Unhappy and nothing to look forward to

Hi Toni. Your post felt like I wrote it myself! Married 38 years, Over the last 24 things got progressively worse! It does not get better. My husband went to counseling for a year (with a few joint sessions) and what a waste of time and money. It seems some men are entitled, selfish and just take without reciprocation. I don't know if your financials keep you in, but mine do to a certain extent. I gave him divorce papers anyway and he refused to sign. I am tired of just being frenemies. We deserve so much better.

I do feel for you, it's the opposite here. Husband tries to be a good companion but he has mental illness and I long ago gave up trying to change anything! I'm so worn out after a day working and trying to keep him afloat. My neighbour said I need to get out more. I'd love to get out and do something and just get a break, but I'm just too tired! I long ago forgot who I am, what I like and what I want too.

sweet I have been there! keep your chin up dear!!!!

Sounds like my life except I’m the guy.

Hi Tonip2

Saw your post today. I understand to some extent what your experiencing. I've been married 41 years and my hubby is the most boring man out. Most of the time I go to things with my daughter although he will take me out for dinner or a walk round a garden centre and lunch for example.
Do you go out for lunch/dinner at all or spend time at a garden centre together for example?
Is he actually unwell but doesn't want to admit it?
Is he just depressed at getting old?
Have you tried just being blunt with him and asking him outright if he's unhappy in the marriage, what he expects after being together so long or does he just want to end it?
Either that or book yourself on a cruise and leave him to stew if you can afford to. There are plenty of people who holiday alone now.
Anyway you need to get yourself out of this misery one way or another.

Hi there.

I do feel for you. Im sorry you are so unhappy.. I Can relate to some of this and having watched 2 parents with Dementia I worry that this could be the early signs. It could also just be the
Normal aging process???

Have just joined this site myself to explore how other couples are dealing with the aging process.

Referring to Lionels previous response. He has helped me reinforce my knowledge that we have to treasure every moment of our loved ones even as age takes its toll.

However it is not easy. Especially as I age too and worry about my own level of function.

Ive seen a forum for concerns re aging parents. I need one for concerns re aging partners and self. How do we cope? Early stages of dementia or not? Im not looking for diagnosis, time will give us that.

Just looking for others with the same struggle to compare notes and sound off with.

Will keep looking; if iI dont find one I may try to start one in the future. Any pointers appreciated.

Hi ToniP2.....Know exactly what you mean, been in a similar situation for much longer. If you ever find a solution please let me know.

Have him write down his 3 favorite TV shows and you pick one of the three and suggest you watch it together and find something in the show you have a common ground and talk about the theme together. Then do the same thing and give him a list of your three favorite shows then watch them together and have him find a theme in the show and the two of you have a discussion on that theme and see if this doesn't open some doors of communication.

I found that surgery with lengthy rehabilitation can be the key to opening that closed and padlocked door of communication. Compliment their ability to work through pain. Tell them how well they are sticking to their doctor's regimen of physical therapy and mean every word you say. Working together to help restore health to your spouse can be a game changer.

Been married for almost 54 years and I have observed less than 10% of marriages have adequate conversation. Counseling is usually only a short term fix. But as long as you are still married there is hope.

Sundog, I applaud your post from my heart. And my heart is with you in your loss. In a different manner I understand.

I addressed the matter of self pity; that is one of the most destructive of human emotions. There's no future with that all encompassing demon that strikes us so easily. I been through it. Poor me is so deadly yet few recognise it as such. Poor me is the death of the personality.

Oh, my, that's sad. My wife and I had spells like that but never for so long. Intimacy is harder with age but we were all we had. She died in February, soI'm here from a different kind of loneliness than yours. Don't take any advice here as gospel, but I'd say you obviously need a change of some kind. Don't waste the rest of your life in that situation. Leave if you have to, if only for a trial. Being alone by yourself at least has possibilities, but being alone with someone else is a trap. Free yourself one way or another.

Toni, I think this is the reply you don't want to read. But please do ...

My second wife and I have been married for twenty five next month. She was a very loving,
out going, active and adventurous person; for example, we built camper together and toured Europe for a month, raised two grand kids, bred Collies and trained them and began a massive vegetable and fruit garden, as well as carrying on two full times jobs. We gave each other the sex life denied us first time around. Oh, I could go on.

Eleven years ago I asked her to see her doctor. Her body and mind were just not functioning as they had. Her bodily movements had become jerky and less controlled, her joints seemed stiff and mentally she seemed much older than she was.

The diagnosis I could not have guessed. MS and dementia.

Eleven years on and I'm her sole carer. Have been all the time. She can do little for herself now; she doesn't communicate coherently, day to day doesn't comprehend much and worst of all sometimes doesn't even know who I am. Also, I must do things for my beloved no man should ever need to do for a woman. Her family have washed their hands of their mother and serve only to accuse me of malpractice and that from not ever visiting her.

Once I was a farm stockman, pigs, cattle and sheep. Never a dull moment and little spare time. I loved my job. But now I'm retired. Not for us the walking into the sunset hand in hand, nor sipping martinis on a Mediterranean beach. Not the cruises or flights to wherever. No, it's twenty four hour attendance on my wife in between dog care, housework, washing and trying to catch a few minutes sleep.

Why? Because I love her so much. I made her a promise before God, in sickness and in health and I will damn well keep that word of mine to my wife.

I do have a great deal of empathy with you, but how this is managed is in your hands. I don't have that choice. I wouldn't care to advise you but when you're down, feeling neglected or sorrowful, think on; I'm much worse off than you without the chance to change anything.

Only death will change something for us.

Many people seem to be living in situations like yours Toni. Maybe it would be a good idea for you
to stop trying to make things change, and concentrate on yourself.
Start going out to places you enjoyed in the past, have a nice makeover, pamper yourself and maybe start enjoying things that you used to do. Find some friends and get out a bit.
If you stay focused on a husband who is not as invested as you are, you could spiral into a depression.
If he doesn't want to do things together with you, go out and do them anyway.

Maybe he is going through a depression and should see a doctor?
Hope this helps and I do hope you start making yourself happy and that things improve.x

One short life don't waste it, if your unhappy with life change it or be miserable its the only choice any of us get.