour’s to cut his side of the one hundred foot long privet hedge. I’m wondering if he is going to mention the new fence.

Well, it is now 2.00pm and that’s another three hours of my life I won’t get back, that’s how long it took to cut the neighbour’s hedge, clear it all up and then drag his overloaded brown recycling bin to the front of his house. There was mention of the new fence when he said that the hedge needed lowering by at least two foot, ‘It’s getting bigger’ he said, I replied that the hedge was not getting bigger – he was shrinking! ‘

‘’Anyway, if we took two feet off the top you’d see my new panels, I had to put them up because after we took three foot off my side last year it never grew back’’, he was very apologetic and offered me a Guinness or a Cider though bless him.

I do like having a little chat even though we are both social distancing, his  knowledge of the past is really interesting, his one daughter is a nurse at the local Doctor’s surgery and  she turned up when I had almost finished. She was telling her dad and myself about one of her patients who had cancer, (no names were mentioned), well apparently this sweet little old lady was at the end of her treatment but still had to have one last but very important injection, so the nurse said to her over the phone..

“You know that the doctor’s surgery is in lockdown Mrs …., well you must have this last injection, but you can’t come into the building, so I need you to drive down to the surgery, come on to the car park, get yourself ready and blow on your horn twice so we know you’re here, then I’ll come out and give you your injection and you can go home”

Half an hour later the nurse heard the car horn toot twice, she got her stuff ready and went outside to see Mrs…….’s  bare ample backside wedged in the unwound passenger window!

“Mrs ….! What are you doing?”

“You told me to get ready” came the innocent voice from the other end.

“But this injection’s in your arm” replied the nurse stifling a laugh.

It is a sad day in the Harvey social calendar today, every year for the past ten years or so at this time we have been on holiday with our friends Janet and John, they are really excellent company when out,  we’ve had some great trips over the years including Italy, Spain, Fuerteventura and lots more places.

But my favourites were when we went touring Scotland and the following year Southern Ireland.

We were in Edinburgh at the castle when I was in need of some cash and wondered if there was anywhere on the grounds, John, who always runs everywhere set off and came back a few minutes later and said’ There’s a hole in the wall (slang for cash machine) up there’ pointing to a steep incline, I was slightly knackered after a long day but I struggled up the incline as John was signalling below that I should turn right, as I turned I saw the arrow slit in the castle wall, I could hear John and the others roaring with laughter, he’d had me a good un as they say.

I’ll tell you what happened in Ireland later.

Poor old Boris was on the podium at 5.00pm tonight, and guess what – with the exception of one – every question was about Dominic Cummings breaking the lockdown rules, after watching Boris slowly losing his cool I turned the TV off, I found out later that there were a further 118 losses of life in the past 24 hours.

Monday 25/05/2020 – Day 70

So starts my eleventh week in lockdown. And really, I have gone full circle, as I am going out to cut my lawns, this was the first job I did on my first day of self-isolation ten weeks ago, I hasten to add that I have cut the grass in between those times (unlike my hair lol)

It’s a lovely warm sunny day here and has promised to be for at least the next seven days. It is also a Bank Holiday.

I haven’t seen the postman for over a week now and I’m beginning to wonder if he has been sacked for taking his black and white cat to work with him.

George phoned and was really angry I asked him what’s wrong, he said he had been trying in vain to open his shed door but it had ceased shut, I asked why he didn’t phone his neighbour to help him, they didn’t have to meet, George, forever suspicious, said he wasn’t talking to him because he was writing an autobiography but wouldn’t tell him who it was about! I sometimes worry about that man.

I said I wouldn’t mention politics again on here but I feel I have no choice, today’s news once more had nothing to do with coronavirus or those who are suffering from this disease, the frenzied media want Cummings job, end of. It all culminated in Dominic Cummings being ‘grilled’ by the press for almost an hour, after he had given a long statement, had he just apologised it could have all been over by now. We are now awaiting Boris Johnsons speech from No10, we live in a sad old world with all these Cummings and goings. (well actually, he hasn’t gone yet and therein lies the problem)

I was putting our dustbin out (again) on Sunday when a group of elderly bicycle riders went past, it seemed to be an attempt to keep fit,  bringing up the rear was a really overweight chap puffing and panting, as I looked back his very minute shorts were showing where he obviously parked his bike when he wasn’t using it.

Among all the questions about Cummings the BBC managed to tell us that a further 121 had lost their lives in 24 hours.

Tuesday 26/05/2020 – Day 71

Excitement reigns in the Harvey household today, Mrs H has a delivery of new clothes (sob) from Next online, and we have our Tesco grocery order coming between 2 and 3, it doesn’t take much to get us excited these days.

I said yesterday I would tell you a bit about a tour of Ireland, well, we got to Cork and had a text saying our overnight lodgings had been changed due to overbooking, so we were directed to a row of four storey terraced properties all looking very smart with the exception of one grotty looking house in the middle of the row,

“I’ll bet that’s ours” Janet said,

We sat in the car as John ran across the road and sure enough, he disappeared into the grotty house, a few minutes later he emerged, as he crossed the road we could see he was suppressing his laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Mrs H asked.

But he wouldn’t tell us, we struggled across the road and through the front door to be greeted by the smallest landlady in Cork! I kid you not Leprechauns would have looked down on her, but what she laked in stature she more than made up for in kindness, she was really sweet with a lovely soft Irish accent..

She had an apron on that was obviously made for someone a lot taller and it had started to curl over her toes, it was splattered in dried food, we didn’t need a menu, she was covered in everything she had cooked in the last week!

“ Ah, there you are now, come in, come in, we don’t stand on ceremony here,”

The temptation to say ‘You are standing?’ passed me by.

She made us a lovely cup of tea and we went to our rooms, escorted by the Landlady’s son who – at four foot eleven – was a giant next to his Mum.

Myself and Mrs H walked into ours and couldn’t believe what we were seeing, how can I explain?

Have you ever seen Alice in Wonderland? This was what we were seeing, The door, from the headboard looked very little and the room went down on such a slope that we needed mountaineering ropes just to get into bed, Mrs H sat on the loo and couldn’t get her knees in to shut the door lol. We took a stroll out on the night and didn’t dare have too much to drink for fear of rolling out of bed onto that sloping floor, and God forbid we should want to use the inaccessible loo, I have to say though, the rest of the holiday was brilliant, we all love Ireland and go to Dublin regularly for the weekend,  and our Cork experience was a lot of fun.

With the success of my bread pudding still hanging heavily in my tummy I thought I’d have a go at another home-made favourite my old mum used to make when we were children, In those days – unlike today – cheese didn’t go mouldy, bit would get a very hard rind on it if left unused. Mum used to cut the hard bits off and keep them –(In a sealed dish) then at the end of the month she would boil and mash a whole lot of spuds, grate the cheese and mix the lot together, into the gas oven (which seemed never to go out) and the result one hour later would be one crispy topped cheese and potato pie.

I followed the recipe to a tee, the result was good, but not as good or as tasty as my mum’s, I put loads of mature grated cheese in yet I still can’t get that authentic taste my mum got. I blame the tasteless ‘rubberised’ cheese these supermarkets foist on us, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it just as my pie stuck to the bowl!

Well, we waited and waited and waited, but our little man never arrived with our Government box of groceries, we didn’t mind,  but we share it with our neighbours and we were worried that  they didn’t think we thought it so nice that we had kept it for ourselves. That evening at 8.30pm our doorbell rang and there stood the chap from Wolverley who has exactly the same address as us except ours is Kidderminster and his is – well obviously – Wolverley, He is staggering under the weight of a large box of groceries, they normally catch the driver as he attempts to leave it but this time they had missed him, the driver has said on more than one occasion that his sat-nav takes him there. All he has to do is change the address to Kidderminster!

The Cummings debate continues sadly fuelled by the BBC and the British media, I was surprised that they bothered to tell us that 134 poor souls had lost their lives.

Wednesday 26/05/2020 – Day – Day 72

Another really sunny day for us today, I had forgotten to order my Weetabix in yesterday’s order so I was looking for an alternative breakfast while Mrs H was still pushing the zzz’s out.

I searched the cupboard found something called Weetos which were basically little circles of brown wheat, I would rather eat my own tongue! Then I came across some wholegrain traditional oats, I checked out the recipe on the back and thought ‘what could go wrong’.

The recipe said one and a half pints of water or, if you liked your porridge a little creamier then half milk and half water, which I put into a saucepan, it filled it to the top, Me being of the male variety I thought, there’s no room for the oats, so I poured it into the next size up, this left the liquid about two inches from the top. The recipe said to add 40g of oats to the liquid, I like everything done by the book so I weighed it on the kitchen scales, it was hardly two table spoons full, I ,looked at the liquid then back at the scales and thought ‘That’s not nearly enough’ I kept pouring it in until eventually I had used nearly half of  the 500gram packet, big mistake No 1.

I gave it a good stir and shoved it on the cooker turned it up to six and waited, I must have put it on the wrong ring, because ten minutes later it was hardly warm, The back ring was a lot bigger and a double ring, so I turned that up to six and put the pan on there, I was stirring it and it still only looked like a bowl of gruel from the tales of Oliver Twist – so I added a few more oats, second mistake, I then left it and jumped on my computer thinking ‘this housekeeping business is a doddle, don’t know what Mrs H moans about’, a few minutes later there was a burning smell filling my nostrils, I rushed into the kitchen to find that Mount Vesuvius was erupting from my saucepan and spreading all over Mrs H’s pristine ceramic cooker top, I pulled it off quickly put it on the grid and tried to wipe the top, third mistake! Never try wiping a very hot ceramic top with one of those sponge scourer things, they melt!

I managed eventually to clear up with the help of scourers and a scraper, the pan was still steaming so I managed to get some of the porridge out to eat, It wasn’t bad actually, but when I went back for a second helping I almost bent the spoon trying, it had just solidified as it cooled – much like lava from an eruption, my next hour was spent in the repair shop (garage) chiselling out the remains from Mrs H’s best saucepan, Never again!

Having cut the lawns and with all the promised hot weather I thought I might take the opportunity to sort the irritation sorry irrigation system out, it is all over the place since we have moved borders and erected the new fence. Mrs H always insists that it is spot on and every – and I mean EVERY – plant is covered. It is a system of smaller pipes coming off larger pipes going all around the garden (great in a hose pipe ban, just turn the tap on and no-one is any the wiser lol). Inevitably the small outlets get blocked with any grain of dirt so – and this is the bit I hate – I have to blow hard through the outlet, it really hurts my cheeks! By the time I’ve finished I have a better colour in my cheeks than a glassblower! I managed to  get it all working in the right way (but  not necessarily in the right order) and left it watering Mrs H’s prized flora. Time for the five o clock bulletin anyway.

It was just as I feared.the weekend and bank holiday low figures have once again caught up with us, the death figure for the past 24 hours has shot up to 412.

Thursday 28/05/2020 – Day 73

Another really warm day today, I still have the new roof to put on my garden building but – to be honest – my arms are still aching from putting up the fencing panels, so I’ll leave that till next week.

Had another ‘Virtual’ meal last night with Janet and John, our treat this time so we  ordered four steak and chips and a lemon cheesecake for dessert, Jan came and picked theirs up and within ten minutes we were sat together courtesy of the computer screen, Jan appeared first with on onion ring between her teeth. Have to say, we really do miss their wonderful company, we all sort of bounce off each other and have a great laugh, it didn’t help that we should have been sat in some taverna in Crete tonight as this is our traditional holiday week. So, we made the best of the situation as we Brits do, and had an excellent couple of hours, I had ordered 3.5 pints of beer with the meal, it was Called ‘Twisted Spire’ from a local small brewery, it went down really well mmm.

George rang again later that evening, now you need to know at this stage that George counts the seconds on his phone, he absolutely refuses to pay BT more than they should have, so it is usually a quick message and gone!

George.  “I heard today that a new book called ‘Understanding Women’ has had to be withdrawn from the local library”

Me, trying to sound interested “Oh, has it, why?

George.     “It was so big that apparently, most of the men couldn’t even carry it out”

This conversation was followed by raucous laughter and a click of the receiver being put down.

Boris was once again on the podium at Downing street, He introduced some new relaxation of the lockdown, It made my day when he shut two main reporters down for once more asking questions about Cummings, this virus is going nowhere at the moment, a further 377 have lost their lives to it.

Friday 28/05/2020 – Day 74

A fantastic day once again and I am sat here eating my breakfast watching ‘Bouncer’ outside on the bench. Let me explain,

Outside our back door we have a memorial bench under an arch with a large mirror above the bench, ‘Bouncer’ comes along at least three times a day, sometimes more, and literally ‘bounces’ up and down off the top of the bench and in front of the mirror, it’s as if he is either trying to get through, or he just loves himself. It’s not as though he’s there for a minute and gone, oh no, he’s there for over an hour at a time, I am really dead jealous of his energy’. I have to keep painting the damn bench where Mrs H keeps scrubbing the bird droppings off!

I have this theory about Bouncer, I reckon the poor little fellow suffers from constipation judging by the amount of muck down the bench and the only way he can relieve himself is by bouncing up and down (sorry ladies lol).

Had a really wonderful surprise today when the doorbell from hell rang, Mrs H answered it to find my daughter and three of the Grandchildren outside, in the next half hour we had a good old catch-up and a chinwag, all while social distancing of course better still, my Grandaughter had bought us all ice-lollies.

I would like to share my vision of what is going to happen when this lockdown finally ends, just for fun.

1. No matter which hairdresser’s you use, they will be fully booked until 2025.
2. July 4^th, Pubs and restaurants will be allowed to open, July 5^th Britain will see the biggest hangover the country has ever known, the streets and roads will be so empty that people will think they’re back in lockdown and it was all a dream, bit like Bobby Ewing in the shower in Dallas.
3. When things are back to normal, it will rain for 3 months!

Well that is my forecast for the coming year and I commend it to your house, I also believe it is a lot better than the one Boris and co are putting out lol.

There were a lot of changes to the lockdown announced today, but what was more surprising was that the BBC nor the ITV were there to ask questions, anything to do with the fact that they were both cut short by Boris the previous day, no, they wouldn’t sulk – would they? Sadly, a further 324 lost their lives to this virus in the last 24 hours.

Saturday 30/05/2020 – Day 75

I get up in a morning and look like the wild man of Borneo, as I walk past the mirror in the hallway I frighten myself awake. I have now run out of bread pudding and must decide whether or not I should make another one, besides the length of my locks I am now starting to look like Homer Simpson, I don’t think a great slab of Bread pudding along with my four Weetabix is the right way to go so sod it I will go without.

I’m sat here listening to Mrs H on the phone to our daughter, someone has upset her (please Lord, don’t let it be me). How do I know someone has upset her? Well it’s quite easy really, when Mrs H refers to someone she dislikes she always adds the word ‘that’ before their name, therefore Mrs Rumblestiltskin becomes ‘that Mrs Rumblestitskin’, Thankfully, there are less than a handful of ‘that’s, and I hope and pray that I never become ‘that father of yours’ lol!

Talking of friends, I’m fast  going off Boris, He’s put me under a lot of pressure to find six people I like by Monday when his new rules come in, having said that, I will struggle to find six people who actually like ME. The Seven Dwarfs don’t like it either, one of them isn’t Happy.

Mrs H is not a happy bunny, apparently she ordered some pure Egyptian cotton sheets (pure?) for the bed 10 days ago and they still haven’t arrived, when Mrs H is on the warpath everyone around her gets it in the neck, so, with us being in lockdown that just leave sweet little ole me to take all the flack. I think the best way to appease her is to contact the seller on E Bay. I am sat at my keyboard logged in thinking of what I should write, I discard the ‘Oi tosser, where’s my missuses gear?’ for ‘Sorry to bother you but we don’t seem to have received our order’,I press send and think to myself, what a pathetic creature you are, you need to man up, grow a pair’ as I put the lights out and join Mrs H in bed with my teddy.

We have the lowest Saturday number of deaths since lockdown began, with 215 more Covid-19 deaths – taking the official number of victims to 38,376. Oh and football starts again in June, beam me up Scotty.

So, God willing, I’ll be with you next week, 9.30 Sunday morning, until then watch out for your elderly neighbours, stay alert and stay safe.