Super Hero

What I miss most in growing older is the lack of Super Heroes. As a youth, they existed in my mind, flying around, punching the evil doers trying to ruin the world I had created up there. Then I grew up. As I aged and matured they visited me less, until a day had come and gone when I realized they no longer existed for my benefit. I need them back, so here’s my first attempt to bring back those days of early innocence, when white fought black for dominance over our mortal lives.

This first Super Hero should be my all-time favorite. Born Sicilian, I think I want an ethnic hero to add flavor and dimension to my American way of life. Like good Italian cooking, he would add the right mix of spice and savory toppings to an already excellent pasta sauce.

Without further ado, I present my first Super Hero, back from his long engagement in the Da Vinci Dimension, many-time winner of the Good Housekeeping Seal, long-standing member of F.A.R.T. (the Fettuccine And Ravioli Tribunal), Chairman of the Board for Victoria Secrets’ Design and Testing Division, the ultimate protector of female virginity, please welcome with all your heart:

Sicilian Man!

This year, Sicilian Man is sporting a full-bodied, retro-look suit. The thrice-woven red Lycra-based fabric is extremely durable, both villain- and stain-resistant; guaranteed to maintain its flashy glossy finish after many machine washings. Contrasting apparel include green silk head scarf, fashioned after the original mask of Zorro, matched by knee-high leather boots of the finest Italian patented kid leather. The ensemble is beautifully graced with a one-and-one-half body length white cape made from the new ultra-light durafloat formula worn only by all the greatest of Super Heroes today. A black, stretch-web utility belt surrounds his mid-section, providing ample storage for various crime-fighting gadgets. Its design allows for rapid expansion of Sicilian Man’s ‘panza’ after eating too much Linguine at one sitting. Special quick-release latches are strategically located around the belt to allow easy removal of garlic bulbs when in dire need. A miniaturized collection of the finest wines and cheeses are stored on the back side to provide needed energy and respite between battles. World renowned fashion designer, Giovanni Pecorini, personally supervised its design, construction and fitting.

Sicilian Man is much more than just a flashy combination of gaudy colors and the ultimate lady’s man. He’s a formidable protector and avenger with an arsenal of the most effective weapons ever devised to fight villainy. Here is just a sample of some of his deadly weaponry:

Garlic Breath – There is no more effective short-range weapon against villainy than Sicilian Man’s potent breath. One puff within a 25 feet radius and the bad guy is out for the count. Two puffs and the villain is out for days. Three puffs are rarely given as the result is death. No evil villain to date has ever warranted such a horrendous, agonizing demise.

Titanium Breadsticks – An expert marksman through years of pizza throwing, his dead-on aim makes these titanium replicas effective in stopping foes. Plus each hollow canister contains a properly aged stick of Italian bread guaranteed to satiate the most malnourished victim saved.

Garlic Bombs – When the villain is too far away to use his awesome breath, these precision instruments of explosive force are guaranteed to take out one or many within their range of effectiveness. Each unit has a micro-timer that can be set to one of several useful settings: immediate detonation, breakfast, lunch or dinner time.

Cappuccino Sedatives – Micro-capsules of Cappuccino concentrate, mixed with other secret ingredients (Mama Sicilian Man forbade us to reveal the secret ingredient on pain of death), can be placed in an unsuspecting foe’s drink, incapacitating them into a short, after-dinner like snooze.

Tuscan Pepper Spray – The name says it all! Those mildly hot Tuscan peppers, that no true-blooded Italian would ever miss eating from a tall plate of antipasto, have been incorporated into an aerosol spray that will ward off overwhelming odds. One spray into the victims eyes and they are on the ground wailing like you use to when Papa smacked you up the side of the head for mouthing off at the dinner table. The multi-purpose spray also wards off dogs, cats, aggressive street hookers and over-infatuated fans.

XRTG-48 – This is by far my most favorite weapon in his arsenal. XRTG-48 (Xtra Rarefied Tenacious Gas) is the result of years of scientific study into the Italian digestive system. Scientists have found the ratio of succulent ethnic foods that when mixed together cause the highest potency of obnoxious gas so prevalent in Italian ‘Papas’. A special self-sealing flap, unnoticeable when not in use, hides this deadliest of secret weapons from causal view and makes it possible to attend Sunday mass without offending the congregation. With a quick check for aim, Sicilian man can swing himself into position, drop the flap and fire away at the enemy with quick staccato bursts (highly effective against individuals or widely spaced out foes,) or with long, heavy blasts that immobilize entire regions of organic life. Continuous dumps in one area also provide a heavy, brown cloud that can provide a smoke screen for diversion or get-away.

Yes, good people, Sicilian Man is a true hero of the best kind. A lady’s man, sensitive, articulate, able to meet any challenge thrown at him, always aware of the importance of matching the ambiance of the moment with the correct choice of wine and sauce.

About the author

antsypants_bored
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