I Only Came in for a Quiet Pint and Other Short Stories …

An old man goes into a pub, orders a pint of beer and sits down at the bar. He is quietly enjoying his drink when a Japanese man enters the pub. On seeing the old man, he walks across to stand behind him.

Suddenly, without any warning, the Japanese man screams “Oy..yi,, shah” and chops the old man on the back of the neck, sending him sprawling on the floor. He looks at the barman and says “When he wakes up, tell him 1972 Tokyo judo champion.”

A couple of days later, the old man is back in the pub, enjoying a pint, when once again the Japanese man enters the pub.

Again, the Japanese man stands behind the old man, Screams “Oy – yi – shah” and kicks the old man in the back, just above the kidney area. He then tells the barman “when he wakes up, tell him 1976 Nagasaki karate champion.”

The following evening, the old man enters the pub ,carefully looking round the bar room before moving a stool to a position facing a large mirror, and sitting down. He orders his drink and keeps looking around the bar, slowly drinking his pint

After a short while he watches the door open and the Japanese man enters the bar. He walks silently behind the old man, unaware that he is being observed. When he is standing right behind the old man, the attacker screams “Oy – yi………” Suddenly the old man swivels on his stool, and hits the man, just once. The attacker drops to the floor, unconscious.

The old man turns to the barman , and pointing to the floor, says “ when he comes round, tell him, 1956 Ford Prefect starting handle.

 ‘a short story by Allen Paul Harris © 2012’

The Second Great Flood

A few years after the Great Flood, God called Noah, saying

“Noah, I have decided to have another flood.”

“ Oh no!” Noah silently breathed. “I`m too old for all this.” However, he only said, “Yes Lord”

“This time” said God “It is going to be different. This time we are saving the fish”.

Noah thought “Oh no, not again”, but wisely held his tongue.

“This time” said God, “I want you to build a ship with many decks, all watertight, so that we can keep all the fish safely. Do you understand my instructions? “

“Yes God” said Noah,

“You want me to build a Multi Storey Carp Arc”.

‘ short story by Allen Paul Harris. © 2012’

‘The Tale of Sam Plank’ 

Two friends are on their way home from work one evening, when they are involved in a car crash and both killed.

One of the men, Sam Plank, has always been a villain, and is sent to Hell, while his friend, Jim Smith, has led a good life, so goes to Heaven.

Jim arrives at the gates of Heaven and knocks to be allowed in.

St. Peter opens the door and says “Yes, what do you want?”

Jim explains that he has just died and wants to enter Heaven.

St. Peter says “Sorry son, new entries are only allowed in before 08.00hrs, you`ll have to wait”.

“Oh!” says Jim, “In that case, can I go and say goodbye to my mate, I didn`t get a chance before ?”

St. Peter looks at his watch, and says “Alright, but make sure you are back here at 0730hrs”.

As Jim is about to leave, St. Peter calls him back and says “While you`re here, you might as well come in and get your kit”.

Jim is taken to a side room where he is issued with the following items; A white robe, a pair of sandals, a halo, a harp and a pair of wings.

He is then led back to the gates and told “See you in the morning, don’t be late, and don’t lose anything”.

Soon Jim arrives at a huge set of wooden gates with a sign that reads “HELL, abandon hope, all who enter”

Jim bangs on the door, which is opened by a little red Imp who studies Jim carefully, before asking “YES! Can I help you?”

Jim tells the Imp that he has come to visit his friend, Sam Plank. He is admitted and instructed to follow a long, dark corridor, until he comes to another door.

Once again he knocks on the door. This time it is opened by a beautiful young girl, wearing a bright red robe.

“Hello darling, have you come for the party” she asks.

Jim explains again that he has come to see his friend, Sam Plank.

“Oh, Sammy” the girl replies “He`s over in the corner, playing the records”.

Jim looks to where the girls points, and sees Sam ,who, as soon as he notices

Jim, calls him over.

“Hey! Jim,” says Sam “Its brilliant down here, have a beer and a spliff”

“Well, maybe just one” answers Jim

Its 08.00hrs and St. Peter is not a happy bunny.

“I thought I told you 07.30hrs, and don’t be late. Just look at the state of you. Your robe is filthy, your wings are torn, one of your sandals is missing, your halo is round your neck, and where is your harp?

Jim looks very guilty as he explains;

I LEFT MY HARP, IN SAM PLANKS DISCO!

(with apologies to Tony Bennett)

© Paul Harris 2013