End Of Life Discussions

CaroleAH - brilliant what you have done for your daughters - You are a very thoughtful and caring parent. I applaud you.

LazyDayz has posted a very thoughtful response to your question, tbya56. My Mum died ten years ago, at the age of 90, and although her death was expected because she had cancer neither my sister nor father would discuss what we were going to do and what arrangements had to be made. When Mum died, just before Christmas, my Dad (aged 92) asked me to make all the funeral arrangements, go to the registrar's office, speak to the coroner's officer, bank and building society etc etc. I was working full-time at the time and wasn't helped by my sister phoning me (from 200 miles away) asking me what I had done and why hadn't I done something else and disagreeing with my decisions! Not an easy time. Then my Dad went into a Home - his own decision - as he had a permanent catheter and couldn't manage by himself. One of the first questions the manager of the Home asked was would I sign a "Do not resuscitate" form. As a family, we had never discussed this and when I told my sister that I had signed it she went ballistic. When she eventually calmed down she agreed with my decision (my Dad was 94). Dad was nearly 96 when he died after having a stroke and once again, I did all the running around whilst my sister directed operations from her home.
So tbya56 even if your parents don't want to talk about their end of life options I think it would be a good idea for you and your siblings to have some kind of a plan - that might involve having a list of care agencies or Homes in case one or both parents needed care in their own home or a Nursing Home; there is also a good website which will be of use - https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death.
I have actually written a list for my daughters, which I have emailed to them with instructions that they file it away until needed, and I have suggested music which I would like at my funeral and practical things like a favourite charity for donations instead of funeral flowers as well as my bank account details etc. I occasionally update this list - especially where the music is concerned - and the girls just roll their eyes and file the new list away! I have also got Lasting Powers of Attorney for Health & Welfare and Property & Financial Affairs so that if I had a stroke or was in some way incapacitated, my daughters could make all the necessary arrangements for my care without incurring any financial burden for themselves.
They don't like talking about death either, but as I have pointed out to them, being prepared isn't going to make me die any sooner!
I hope that you manage to sort things out even if it's just with your siblings.
Best wishes, Carole

Lazy Days
Excellent post certainly made me think .

Do you think that they are frightened of what will happen to them, or even of one losing the other, and that's why they are unwilling to discuss this matter? Have you thought that 'knowing' what to do, when you need to, is more for your benefit, rather than your parents? I could only offer the suggestion that you ask them why they are unwilling to discuss this matter - and then leave it at that. Could it be that they are happy as they are and feel that this discussion would be too upsetting and spoil the life they are living at the present?
Obviously I wouldn't know, I'm only giving you food for thought and mean no offence by my words. I wish you well x