Diary of a self-isolator – Week 7

A lighthearted look at the situation, please don’t take it too seriously.

Sunday 26/04/2020 – Day 42

Today ends our 6^th week in isolation, 42 days without leaving the house, except for sitting in the back garden and putting the bin out last week for which I wore my Sunday best because I was so fed up with putting my gardening clothes on lol!

Tesco’s are still coming up with the slots for our deliveries, tried Sainsbury’s, Asda and Morrisons, I actually got a slot at Morrisons at last -five weeks I’ve been trying -anyway I ordered our turkey and mince pies and it’ll be arriving on December the 24^th, the earliest slot I could get.

Mrs H has added further jobs to pinocchio’s nose list (it just keeps growing), I fear that she really does have a drink problem, when we ordered our new turf a few weeks back, it came on a wooden pallet, since that day she has tried to find something to do with the said pallet, the first thing that she mentioned was a bar! Yes, that’s right a bar for us to sit and drink at, I tried to explain to her that it’s a sickly looking pallet, with chunks missing, splinters sticking out and made with the worst wood they could find in the forest, her reply? “Well, you could sand it down couldn’t you, what have you got all those expensive looking tools in the repair shop for?”

Now, you need to know at this stage how it works with Mrs H and myself, the woman I love comes up with her incredulous ideas and fanciful things and I immediately agree with her, promising that I’ll do it as soon as possible (are you taking notes lads?), but then – and this is the best bit – I leave doing it for a couple of weeks, within those couple of weeks Mrs H will approach me and announce that she has changed her mind about the original idea, then the whole plan will either be scrapped or she then comes up with another plan, then I will mull it over for a few weeks and Mrs H will change her mind and so it continues, it’s a bit like that radio programme when I was young, it was called Children’s Favourites then but later in 1967 it became Junior Choice, anyway, one of the favourite songs requested was ‘There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza dear Liza’ I’m sure you will recall how it goes in a big circle and back to the beginning, well, that’s myself and Mrs H getting one of her jobs done! (bet you’ve got that damn tune stuck in your head now lol)

The really good news today is that Boris will be back at the helm tomorrow, I do get the feeling that some of his Government have been under immense pressure since his illness, anyway he’s said to be raring to go. The deaths today of 413 are way down on yesterday’s total, but we know from past experience not to get too complacent.

Monday 27/04/2020 – Day 43

So, today starts our seventh week in self-isolation and I must admit that I have quite enjoyed my enforced time with the lovely Mrs H. I am catching up on jobs I have been avoiding for years, problem is that I am now running out of materials, can’t get my garden paint for love nor money, well actually, that’s not quite true, I could have bought the Country cream paint for twice the price! Suffice to say Mrs H told me off for swearing, but the thing is that the paint is normally £20 per 2.5 litre, this seller on E Bay wanted £39.99.  I will remember all these rip – off merchants when this lot’s over. As for timber, I can’t get any from anywhere, most of the places delivering are trade only and won’t deliver to domestic houses, all I have is a manky old pallet (which I’m thinking of selling on E bay for £1500) I have so many things I really want to do, oh well!

Good old Boris is Back! He came out of Downing street this morning and gave a rousing speech that seemed to lift the spirits of lots of people, he looked just like me – we both badly need a haircut lol, but it was good to see him back to his normal boisterous self, despite some thinking he is a buffoon he does  – to me- have an air of authority.

Remember ‘pinocchio’s list’ from yesterday, well  I checked it out this morning and it had grown again, besides the pallet bar I mentioned, the paving around the pond now needs painting, it was originally  crazy paving which I seemed forever to be pointing up and repairing, the ever vigilant Mrs H noticed last week as I touched the lady sundial up ( with paint, I haven’t got that desperate yet!) that I had a lot of cream masonry paint left over, so, as she does, she sowed the seeds by mentioning if the whole area might look better painted, I naturally cocked a deaf one but, as you are now aware – it’s on ‘the list’.

The aerial man returned today to fit us one of those new- fangled doorbell camera thingammyjigs, this has to be connected to a phone of course, well I’m no too savvy with modern phones mine is useless so Mrs H has the latest one and it has to go on there, Guess what, not enough space on her phone apparently, it’s full up of Mrs Hinch, Becky Evans and someone nicknamed the queen of clean, anyway, he suggested Mrs H get rid of some unwanted photo’s and update her phone, he would then pop back tomorrow and connect us. So Mrs H supplied the finger for deleting dodgy photo’s (No not that sort) and I supplied the dosh to buy extra storage which should hopefully sort out the phone.

More good news, I now have an abundance of Buttermints and can now suck myself into oblivion, at least I think that’s what Mrs H said as she turned away, the old hearing’s not what it used to be!

As last week the death figures have fallen again today, the last 24 hours they thankfully dropped to 360, this tragic figure still takes us over 21000, but the sad thing is that we know it will rise again by tomorrow,

Tuesday 28/04/2020 – Day 44

Up with the lark this morning to discover that the forecast rain had arrived, has been here all night and it is now ‘pisitively possing’ down, Lake Geneva has made an unwelcome return to the front of the house and all those brave dog walkers are having to walk precariously on the twelve inches of pavement not under water.

With all this wet stuff about I am confined to barracks, so I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you of the turnaround in my son in laws behaviour.

He and the bride (my daughter) have been happily married -most of the time – for about 14 years, they have three wonderful children aged from 11 up to 20 ( I can see you all working that out now, married 14 years, 20 year old lol), Anyway, for 19 of those 20 years the son in law has not been capable of even hammering a nail in without bending it, the problem is that he has worked in a steelworks for most of his life and therefore is all he ever knew.

If a room needed decorating or anything needed fixing it was down to me, I’m not saying that they’ve really abused my good nature but I have spent more time in their house than I have in my own! If I wanted to use any of my tools I had to go to their garage to borrow them lol. Anyway, about 18 months ago he decided he had got fed up of being taken for a mug at his job,,, so he moved to another part of the steel industry, but he still couldn’t settle. He had always loved building work (Yeah I know) and his mate had been badgering him for over 12 months to join him, so, nine months ago he did just that!

I must say that he is a changed chap, he enjoys his job. I know he is highly thought of but more to the point he is starting to learn some new skills, he is actually building stuff in his garden, his woodworking skills are quite good and I am beginning to wonder if my dear son in law has been pulling the wool over my eyes for the past twenty years. He started a project in the garden last week, after I had given him the screws, the paint and some tools, I may as well have gone round and done the job lol, But at least he’s having a go! The good news is that if I need any heavy jobs done in my garden I can call on him and it’ll be payback time because he really is a good chap, who is always there if I need him.

Today at exactly 11.00am the whole nation stood still for one minute to remember those whom we have lost, Prime Minister Boris Johnson took part in a minute’s silence for key workers who have died during the pandemic, promising: “The national will not forget you.”

Across the country, healthcare staff, some in tears, bowed their heads as they remembered their colleagues, followed in some instances by applause. People in supermarkets and on the streets just stopped and paid their respects, it was a very emotional gesture.

The nice man in the spacesuit has just dropped our box of groceries off and Mrs H has taken most of it around to the neighbours who still aren’t receiving theirs. I marvel at how they manage to get the same items week after week and I must say that the only thing we have ever had that was inedible were some Fig rolls, I am very partial to a fig roll and was looking forward to having them at elevenses, but oh the disappointment when I bit into one and nearly broke a molar, we put them on the bird table and they have been there for over a week now, even the pigeons won’t touch them!

Spaceman was quickly followed by aerial/satellite man (this is beginning to sound like an episode from Thunderbirds) who quickly connected the door camera to the phone and the Wi-fi, gave Mrs H a quick lesson in how to work the device and left.

What with all these men coming and going I begin to wonder what the neighbours must be thinking and then purely by coincidence our Tesco order also arrived at 7.15 another male to add to the growing list, the neighbours must think we’re minted lol, although, we still find Tesco the best shop for online, with good dates and fresh stuff,  (But if Aldi did online mmm), Dear Mrs H has ordered so much wine and Cinzano that I have had to hire security guards for the outside shed where it’s  normally kept! I jokingly told her she should enquire about joining AA and she informed me that she’s with the RAC,  I myself have cut down on my Guinness intake, I just have one now before I go to bed – I went to bed eight times last night,  I’ll be glad when the pubs are open again, I need to cut down on my drinking.

The news from the Downing street health chiefs today was that they are now going to include deaths from outside hospitals, ie nursing homes, care homes and home deaths, why they are suddenly able to do this is not within my knowledge, but I do know the final figures are going to be scary when all this is finally over. Sadly a further 586 have lost their lives in the last 24 hours.

Wednesday 29/04/2020 – Day 45

Had to drag Mrs H out of bed at 8.00am because the poor aerial man was returning at 8.30. Yesterday, as soon as he had gone Mrs H had me outside on the front doorstep pressing the bell and making funny faces so she could test the quality of the sound and the picture, all was well until last evening she was playing around with her phone and came upon the pictures from that morning, Being the wise lady that she is – she decided that she didn’t want my ugly old mug defacing her phone, then, as she deleted the grotesque image staring up at her she pressed the wrong button – and deleted the whole thing from her phone and the wi-fi. After about an hour of frustration, bad language and attempts to read instructions – so small that we needed a magnifying glass – I messaged aerial man and threw myself on his mercy.

But he is such a nice chap and turned up at 8.29 on the dot complete with PPE and within a minute the picture was back! Another quick round of instruction aka what to do if Mrs H wipes it clean again and he was gone!

Heavy rain today and sadly I discovered two leaks in the roof of the Summer house. Very disappointing but nothing I can do about it until the weather dries up. Still, the indoor rainbow looks nice.

Watched a programme on TV about the beginning of the virus outbreak and all those idiots that were panic buying, I could never understand why, back in my day the only time we started panic buying was at closing time when the barman yelled last orders.

Brilliant news today, our Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his fiancée Carrie Symonds had a little boy this morning, I wish them all the best. He will be taking paternal leave at a later date.

Today was the day the Government was dreading the care home death figures were to be combined with hospital death figures, Some 26,097 people died across the United Kingdom after testing positive for COVID-19 as of April 28 at 1600 GMT, Public Health England (PHE) said. That means the United Kingdom has had more COVID-19 deaths than France or Spain have reported. This is not good news.

Thursday 30/04/2020 – Day 46

Need I remind you all that today is a very special day, Today, everyone’s hero Tom Moore has reached the wonderful age of 100.  Captain Tom Moore has been promoted to Honorary Colonel by the Queen to mark his 100th birthday after the World War II veteran captured the hearts of the nation by raising over £29 million for the NHS by doing laps of his garden.

The promotion comes alongside a personal letter from Her Majesty and the new Colonel has also been re-presented with his Second World War Defence Medal ahead of next week’s VE Day celebrations.

And, along with the usual cake and champagne, there will be two flypasts to mark his big day today – by Army Air Corps helicopters as well as a Spitfire and Hurricane in the Battle of Britain Memorial Flight.

As well-wishers across the globe sent cards in their thousands, ( I was told he had over 140,000 birthday cards from well wishers) Defence Secretary Ben Wallace paid tribute to Colonel Tom, saying he not only embodies ‘the spirit of our incredible veteran community but also the resolve of this nation’.

With all this going on Tom admitted that the only thing he was waiting for was his card from her majesty the Queen, how humbling is this man?

Happy birthday Sir, we salute you, much love and respect.

Meanwhile, back at home it appears to have stopped raining at last. my new lawn has grown so high that I may need a guide to get me to summerhouse 2. The thing is – do I risk sealing the two leaks in the roof of summerhouse 1 or should I leave it for a sunny day, I shall probably suck my way through a dozen Buttermints whilst I contemplate this conundrum, and hopefully, by then it will be raining again.

Not that I shun the task ahead of course, it’s just that I know if I spend half an hour on that roof sealing the leak it will rain the minute I put my ladder away, I have never been very lucky that way, if I had been one of Dolly Parton’s triplets I would have been the one on the bottle!

By 11.00am I was so bored I discovered that some strawberries have 210 seeds and others only have 192, and all Mrs H’s mixed herbs were no longer mixed.

Boris surprisingly made a welcome return to the Downing street podium today, I have to say that he still isn’t 100% though, his breathing is still erratic, but he has been through a terrible time in the past five weeks. He had to announce that a further 675 had died in the UK in the last 24 hours, but for this reason, he emphasised that a relaxation of the lockdown rules could not happen until the five rules have been met. Welcome back Boris.

Friday 01/05/2020 – Day 47

Well here we are at last – the 1^st of May, made famous by the Bee Gees lol! Was it me or was April a really long month? It just seems to have gone on and on like one of Ken Dodds shows, (or even this diary) actually, I shouldn’t take the poor man’s name in vain, I went to see him twice, once in 1973 at Butlins ( the days when they had real acts, not like today’s celebrities) and again in 2012 at a local venue when two lovely friends bought me tickets for my 60^th birthday, the man was brilliant on both occasions and is already sadly missed.

You, of course, know we had one of those new fangled video doorbells fitted, well, Mrs H has been nagging me since to remove the old door bell, truth be known she is frightened to death that some poor unsuspecting delivery person will not use the new bell, well, sure enough, some plants we had ordered from J Parkers arrived today, and I knew straight away that I should have removed that damn bell, the delivery girl must have been a Russian shot putter, she decided not to use either bell – but boy – could she rattle a letterbox! She managed to make our humble brass letter box sound like a machine gun, I was in the bedroom upstairs and even I ducked down, I thought it was a drugs raid!

I don’t know what’s happening where you are, but the weather here has been absolutely atrocious for the last two days, but apparently tomorrow ‘The sun has got his hat on, Hip Hip Hip hooray, the sun has got its hat on and its coming out to play’.

Took the opportunity to tidy up my office, I have almost 15 years of quizzes to sort through, of course, you don’t know, well,  before this meltdown I wrote and presented quizzes for charity, I like doing it and it allows me to get out and have a few Guinness, they are generally well attended with around 20 – 25 teams of varying sizes between 3 and 7, that’s the team size not their ages – I’m not that good lol!

A further 739 people lost their lives in the UK in the last 24 hours bringing the total to  27,510 to date, I really do feel for all those poor families, how on earth do they cope?

Saturday 02/05/2020 – Day 47

Woke up a bit groggy this morning, Mrs H and myself lay in bed till 1,00am watching a new Scottish comedy we discovered on Catch up TV, it’s called ‘Two doors Down’ and is about 3 neighbours in a street, This follows our sadness at having finished the last series of ‘Still Game’, What is it with the Scottish that they produce much better comedy programmes than anyone else. We wouldn’t have been in bed that early normally, but the woman over the road shouted at her kids so loud to get to bed, that even I brushed my teeth and put my pyjamas on!

The good news is that the sun is out, the sad news is that I now have to go and tackle the Summer house1 roof, plus another list of jobs that Mrs H has accumulated during the great rain in.

I was wondering, does anyone else have problems with pigeons in their garden, it took Mrs H an hour to wash all the bird mess off the furniture, we are absolutely inundated with them and under constant bombardment, It’s so bad we have to have our brollies up when we sunbathe,  why aren’t they on lockdown like we have to be, why aren’t they confined to their nests! messy things. I blame my lovely neighbours – the one side has a bird table absolutely overloaded with pieces of bread crusts, they obviously can’t chew them – the neighbours, not the pigeons – the other neighbour bless him actually sits on his bench and feeds and talks to them. Having said that. I’m as bad, putting inedible fig rolls out for them, hard as a rock they were, perhaps they’re getting their own back for a few bent beaks!

Well, my first job was to trim a couple of bushes that had grown out of all proportion and were threatening to stunt the growth of Mrs H’s roses, (God forbid) Armed with freshly sharpened shears I went at it like Edward Scissorhands, chopping here, chopping there and chopping — straight through the irrigation pipe!

After a temporary fix to the irrigation system I decided it was time to tackle the summer house roof, I put my ladder up carefully and almost broke my ankle on the first step, it takes great skill to fall up a ladder – and I have that skill!

I have come to the conclusion that I am being punished for all the things I got away with in my youth, to confirm this  I was now being grounded and deciding that this was not a particularly good day for DIY, but, with Mrs H urging me on (‘get it done now before it rains’) I managed to get the roof sealed, The repairs needed weren’t as bad as first thought and I was finished within the hour. Well, the proof is in the pudding, we will have to wait till it rains of course, Mrs H did suggest putting the hosepipe on it but I politely declined, not being capable of taking any more disappointment this week.

A further 621 people lost their lives in the last 24 hours, the total deaths is now over 28,000, so just remember when you wake up in the morning, you are alive, you have your health, you have clothes, you have food, you have water to drink, stretch and just think, life is good, and there are a lot worse off than us.

See you next week – God willing.