Homegrown

This is best if you sing it to the tune: ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter…’ 

He digs his patch and scatters the good seed on the earth
But it all comes to nothing and causes me much mirth.
The Sprouts the Leeks the Lettuce, and even Curly Kale
The Onions and the Cumbers? A whiter shade of pale.

Ants and Blight and Fungus
are all the gardeners’ curse
But Slimy Snails and Greenfly,
are really so much worse.

The bean row is so pretty I love its orange flowers,
But slicing through that tough green skin takes hours and hours and hours.
My fingers are so blistered, from chopping all this crop,
My nails are clogged with black soil, I’m in an awful strop.

Ants and Blight and Fungus
are all the gardeners’ curse
But Slimy Snails and Greenfly,
are really so much worse.

With Taters full of black eyes, and pea pods full of grubs,
The Caulies they have gone to seed, and crawling with green bugs.
My sink has been invaded by creepie crawlie stiffs,
My plug hole is all blocked up and really really whiffs.

Ants and Blight and Fungus
are all the gardeners’ curse
But Slimy Snails and Greenfly,
are really so much worse.

So I am going to Aldi, to buy my veg and fruit,
It’s all scrubbed up and bug-free especially the Beetroot.
With cheap-as-chippie prices and quality superb,
To ‘grow your own’,  it seems to me, well really just absurd.

Ants and Blight and Fungus
are all the gardeners’ curse
But Slimy Snails and Greenfly,
are really so much worse.