Embracing Old Age

What the heck, I will not embrace old age thank you. My children will have to carry me kicking and screaming into the old people’s home. I am not over the hill, passed my sell by date or any other ghastly expression used to describe ladies of a certain age. Actually I like that one, does it apply to gentlemen too?

The children (one is 30 the other is 29!) didn’t come to my 60^th birthday party which was a good thing. It was fabulous and I was photographed astride a 3ft zebra called Boris with a glass of champagne in one hand and a cigarette in the other, oh and wearing my tiara!

Not for me the twinset and pearls that my children would like to see me wearing. They obviously haven’t read the poem “When I am an old woman I shall wear purple with a red hat that doesn’t go and doesn’t suit me” It goes on but first I have to rummage around for my red hat and my purple trousers. Amazingly I do have both and shall wear them when the children come around again, that should shock ‘em. Probably not as much as the fake Leopard skin coat that I have just bought. It is a thing of beauty and I intend to wear it a lot. Why should age dictate what we wear?

The children have a hissy fit if they come round when I am wearing my black leather trousers, because apparently I am too old for them. Angela Rippon recently hit the news for wearing black leather trousers. She announced that she is 71, and doesn’t she look stunning? Good for her- she is a role model for all of us.

I suppose that one of the perks of being an OAP is the bus pass, however you have to have a photo on it. Mine makes me look like a mass murderer. I own up to trying three times in one of those awful little booths. I almost gave up the will to live and settled for the less ghastly one.

Then there are lots of companies who give special rates to we senior people. Perhaps I will own up to being an OAP and get my discounts! I am sure there are other perks but I have forgotten most of them. Forgetting comes easily with age along with selective deafness which comes in very handy in sticky situations.

I tried going to the gym recently as they had a special offer for pensioners. It was packed full of rather aged people dressed in Lycra trying to retain their youth by stretching and bending to music. Sadly they won’t be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, some of their moves would have Bruno’s blood pressure rising dangerously high. And it might be a step too far even with Anton du Beke as your partner.

I am not going back. I can’t bear to watch the wrinklies wearing distressingly tight outfits. I had a sinking feeling I am probably the same age as them. I think that my idea of exercising is walking the dog and going up and downstairs umpteen times a day because I have forgotten what I was looking for again. People call that having a senior moment, well actually there are zillions of people who do that every day regardless of their age.

And who came up with the expression Golden Oldies? Actually I like that one, but do I have to have a fake tan or is that reserved for the young? I confess that I did have one but obviously the girl got it wrong and when she had finished I looked just like David Dickinson. I tried to scrub most of it off and thought that it might be wise to stay inside for a while. That will teach me for trying to relive my youth.

My children loathe my best friend Pamela. They think that she is a bad influence on me. We do tend to go off and do things that amuse us. We went to an exhibition of paintings and tried to sneak in for free and got rumbled! When the chap behind the desk asked which university we had been to Pamela said “ The University of Life” he waved us through the gate shaking his head!

The children are nagging about selling my house and moving into a bungalow .Dear Lord I absolutely hate bungalows so I don’t think I will budge on that one. As Margaret Thatcher famously said ”This lady is not for turning” me neither Maggie.

I am not going to embrace old age, that is for sissies. I shall continue striding down the street wearing inappropriate clothes. I shall pop into the new bar and have a glass of wine. I shall ponder why OAPs are called little old ladies. How will people classify me – a tall old lady?

I am thinking of going on a holiday alone, because I can get away from my children! Perhaps I might decide to live in Greece. I will become a Shirley Valentine and perhaps find my Tom Conti. I shall be revered and treasured as in most Mediterranean countries they treat their elderlies beautifully.

I shall walk on white sands with the waves lapping over my feet and then and only then will I embrace old age.