Diary of a Self-isolator – Week 3

A lighthearted look at the situation. Please don’t take it too seriously.

Sunday 29/03/2020 – Day 14

We have had a really nice week weather-wise, and I managed to remember the  clocks went forward,  I went out this morning to a very bitter cold breeze, I snapped a couple of daffodils off to put on Mrs h’s coffee tray as I dutifully trundled upstairs tugging on my fast growing forelock to wake her with morning coffee.  I would have cut my fringe but Mrs H has used every pair of decent scissors in the house to hack her way through flower stems for arranging- it’s the equivalent of me using them to try and cut through copper tube!

Went back downstairs and managed to get online and check out the order situation, I am registered with 5 supermarkets which are all fully booked till the middle of April, looks like that diet myself and Mrs H have been planning is going to come a lot sooner than we expected.

Speaking of online, I have a few things that I need to get off my chest, now I can understand there being no pasta or spaghetti -but why can’t we buy wholemeal bread? Where have all the Baked beans gone? What happened to skimmed milk? I have this theory that there are a lot more single men out there than we all first realised, each and every one of them living off Cornflakes, Beans on toast ( or skinheads on rafts as my kids used to call them) and all trying to get a lot healthier because during a heated divorce arguement the words ‘fat slob’ were uttered, either that or there is a massive mountain two miles high of beans on toast awash with milk somewhere In the country. I can just about get my head around those missing items, but what really perplexes – nay irritates – me is tinned processed peas, they are rarer than rocking horse muck!

When I was knee high to a grasshopper we couldn’t get processed peas, well that’s a bit of a lie actually, you could get the nearest thing which was Bachelors dried marrowfat peas in a packet. They had to be soaked overnight in a bowl with soaking Tablets (containing Sodium Carbonate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Disodium Diphosphate), my mum made this her last job every Saturday night before she joined father down the local. 12 – 16 hours later they were ready to cook, certainly wasn’t fast food was it? We used to pinch a lot for our peashooters as well, which really infuriated Mother when – all dolled up, she discovered there were no peas for next day, she would have to stand at the sink doing extra sprouts (Ugh!) Of course, in those days the shops shut at 5.00pm Saturday and didn’t open again until 8.00pm on Monday morning.  So, it seems everyone was brought up the same as me? with a love of those mushy peas on our Sunday dinner plate, hence the sheer lack of them.

It so sad to report that 260 citizens of the UK lost their lives yesterday, the biggest jump to date, yet the authorities never mention the number of people that survived, or have tested negatively for  the virus, I am sure this would give us all a massive boost.

Monday 30/03/2020 – Day 15

So, today marks the beginning of my third week in self-isolation, took Mrs H’s morning coffee up and settled down to my computer to write this gentle missive – which, I hasten to add – a lot of you seem to enjoy, I had over 1300 likes on last weeks, I’m waiting to see how long it takes you all to say ‘Too long,’ ‘Boring.’ ‘You really do need to get a life.’ Lol!

First news of the day is that Prince Charles is back amongst us, yes, Charlie having finished his 7 day isolation period has now had the all clear, which means of course William and Kate can breathe a sigh of relief and can continue to enjoy what little freedom they have.

Our darling family continue to drop urgent necessities on our doorstep, stuff like buttermints, biscuits bread and milk, (the more astute among you will notice the order of importance) Mrs H, bless her, then throws open the lounge window and proceeds to have a lovely chat for about 15 minutes until the conversation dries up, just three hours later and we are nice and warm again! ( yes I know, I’m a grumpy, ungrateful and miserable old git, but really don’t mean to be, I love them all).

Another bit of good news is that I have finished my course of ante-biotics and steroids, Hallelujah! (perhaps it’ll stop me being a grumpy, ungrateful and miserable old git, Mrs H in her wisdom doubts that very much) anyway, the upshot is that I can at last taste the dark black liquid that has haunted my dreams for over a week, I was almost tempted to have a Guinness with my Weetabix this morning but the scowl on Mrs H’s face told me not to bother. Which caused me to reminisce about hospitals in the old days, Now, when I say old days, I mean the fifties, those days when you lay in bed and someone would come around and get your alcohol order! Yes- would I lie to you – a porter (no pun intended) would pop to your bedside and take your order, of  course he wouldn’t pop over the pub and get you a jugful, as I did many a time for my dear old Grandad, No, you had to have what they called stout, Guinness or Mackeson would come under that guise, apparently, the iron in said stout was good for you and helped you get better more quickly. But what if you didn’t like stout, well in that case you could relax in bed with a cigarette! The nice helpful nurses with their starched uniforms (mm) would always carry a lighter in their pocket ready to oblige, unbelievable but true!

I thought Boris was out of self-isolation today but I haven’t heard anything yet.

There was a bit of a mixture of sad and heartening news today, there were 209 deaths in the number of UK deaths yesterday, according to latest figures that is 51 down from the previous day, However, I personally don’t like the way the authorities are using the figures as a plus, some are saying that the virus is taking a downturn, this is not good, I feel that they are leading a hopeful nation into a false sense of security. We shall wait and see.

Tuesday 31/03/2020 – Day 16

Awoke this morning full of the joys of Spring, I had been awoken by my thoughts of ‘why haven’t Sainsbury’s been in touch, As you know, I had my official NHS letter telling me in no uncertain terms that I have one foot in the grave! Anyway the upshot is that you have to go online to Gov.Uk and register the fact that you are half dead, you are self-isolating and that you have no food (Ok slight exaggeration on the last one, I’m pretty sure Buttermints aren’t classed as a necessity), When this is done Sainsbury’s then get in touch by e mail and let you know the slots that are available, well I did all that eight days ago and have heard nothing since, if I go online to book a slot  – then a message pops up which says ‘ Sorry, we do not recognise you as a vulnerable person, you are not on our Government list, so bugger off to another shop and try your little scam there’ well, words to  that effect anyway.

Feeling full of a new born confidence – that obviously arrived with the Spring, as I didn’t order it – I dial the freephone number and beyond all belief it rings! My heart was pounding so fast at that time that I could hardly hear the soft voice of a young lady telling me that if I needed to solve something quickly that I could go online at www, blah blah blah, bravely, I decided to hang on, I looked at the clock on the phone it said 8.10am, so I put it on speaker phone and carried on putting stuff on FB, doing my daily diary, and other things that are best not mentioned. After what seemed like an eternity of the most repetitious mundane music that was ever created I looked down at the clock on the phone, it said 8.50 am, had it really only been 40 minutes! At this stage I have that Clash classic called ‘Should I stay or Should I Go’. Going through my head.  Being of a naturally insane manner and someone who would get on extremely well with Victor Meldrew I decided to go with it, after all, it was freephone and the music kept Mrs H out of the room and allowed me to stay on my computer without harassment. The next time I checked the clock it was 9.20am, Then it rang! A lethargic voice on the other end said ‘Good Morning, Sainsbury’s, this is Lauren can I help’, the voice and tone immediately conjured up an image of a young girl with a headset on, filing her nails and chewing gum at a rapid pace much like a camel on heat, I wiped that image and explained that I had signed up at Gov.UK done all the necessary and still not heard from them. The young lady listened as I went on and on with a timely sad crackle in my voice for good measure, telling her how we had no-one to help us (ok, I know, it was only a little white one for goodness sake) she let me finish and we parted with those words that everyone who has been on the phone for 90 minutes really wants to hear,

“Please hold, I’ll transfer you through to the relevant department”

Immediately I hear the recorded message about ‘we are experiencing heavy volume of calls etc etc etc. Then it was back to the music and back to my computer, at 9.55 the phone rang again, and a Scottish voice boomed out “Hi, this is Hamish at Sainsbury’s, how can I help”, for the next few minutes I went through my story again only to hear those mortifying words “I’m sorry, but you’ve been put through to the wrong department”, At this stage Mrs H was on the verge of calling an ambulance, my face was red, my heart was pounding and all the rest of those things that rear their ugly heads when you hear bad news, Hamish meanwhile could obviously hear the angst in my voice and said “Look I have a search box on my computer, I’m not supposed to do it but I can try and help you”, Had he not been somewhere in a warm croft in the Outer Hebrides I would have kissed him, anyway, after exchanging a lot of necessary information Hamish too was exasperated, stating that he just couldn’t understand why I hadn’t been included as I had done everything right! He then proceeded to fill in an extra-ordinary form online on my behalf, We parted with many thank you’s, and Hamish saying it was the best he could do and wasn’t sure if it would work, I said I actually didn’t care, that man had sweat blood and tears on my behalf against a system that wasn’t meant to be  broken, I was so grateful I even decided that i liked the Krankies and Rod Stewart. (well perhaps not the Krankies, no-one would be that grateful) It was now down to a waiting game.

As feared yesterday the death toll has taken a sharp rise, 381 poor souls died in 24 hours, yet still the authorities insist that this is a good result! They insist that because the actual hospital admissions have gone down for the second day running, that we are getting it under control, they should try telling that to the 381 families and relatives who have lost someone recently. Among those deaths were a 19 year old and a 13 year old, Both died alone with no-one by their bedsides, Mrs H and I lost a 23 year old daughter in 2013, but at least she was at home and we were there, I cannot for one second imagine the anguish of knowing your 13 year old is dying and not being able to comfort them.

Wednesday 01/04/2020 – Day 17

Woke up at 5.30 am by the sound of a couple of pigeons on my roof doing what pigeons do when they are a bit frisky!  Well aware that it was April Fool’s Day I headed downstairs.

Cup of tea then straight onto the computer and Sainsbury’s online site, logged in and there they were – a list of slots available for Friday this week then I remembered, it’s April 1^st, they wouldn’t -would they? Anyway apprehensively I clicked on the 6pm to 7pm slot half expecting one of those laughing emoji faces to scream at me from the screen, but no, it all seemed perfectly good, seems that Hamish of the very high Highlands had done his job well, there wasn’t anything saying I wasn’t registered either, just the free delivery slots. I danced through the order adding stuff I hadn’t seen for ages, with trepidation I pressed the ‘checkout’ key, and, by golly it worked, I now have an order on its way Friday night, and, God willing I will get an order every week.

My great start to the day continued when at around 11.00am the door bell was rung followed by a sharp rap on the door, Mrs H went to the door just  in time to see a chap who wouldn’t have looked out of place at NASA scurrying away. He turned, put both thumbs into up and pointed downward toward the doorstep, Then it was off in his white Van and away like a speeding bullet, it was  a cardboard box full of goodies! We were worried sick that we had perhaps purloined someone else’s order, so I enquired online, it turns out that Boris sent it for us as we are extremely vulnerable, you’d have thought he’d have put a note in with it, after all he spent 5 million on letters to everyone. Both our neighbours are older than us (don’t go there!) so we shared it out.

My friend George decided to pop to Tesco’s today, armed with a shopping list he joined the considerably small queue, everyone was nicely spaced  at a distance of 2 metres (or the length of a coffin if you are struggling with metric measurements), he struck up a conversation with his neighbour and they exchanged niceities,

George.  How ya doing, I’m George, George Reid,

Shopper, Hello, I’m Phil, or Philip Doff as my friends call me (inane chuckle)

No handshakes were exchanged of course, lust pleasantries as they eventually got in after wiping down the trolley and their hands,. When he got home George rang me, “I’ve been having a lovely chat with a chap called Philip Doff this morning, or P Doff for short” This was followed by hoots of laughter until I gently reminded him that his name was G Suss, the phone went very  quiet!

The news that everyone was dreading but knew was coming gave us all a sharp wake up call, 563 had died in the past 24 hours in the UK. A total of 2352 have now lost their lives to coronavirus, The Department of Health said today that as of 9am on Wednesday, a total of 152,979 people have been tested, of which 29,474 tested positive. The Government has been criticised for failing to ensure more frontline NHS workers are tested, with just one in 600 checked over so far. Ventilators are still in short supply, but more are on the way. Things are set to get worse yet people still walk around with dogs or exercising.

Thursday 02/04/2020 – Day 18

Woke up this morning to sun streaming through the curtains of our bedroom, it is 5,30am and I’ve been awake for ages!

Spent what seemed like an age yesterday, searching  online for some Cuprinol Garden colours, can’t get it for love nor money, the problem is that having got the time at last to do all those jobs I’ve been putting off for years – I am now running out of materials to do said jobs. I need a large order of Timber and paint to keep my sanity, not forgetting the sacred Buttermints of course.

Decided that today would be a good time to clean the pond out, the filters and pumps all need a good Spring cleaning, we have about 14 fish in there, all watched over carefully by the gigantic fish we affectionately call Jaws, He is about fifteen inches long and must weigh a good 12pounds I reckon, he used to have a mate but sadly she died a couple of years ago, it took all my strength to haul the poor thing out to give it a decent burial.

It has been confirmed by my early morning conversations with Alexa and the toaster that my sanity – to a certain degree- remains intact. This was actually posted on my page today;

‘Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!  Actually, I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. I’m not talking to my hairdryer as she just talks hot air and the torch can’t shed any light on it. The hoover however just sucks it up. While the bin swallows anything you say and is just full of rubbish! My kenwood chef is all mixed up! Not to mention what the toilet is full of…! Don’t tell the colander anything, can’t hold its own water. Worried about my stairs they seem to be up and down. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine no situation is too pressing. X

I mean, can you believe that, you couldn’t make it up, and  Alexa agreed with me.

Yesterday was another sad day for the UK with 569 more deaths, can it get any worse? Sadly yes, people continue to walk around despite knowing the dangers not only to themselves but to others, I truly despair sometimes.

Friday 03/04/2020 – Day 19

Last night millions of us once again stepped out into the street to applaud the many Care workers putting their lives at risk, also delivery drivers, shop assistants and every key worker in the country, according to the press and media there was a really good turn out which is as it should be of course.

Stayed up late last night and almost finished my third book, but my crayons needed sharpening and I couldn’t be arsed to find the sharpener.

On my nineteenth day today, can’t say that it seems any different to my first day really, but I do have a slight problem, well not slight but big really, I am piling on the weight! The buttons on my jeans have started their own Social distancing! No, it’s not the Buttermints, I have actually cut down on those because I don’t know where my next packet is coming from, so I’ve limited myself to half a packet a day – I know – I’m a saint.

Mrs H and myself have taken advantage of the mild weather and got stuck into the garden, we’ve decided to get rid of a couple of planted islands and return them to lawn, But I’m not stupid, I thought it’s no good doing all that hard work only to find I wouldn’t be able to get some more turf. So inside I went, onto the laptop to search for grass, and up popped Green Grass, with memories of Bill Maynard drifting through my mind I apprehensively dialled the number, to my surprise someone picked up;

Me                         Hello, is that Greengrass

Greengrass         No, he’s dead, (obviously had this before) raucous laughter, just joking, how can I help?

Me                         Just an enquiry are you still delivering?

Greengrass         Just turf – not babies! (more raucous laughter)

It was at this point I remembered that I had no idea how much turf I would need, apologising profusely I promised to ring him back thinking – what on earth is wrong with my head. The rest of the day was spent painting everything that didn’t move, Mrs H wasn’t too happy about how her slippers turned out lol!

On the coronavirus front things aren’t getting any better, everywhere in the world the death rates are rising, To date there are 38690 confirmed cases up by 4972, there were 3605 deaths 684 confirmed since yesterday and there were 209 recovered up by 18.

Saturday 04/04/2020 – Day 20

Myself and Mrs H were up like larks this morning, but alas the promised mild day has not yet arrived, it was supposed to be around  15c today, but I just pushed Mrs H out in her night attire and she shouted very abusively that ‘it was bloody freezing!’ I think on day 20 that Mrs H’s nerves may be getting a little ragged, let me explain.  My lovely children bought me an Ipod for Christmas, you know, one of those that you can download all your favourite tunes on, well, I am a massive sixties music fan and I like to download all those songs that I liked at school but didn’t dare admit to, so once I’d got the hang of the thing I was listening quite cheerfully to those few songs I’d collected and hadn’t heard for ages. I have no idea why, but although Mrs H didn’t actually say anything, the grimace on her face when I reached for my ipod said it all.

I really can’t understand why she doesn’t like Ken Dodd singing Happiness, Benny Hill’s Ernie (The fastest milkman in the west or Des o connor singing Dick a Dum Dum, – perhaps I should add a few more songs.

The fact I was so bored yesterday that I ran round to the front door rang the bell then ran through the back door to see who it was didn’t amuse her either, I just caught the last part of xxxxhead!

On the good news front I have now been recognised as a priority customer by not one but three supermarkets.;

Mrs H is wondering if I am going to get the same help message from the NHS re- my mental health!

So, finally, the news today wasn’t good, a further 703 people lost their lives since yesterday, sadly his included a five year old who had underlying problems, I have to say, I hate that term, to me it’s like saying ‘ well, they weren’t very well anyway, so it really was to be expected’, is it just me that thinks that way?

Let’s all say a silent prayer today for that little child’s family. More importantly, let’s all stay home, stay safe and keep others safe.

See you all next week – God willing.