Love Through Lockdown

Bloody pandemic, bloody Boris, Mac thought as he scowled with his head turned away for fear of being seen. “Well it looks like it’s just you and me now old girl for”, he spoke in the general direction of Kate. He was cross that they were both considered “vulnerable”, because of their ages and must stay at home.

She did nothing to hide her grimace, “I do wish you wouldn’t call me old girl and we’ll just have to grin and bear it won’t we dear?” Hoping that the sarcasm on “dear” wasn’t lost on him.

We’ve been grinning and bearing it for years, she thought. We’re almost like strangers these days. Fifty years of marriage – the Golden Couple – huh if only folk realised. We certainly put on a good show and manage to fool everyone.

Their four children had long since left home and gone their separate ways. All married with families of their own and all living too far away for drop in visits. They were all conscientious, and dutifully rang home once a week. It was easy to sound ok on the phone and few a small, white lies kept the children blissfully unaware of any rumblings of disharmony

She wasn’t really unhappy, but their lives had been so separate for so long that she had just come to accept that this was her lot. A busy homemaker and mother to two sets of twins had been enough to keep her busy and focussed on them throughout their childhoods then into their teens and beyond, until they left home one by one.

He, on the other hand had been a workaholic. His reasoning was that he had had a large family to provide for and he must do it the best way he could. He’d had a good job in management, but it involved long hours, out of hours meetings and trips abroad. To him this was necessary and had enabled all four kids to go to university. Both he and Kate seemed to have settled into the roles of breadwinner and homemaker, agreeing that any sacrifice was worth it and rewarded by the good career choices their children had made. They were all doing very nicely now, thank you.

In the fifteen years of retirement they’d both found hobbies. His had been golfing three days a week. Well three mornings followed by a light lunch and a convivial hour or so in the company of his friends. He had even taken up bowls which took care of another afternoon and he still played his beloved Bridge one evening a week as he felt that kept his brain functioning!

She had just expanded her hobbies at home. She was very creative and had her own room where she could sit and sew or paint or “make things”. It was her own small sanctuary and she loved it. She always had her music playing and had spent many hours collecting together all her favourite songs into playlists to suit any mood. She was also the gardener in the house whilst he was still ok as a handyman so, even there, their duties had naturally divided into his and hers. They even walked the dog separately with the excuse that it then got twice the exercise!

However, they spent one day a week out together, quite often in silence, as this enabled the kids to be told “we did this” or “we went there” thus giving the impression that they were still “a couple”.

As with everyone else the first few days of quarantine took some getting used to. They now found themselves both glued to the tv for the Government updates. The crisis was huge, unchartered and really quite scary. They found themselves discussing it in bewilderment, unable to get their heads round it. They even found that the conversation went on over the dinner table and, gradually, encompassed more and more topics. Something they’d not bothered to do for ages.

One afternoon Kate was in her sanctum having got the house neat and tidy (although she had felt like rebelling and not bothering as nobody was going to call!). She was up to date with the garden as it was only April and the hard work hadn’t rally started. She thought she was coping with the lockdown very well as she was able to continue with all her familiar pastimes. Meanwhile Mac just did not know what to do with himself. He had brought his stamp collection up to date, done all the little odd jobs that needed attention, given Rufus his usual morning walk and now felt quite lonely with no pals to laugh and joke with over lunch. God he really missed their company.

It was a big house, well it had had to be, and now he was rattling about it in like a pea in a pod. Actually, he wasn’t rattling just pacing about quietly feeling lost. He heard Kate’s music playing and wandered towards her room. He stood listening at the door. He’d forgotten how in sync they were over their music and found the song he heard reviving forgotten memories. Knocking gently on the door, he heard the music stop. She opened the door with a quizzical look on her face. “Anything wrong?” she asked.

“No I just happened to hear the music playing and it brought back old memories. Do you mind if I come in and listen?”

She smiled, “Of course not. Perhaps you’ll find it as therapeutic as I do”, moving a pile of material off a chair for him to sit down.

He sat, listening to the music and glancing round the room. It was so colourful yet calming. Her paintings filled one wall. He’d never really stopped to look and see how talented she was. They exuded brightness and positivity. Her baskets, with colourful scraps of this and that, all contributed to this warm vibrant room – busy yet not overcrowded. There were piles of books, pages of paper where she’d tried her hand at writing poetry but never felt she’d got it right. Little knitted animals and homemade cards on shelves were waiting to be taken to the Christmas craft fair.

When the tv broadcast came on they went downstairs. “I’m beginning to get a bit fed up with this Mac, so I’ll go and get dinner ready and you can fill me in with what’s happened.”

So there was plenty to talk about over the delicious meal she’d cooked. She really was a good cook. He thought. Something else just taken for granted. After dinner she looked enquiringly at him whilst suggesting that they walk the dog together. He was surprised but pleased so, after clearing up, they walked to the nearby woods, conspicuous by its lack of people. “Feels like we’re the last ones on earth” he joked.

She agreed replying “yes it really does seem as it we’re living in a dream – but at least we’re together in the same dream!”

Her words took him by surprise and he thought she’d probably meant to say “nightmare”. Still he held his tongue and nodded.

So April turned into a glorious hot May and, with the lovely weather, came a softening of attitudes between them. They spent more time together listening to music, ordering shopping online, gardening, walking Rufus and talking – about anything and everything. They looked forward to their nightly dinners where wine was now a regular accompaniment. At some point they even decided to dress up to make it more of an occasion. They bought ready meals for two with their shopping that Mac cooked so Kate had a break. She would have a lovely soak in a bath and come down to dinner beautifully dressed and ready to eat something she hadn’t had to cook. It was great!

“Why don’t we finish our wine in the garden?” she asked on a particularly nice evening. It’s not too cold and, anyway, that wouldn’t have stopped us forty years ago!”

“You’re on” replied Mac. I’ll get the cushions and you get something warm to wrap round your shoulders, oh and bring your music with you please”.

She liked the fact that he was being thoughtful and caring – qualities she’d forgotten he had. No that wasn’t fair – he was a thoughtful, caring person but it always seemed to be for the kids, Rufus or his friends – never her. My fault she thought, I shouldn’t have been so self-sufficient.

By the time she got to the patio the fairy lights were on (something reserved for family visits), the cushions were on the swing and there were two bottles of wine on the table. The red they’d had with the dinner and a bottle of Vouvray – her favourite. Her eyes questioned him as she nodded towards the wine.

Mac grinned, “ha, you thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you? Well I know that’s your favourite, so I sneaked it on to the online shopping. In fact, it was on offer so there are another five bottles still to go! Now you know why I insisted you let me take in the last delivery!” She laughed. The old Mac was definitely resurfacing, and she liked it.

They sat together on the swing, their bodies touching. The wine made them feel relaxed as they talked about the recent family phone calls they’d had. They were both desperate to start a conversation about what had happened between them, but each was finding it difficult to start. Suddenly mac bit the bullet and asked “what happened to us? Where did it all go wrong?”

“Do you really need to ask that?” Kate whispered softly. So it did all come back to IT, he thought, I really should have realised. “But I thought you’d forgiven me” he said sadly.

“I did” answered Kate. “I did forgive you, but I found it difficult to forget as it hurt me so much. I just realised that there had been “circumstances” and decided I wanted to do all I could to keep us all together. And you did say that it was over, and you were so remorseful. The sad part is that you had to tell me. You obviously thought that by admitting to the affair you would be absolved, but all you did was pass it on to me to have to deal with. It broke my heart and my spirit. I no longer felt good enough for you even though you told me it had just been a stupid fling. Too much temptation put in your way at a time when you weren’t getting much attention from me”.

“I never realised you felt like that” whispered Mac getting hold of her hand. She didn’t pull away, but a tear rolled down her cheek and she reached for her wine to diffuse the moment. She tried to smile and said, “just blame it on the old wives who said you can’t conceive again while you’re breastfeeding!”

Mac spluttered into his wine. “Well I’ve never heard you put it that way before, but I do think you might have a point there. Unfortunately, it was all too raw with so many emotions in contention that it was impossible to see a funny side to it then. Communication wasn’t at its best then either”.

Kate nodded in agreement. “I know you were working hard but I also knew you were doing it for all of us. I tried to help by giving my attention to the children, so you could have some peace when you came home. I know you were a good father and gave them your love and time whenever you could, but I thought I was helping. After your affair I just felt worthless and unloved despite everything you said. I couldn’t believe that you would want me after the glamourous female you’d been infatuated with, so I just devoted myself to the children. At least then I felt needed”.

Mac’s jaw dropped. In all these years he’d never heard her say these things. What a fool he’d been. He’d felt neglected by the attention Kate was giving to the family and had easily been tempted away into someone else’s arms, even if only for a short while until he came to his senses. He never took into account how difficult it was for her to manage two sets of twins so close in age. In fact, he now wondered if he had subconsciously blamed her as the second set was definitely a mistake! Of course, he wouldn’t have had it any other way now as all the kids had grown up into such nice, well rounded, kind and thoughtful human beings. More than likely down to Kate’s upbringing he thought ruefully.

“I am so sorry Kate. I never realised what I put you through. You are the only person I’ve ever loved and ever will love.”

She got up from the swing and headed back to the house. He thought he might have gone too far as he could see the tears glistening on her cheeks.

When he went indoors she was composed and standing at the sink doing the small amount of washing up they’d created. He stood behind her, overcome with a feeling of tenderness and love but, almost, afraid to show it. He gently put his arms round her waist and bent his head to kiss the nape of her neck. He felt her tremble and then relax against him. “tomorrow we’re going to relive all our past happy memories and see if we can’t get ourselves back on track where we belong” he whispered in her ear”.

So the next day out came the photo albums and they poured over them remembering the fun and happy times the family had had. They remembered the nights that had been so hot they’d slept out under the stars, feeling like silly teenagers, when the children were fast asleep and blissfully unaware. They decided life had just got between them. They didn’t allow enough time for each other and now realised what a mistake that had been.

From then on they were like young lovers. The weather got hotter as did their passion. With no small children to come in and disturb them they made love wherever and whenever they wanted, just because they could!

On warm nights they slept out under the stars, only this time it was on a blow-up bed with duvets to keep them cosy. They listened to music. They rolled back the carpet and smooched into the wee small hours. They were as one again – after all those wasted years.

Suddenly it was over – they were allowed to see the family. They stood at the door hand in hand to welcome the first of their offspring.

“Wow, lockdown seems to be suiting you two” was the first thing they heard.

“You’ve no idea” answered a smiling Mac squeezing Kate’s hand, as she blushed demurely.