Feelings within

I was married for some 36 years; we meet as a 15 year old boy and a 12 year old girl.  The girl was one of the few children around the villages who accepted me as I was;  I had been through a lot, badly scared, abused with an alcoholic mother who I had to collect from the local pub, undress, wash and put to bed. When I was 17 years old I had a motorcycle accident and was very badly injured and again, the young girl was the only person who was there for me.

Over time the young girl and I got closer and closer and we got married when I was 20 years of age and she was 17 years old. Life was not easy and without help from any relations, we struggled but always managed. Children grew up and how fast the time flew by.   When I reached 50 years of age things changed.  For some time my wife’s attitude to me had changed, belittling, rude, nit picking etc.  No matter what I did I was always wrong, and then one day my wife told me she had been having an affair for some months, but it was over. I tried to forgive and forget, but failed to do that.  I could not bare to touch her, which put more pressure on the marriage, and I felt it was time for me to leave and move on. Two days before I planned to move, my wife was taken ill, the diagnosis was terminal.

Why did I stay and not leave as planned?

As kids I had promised her no matter what, I would care for her till the end. I kept my promise and cared for at home, she died beside me at 5.45 am on Feb 28, 2009. I moved home twice since she died, I drank very heavily, become self-destructive, smoked too much, turned into a recluse for months. Then one day I just stopped drinking, the self-destruct button had turned off; why?  To be honest I have no idea.  I am now 61 years old, still on my own and emotionally detached.  I like no one and hate no one; its really strange, no feelings towards anyone now at all. At my daughters request I joined dating sites, met a few woman, all very nice, but when one came on too strong I just backed away.

I am at peace with myself; yes I miss conversation, yes I miss company, but I’m not interested in anything else. Do wonder if I really want another relationship or not, or am I just being difficult or stubborn?  The truth is deep inside I do not want to be rejected again, it hurts.

The author of this wishes to remain anonymous