Christmas Crackers

I wrote this before Covid struck. With all the rules and regulations of 2020 I think the lady in the poem has something to be grateful for this Christmas!

Christmas Crackers

‘We’ll do Christmas next year’
He beamed as he waved goodbye.
A feeling of dread set in as she waved too,
And stifled a frantic cry.

‘I won’t think about it now,
It’s months and months away’.
But the tiny seed had been planted
And would get bigger every day.

The year rolled by with yearly things,
Valentine’s, Easter, Lent.
Summer holidays, School exams,
The way life usually went.

By about September
The little seed had grown.
Like a big, fat cuckoo in the nest
The terror hadn’t flown.

The weeks crept towards the Big Day
As she made list after list after list.
‘I’ll never be able to pull this off.
Beam me up, Scotty’, she wished.

On Christmas day the crowd poured in
Most filled with liquid cheer.
Twenty-six of them in all.
The nightmare was finally here.

‘My’, slurred Auntie Pauline
Clutching a bottle of beer.
‘She’s put on weight, hasn’t she George,
Since we saw her this time last year?’

Three teenagers on their devices
Came slinking through the door
But got smashed on the booze in the cupboard
And were sick all over the floor.

Time to open the presents.
Something for everyone here.
A now sober Aunt Pauline piped up
‘But we gave you this toast rack last year’.

The twins were given felt-tips,
It was an unfortunate call.
They promptly took the tops off
And scribbled all over the wall.

Their parents smiled and watched them.
‘A sorry? We won’t demand.
We encourage their naive artistry
And we don’t do reprimand’.

From the hall came shouting,
Two uncles having a fight.
A slug-fest every Christmas
They thought a God-given right.

The day wore on, they were ready to eat,
Then horrified she looked
To see she hadn’t turned the oven on.
The turkey was uncooked.

Their son then picked this moment
To say ‘There is no doubt.
I’m sixteen now and know my mind.
I’m ready to come out’.

She couldn’t take it anymore,
It was the final straw.
And with dignified but manic calm
Ushered them out the front door.

‘See you next year’ waved her husband.
‘Same time, same day, same place’
She summoned up all the strength she had left
And punched him in the face.