Sibling Resentment When Caring for Elderly Parents
As our parents age and start needing additional support, many siblings find themselves arguing about how much they should (and can) help out.
This post will help you to understand and navigate these challenges, whether you have already seen a deterioration in your family relationships or are just starting to feel the strain of caregiving responsibilities.
Sharing the load
While ideally we’d all agree well in advance how caring responsibilities will be shared, it can be impossible without knowing what help is needed or what else will be happening in our lives at that unknown point in the future.
It is common for the sibling living the closest, or with the most free time, to end up becoming the primary caregiver. If this hasn’t been explicitly agreed, they might end up feeling resentful or frustrated with their siblings for not taking on their fair share.
If it is getting to the point where caregiving siblings are struggling to cope alone, it might be worth considering getting in some additional help. Organisations like SuperCarers can help families find trusted and experienced carers to step in and ease the load, whether for a few hours a week, the odd weekend, or even full time.
With a bit of effort, some honest conversation and a dash of diplomacy, hopefully you can come to an arrangement that everyone is happy with and able to contribute to. Siblings who do not live close by can still play their part without spending all their time travelling back and forth. This could mean handling financial and administrative tasks, or inviting their parent to stay for a period of time to give the primary caregiver a break. Alternatively, they could just provide some much-needed emotional support at this difficult time.
Money matters
The topic of money can also be extremely contentious. If your parents can’t afford care, should the kids pay? What if one earns far more – should they pay more? And what if one child is already giving up lots of their time to look after their mum or dad – should the other, less involved child pick up bills as their share of the contribution? Every single situation is different, and it is likely that every individual will have a different opinion on what is ‘fair’. Remember, too, that just because someone appears financially comfortable does not necessarily mean they actually have any money to spare.
Unfortunately, there is no easy solution. Talk to each other, and be honest about what you are willing and able to contribute. Lots of us are uncomfortable talking about money, so add in the emotional stress and this is a potentially explosive situation. Listen, be kind, and be patient. They are family after all – and the last thing any parents want to deal with is their kids falling out about money.
Feeling resentful
Feeling frustrated and resentful? You aren’t alone.
If one child feels like they are taking on an unfair part of the caring responsibility, or that another one isn’t pulling their weight, it is entirely normal to feel resentful. This is often accompanied by guilt, because you feel you should be happy to look after your beloved parent who has done so much for you. Don’t beat yourself up. Caring for our parents is one of the hardest things many of us have to do in life, so it’s OK to find it difficult.
Again, the only thing you can do is communicate. If you need help, ask for it. Make sure everyone understands the full picture of what’s happening, and the impact it is having on each of you.
If you’d like to read more on this topic, including more ideas on solving care disputes and associated legal matters, we’ve written a more detailed post which you can find on our website.
Connecting people who care
SuperCarers is an introductory service which helps connect individuals and families with trusted, experienced and vetted carers. Unlike a traditional care agency, instead of directing the care itself we focus on finding excellent carers, making personalised matches, and providing you with the tools to make the management of care easier. By cutting out the agency middle-man, we are able to reduce costs while still ensuring carers are rewarded well for their hard work. Meaning everyone can focus on what matters most – caring.
To find out more, call us on 020 8629 1030 or visit supercarers.com
