How to start a conversation with male friends about their mental health
Ask open-ended questions, focus on being a good listener, and respect their boundaries
Society has come a long way over the past decade when it comes to discussing mental health, but many people still find it difficult to open up when they’re struggling – or know how to broach the topic with someone else they’re worried about.
According to leading men’s health charity Movember, three out of four suicides in the UK are by men, and globally, on average one man dies by suicide every minute of every day.
“We know that men in particular still struggle to speak openly about their emotions,” says Sarah McIntosh, chief executive of Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) England.
“Traditional male stereotypes and the idea that showing emotion is a sign of weakness are fuelling stigma and preventing lifesaving conversations from happening,” McIntosh adds.
“We all need to be more proactive if we think a friend, regardless of gender, is struggling with their mental health or demonstrating suicidal behaviours.”
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With this week’s World Suicide Prevention Day (September 10) shining a light on the topic, we talked to Tom Ellis, director of the Young Men’s Health Literacy Initiative at Movember, about how to have an open and honest conversation with your mates about their mental health…
1. Start gently
Start the conversation off casually
Don’t ambush your friend with a big heart-to-heart when they may not be ready.
“Try to avoid being too serious or direct right out the gate,” suggests Ellis. “Rather than starting with a question like, ‘Hey I’ve been worried about you’, instead try to casually mention something that made you think about them to segue onto more tricky topics.”
2. Ask open-ended questions
“Ask open-ended questions to give the person a chance to share more info,” adds Ellis. “For example: ‘I’ve noticed you’ve seemed pretty flat lately… anything on your mind?’ Versus a closed question like, ‘Are you OK?’, which can be answered with a one-word reply.”
Need some ideas? Ellis suggests the following introductory lines:
– How have you been feeling lately?
– What’s been on your mind?
– How has work been going for you?
– What have you been up to lately?
Start questions with What, Why or How
Tone can also important during these conversations.
“It’s not just what you ask, but how you ask it,” says Ellis. “Aim to be gentle, patient, and kind. It’ll help put them at ease and encourage them to open up.”
Opening up about your own struggles, if you feel comfortable, can also help get the ball rolling.
3. Be a good listener
If they start to speak, try to resist the urge to jump in with advice and solutions. The important thing is to give them space to open up and let them know you’re really hearing them.
“A tip to ensure that you’re listening is to periodically repeat back what they’ve shared, and ask if you’ve understood them correctly,” recommends Ellis. “But simply asking questions lets them know you’re engaged and listening.”
4. Be mindful of your body language
Body language can sometimes be more powerful than words, so make sure you are giving the conversation your full attention.
“Put your phone down for a bit and make sure you are prepared to give your full attention,” advises Ellis. “Body language can make all the difference in helping someone feel open to talking.”
Going for a walk or drive can make chatting easier sometimes
In addition, it might be beneficial to talk shoulder-to-shoulder or while doing an easy activity like walking.
“Removing the need for direct eye contact can take the pressure off and make the conversation feel less intense, which is a great way to create a comfortable space for more open and vulnerable conversation,” Ellis explains.
5. Respect their boundaries
Respecting boundaries and ‘reading the room’ can make a big difference too.
“Don’t try to force the conversation, rather remind them that you’re always here to listen if they need anything,” says Ellis. “There are always other opportunities to catch up.”
For free, confidential support anyone can call Samaritans helpline 24/7 on 116 123.
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