A Teenager’s To Do List

This is a piece I’ve written just for a bit of fun for all parents of teenagers.

A TEENAGER’S DAILY TO DO LIST

1. Press alarm snooze button at least 15 times to ensure the neighbours as well as the rest of the house are also awake.
2. Never ever say “Good morning” instead, scream at anybody you come across during your morning routine because, after all, it’s their fault you can’t find your shoes/school bag/p.e kit/ homework
3. Find said ‘lost’ items in the exact place you left them but, to save face, slam all doors in the house and leave quickly, slapping or punching any younger siblings that may get in your way, even if they’re not go and give them a slap anyway, no doubt they’ve done SOMETHING to deserve it, make sure they’re absolutely bawling before you leave the house.
4. Text parents demanding a lift as you’ve missed the bus and it’s their fault ( you haven’t but you just don’t want to get on the bus with all those other smelly kids, and besides, you’d much rather spend the bus fare on yourself and say you lost it).
5. Try to ensure that parents receive at least one phone call a week from school regarding your attitude, it keeps teachers and parents on their toes. They love it!
6. When you get home throw all shoes/bags/blazers etc… in the middle of the hallway, who cares if granny trips up or younger sibling eats the contents of your pencil case, they’ll be fine.
7. Open and then slam fridge door at least 10 times whilst declaring loudly how starving you are but, don’t actually eat anything or attempt to make a snack until mum/dad/granny (who incidentally has asked you if you can remember where you left the cellotape as she needs to fix her glasses that she broke tripping over some stuff someone had left in the hallway) offers to make you a sandwich to “tide you over.”
8. Do the same as above with all kitchen cupboard doors, even the washing machine and tumble dryer, wander off into the hallway and open any door you see too, just wander around aimlessly if you like as well, that’s fun! But, never ever open the dishwasher door, you run the risk of being asked to load it, under no circumstances must you ever do this!
9. Pour half a bottle of double strength cordial into a glass then top right up to the rim with water. Hold by balancing in the crook of your arm so you can walk upstairs and eat some of your sandwich at the same time, this will ensure you drop bits of sandwich everywhere and slosh half of your glass of squash all the way up the stairs. (Now you see why it must be filled right up to the rim) !!
10. When snack is finished shove crockery under the bed with all the others, be sure to leave a few crusts on the plates though for the mice, the mouldier the better.
Your day is almost complete, however here are some pointers for every teenager to remember to incorporate into their day:
Slam doors, it is imperative that you do this as many times a day as possible, just so your parents know you’re around.
On shopping day it is an absolute must that you eat a full multipack of crisps and 5 packs of biscuits within half an hour. Shove all wrappers under the bed to hide the evidence, feign innocence and deny all knowledge when younger siblings cry because they haven’t yet had any, or, better still blame them, all the more for you when they’re banned from eating any for the rest of the week.
Younger siblings must be made to cry at least 3 times a day, it’s character building!
Yell out “I hate you!” Or “You’re ruining my life!” Or “You just don’t want me to have any fun”! as often as possible. Again this keeps parents on their toes.
When you use the bathroom make as much mess as possible, you must soak every inch of the bathroom when you shower, use at least 4 large bath towels and leave them on the soaking wet floor, use all of mum or dad’s expensive toiletries they got for Christmas and are saving for a special occasion, (what special occasion anyway? They never go out they’re far too old!) because you can’t be bothered to go back to your room to get your own, which is all hidden away for nobody ever to find and use.
Boys must pee all over the floor and blame younger siblings.
Younger siblings can be blamed for anything, parents are so gullible.
Oh, and, every so often be nice, maybe give your parents a quick hug and mumble something that may be construed as “Thank you” or “I love you” that’ll REALLY confuse them!